maartendierckx Reviews

Zombieland: Double Tap (2019)

They shot it by accident

[4/10 · 25 July 2021]

An embarrassing sequel to the underrated Zombieland 1.

The first one worked, because of ok writing, perfect cast and super tight script. Each character had an ark. Every character had his or her moment. Funny, good film.

The problem with having all the character complete their arks in a story, of course, is that means the story is over. You'd need to be a genius to capture that same buildup, again, after that;

Anyone could tell you, a sequel was a bad idea, from the start, for that simple reason.

Then they dug it up, because money, and made a sequel. Every character gets a hamfisted new ark and none of it works. It's not funny, the cast seems tired and uninspired and who can blame them? Working on something that's so obviously a deteriorated project, just for the money, must have been awful. And it shows.

My two cents. Ignore this film.

The Good Place (2016–2020)

Forkin fantastic

[10/10 · 28 February 2021]

Evocative writing, amazing performances, wonderful characters and a great premise.

Every time I thought the show was going to take a dive, as they wrote themselves in a corner, they pull out a new angle, and blew me away each time.

Brilliant! A must see for those in need of comedy or philosophy or just a good time.

Sherlock: His Last Vow (2014) Season 3, Episode 3

Awful

[3/10 · 5 November 2020]

Two great seasons come to an abrupt end with the third season: gone is the fast fun, the intricate and nonsensical crimes. Also gone is the inhuman Holmes that was so wonderful to watch.

Moment after moment, scene after scene, it's almost exclusively about the main characters personal relationships, focusing too much on Watson's wife, a new, terrible character.

Spoiler: she shoots Holmes, because she's actually a spy, and is forgiven five dramatic scenes later. Bad enough we were forced to sit through her wedding, which took so long it felt like a real one. Sorry, but that's just bad writing. Should have stuck to the bloody formula.

The Devil All the Time (2020)

Flat

[5/10 · 22 September 2020]

The sort of movie that will gather much favor because it has a few A list celebs portraying characters far from their usual efforts, which is unwarranted, I'm sorry to say. While it's true the cast does a commendable job, they can't hide the facts: this is a hollow film. the narrative depends heavily on the shock value of murders, suicides and a few grizzly images; yet, the heavy handed story and ponderous, slow way it's told is a tedious thing indeed. The first hour feels like an overcooked introduction to a very lengthy narrative, that ties everything up at the end: it does not. It all falls apart into meaningless, lazily connected chapters. Perhaps the source materiel could have worked in a series or something. As is, it's a waste of your time.

Star Wars: Episode VIII - The Last Jedi (2017)

Here's why I think this is a terrible film

[1/10 · 28 December 2019]

"These are not the droids you're looking for."

Why does that sentence conjure such vivid memories, to so many fans? It's hard to say: I like to think it's because of the perfect composition of fantasy and a grandiose story, while at the same time leaving so much room for nuance, subtlety and the imagination. A New Hope is a work of art that has countless of such scenes, moments, characters. Everything.

I recall the names of minor characters. I know their lines verbatim. So do many other fans. Jek Porkins? You probably know exactly who that is, don't you? I don't remember the names of any of the characters in this film, except for the main cast.

The reason I can't for the life of me recall one snappy line is because there aren't any. It's all overblown, the volume over 9000 at all times. The action scenes are like that as well: loud, obnoxious, dull. That's not the problem: the story has the same issue, as do the characters. That's where this film falls apart. Ten minutes in I got a sinking feeling and it didn't stop getting worse.

The Force Awakens set up a lot of intrigue. I was hooked. This film does nothing with any of that. It's pedantic, meandering, dull and insipid in its attempt to break with the past. IF the past needed breaking, by all means, don't mention any of it. Don't bring back anything from before and make your own story. This film adds nothing, however, nothing, and dances around like a delusional hippy on the self inflicted trash fire of the legacy of Star Wars.

I'm guessing it's what happens if you try to be a rebellious filmmaker, while at the same time making a Star Wars franchise flick for Disney. It's wink-wink nudge-nudge where it shouldn't be. It's serious and funny and action packed and tragic and everything at the same time, all the time: what we're left with is a tone deaf and miserable cash in. The emperor is clearly dancing naked for all to see, but no one had the stones to say anything, or the power to stop this from happening.

So bad, it still makes me angry, even after all this time, just to think about it. This film killed Star Wars for me. The franchise meant a lot to me: as a kid, it was one of the few reliable things I had. This film fouled those memories.

The ramming scene? Oh my god. The 'humorous' Poe scenes, with in the back his exploding friends? Oh my god. The whole Finn/Rose side plot? Oh my god. The romantic plot between the jedi and sith? Makes me slightly ill. Why drop the tension between Finn and Ray? That was pretty solid? Why?

I feel for the actors of the old and new films. I'm sure most of them can see and feel the drop in quality more than any of us.

Why? Why do this? That's what has me stumped. A show like the Mandalorian demonstrates how effective a simple story can be and how to go about doing that. That's all we needed. That's what Force Awakens did quite well, if you ask me.

Could it have been worse? Well, I suppose it could have been a musical. That would have sucked harder. Probably.

Star Wars: The Rise Of Skywalker (2019)

What else could they have done after the dreadful second installment?

[6/10 · 24 December 2019]

Making a movie after The Last Jedi, can't have been a pleasant job. The writers and director managed to make a third installment that cleans up after that debacle and returns to form. A decent story in which the characters are central and enjoyable, a space adventure.

Still, there are plot elements that could have been skipped, old and new characters that add little to nothing: the fat has not been trimmed and the movie outstays its welcome by about half an hour. The action is loud and obnoxious, rather than exiting, just like with the two previous films.

Remember in the prequels, when R2D2 could suddenly fly? Remember that? There's a few moments like that, in there. Too often, I had to sigh at the lackluster writing and ideas. I get it, though; what else could they have done after the dreadful second installment?

It's a lengthy and flashy joyride, instead of a worthy end to the epic saga we wished for. It's an end, and, sadly, I'm glad it's over.

Terminator: Dark Fate (2019)

A very tired afair

[3/10 · 3 November 2019]

Too many characters sloshing down an action packed slide show.

The old: John Conner is dead. Just aborted from the story.

Sarah Conner had an interesting arc in the first two movies. What did the loss of her son do to her? Well, she tells us: she's an alcoholic, hunting machines. That's a writing no no of amateur proportions: we're not shown how damaged she is, it's told to the audience. There isn't time for anything else, to be fair, with all the characters needing their own five minutes in the spot light, and the jarring action scenes.

Arny's back. He plays the role of the terminator that killed John. And then, sort of, felt bad after the fact, taking care in a sense of Sarah. And he has a family and a job. The menacing death machine, that unforgettable nightmare thing is now been reduced to a sour joke. Schwarzenegger does have some really funny lines, but they underline more than anything how terrible this movie is.

The warrior lady sent back to the past? She any good? Yes, actually. Solid performance, of all the actors btw. But apart from her menacing physique, she's not been given much to work with. She's cyber Reece.

I forget the name of the main character. That in itself demonstrates how engaging her part was. She's John, if John delivered standard "we've got to make a stand" type monologues to inspire the gang. Formulaic drivel.

That's the problem right there: the story follows all the beats. All the check marks have been met and yet the end result is a soulless thing, a machine brought to life to make money.

The story itself is just so weak. The terminator is awful. An unstoppable machine, relentlessly tedious. Do they do something with Sarah teaming up with the killer of her son, the nightmare that had hunted her in her past, killed her lover? Her friends? Nope. Is there chemistry anywhere? Njet. The action is solid? Meh. Very loud and nonsensical.

There are some interesting ideas. For instance, they have to cross the US border and for a moment it is rather intimidating; Then the action happens and they just walk away from the internment camp, towards the next action scene.

Stupid stuff:

The terminator is an interior designer now.

Sarah, the alcoholic wreck, uses her contacts to get a carrier plane. The bad robot crashes another plane into theirs and everyone survives falling out of the plane.

Instead of luring the bad guy to some death trap, the main character heroically decides it is time to take a stand... without any weapons or hope to defeat the thing.

There's a distorted feminist message somewhere, too. It feels rather empty though and quite cynical. Summarized by the characters themselves in a sickening dialogue, telling us Sarah was just the womb to the savior, nothing more, and that the new main character is the savior herself. Sarah Conner was not just a womb to John. She was his mother, savior, teacher and protector. She was a fierce and damaged and fascinating character. The writers did not understand this at all; or didn't care.

Hardcore Henry (2015)

A thrilling ride

[10/10 · 10 July 2016]

This is an action movie. The plot is not relevant and the plot doesn't aim to be. The story is engaging and nothing more than the flimsy excuse for non stop violence.

Which this movie delivers. In abundance.

Nevertheless, the acting is spot on. The scenes are a single flow of explosions, blood and action. Purely for the manner in which the scenes are woven into a single shot, this is a master piece.

I am not a fan of action movies. Personally, I prefer slow paced character development and story telling. I advice anyone with an open mind to watch this, because it is simply unbelievable.

South of Hell (2015)

Supernatural without Pop Corn

[4/10 · 25 January 2016]

Tedious Melodrama with some demonic serving on top. It has the back and fort circular tragic nonsense copy pasted from the pulp series Supernatural. Except it tries to be the dark and profound version of that forgettable pleasure, forgoing any humour or light pop corn moments the series might have had.

No monsters, no lore: a single multi layered tragedy that doesn't captivate.

It tries to be a dark and sinister crawl, gives up on that around episode 4 and then bashes your brain pan in with repetitive junk.

You'd best skip this one.

Jurassic World (2015)

Hahahaha!

[3/10 · 14 September 2015]

"Dang it, we need moar moneys. Quick, hash me some plot together to go with these dino-jiggers we've got in the basement. NOW people!" exit fat money film guy.

So our brave underfed team looks at the clock, realizing if they haven't finished the script in three hours, they'll be fired or worse.

Main Protagonist Male: a rebel, a smart guy, a dino scientist (DING!), who looks like oh let's say a typical American hero, Manboobs and SixPack and a Tan, chiseled Jaw with a stubble because he's a rebel, introduced to the audience without a shirt to show them muscles, working on a motor because rebel.

Main Protagonist Female: The Career Woman. Has High Heels. Realizes she, too, wants a family. Because she is about to get herself and sister's kids eaten but is thankfully saved by Rebel Romantic Interest Guy.

Red Shirts: workers that sometimes get eaten; same goes for tourists, evil dudes who say evil things and make stupid evil decisions and get eaten.

Plot:

And then their time was up! The team blamed intern Dave, who was fed to a crocodile. (True Story!)

Transformers: Dark of the Moon (2011)

The World Is Going Nuts

[1/10 · 14 September 2015]

I see a surprising 6.1 as an average for this movie. 6.1. What does that mean to me? Let's say 7 is OK. And 6 is a bit less. So a 6.1 would be slightly better than less than OK. Perhaps tolerable is the word.

OK. Is this movie tolerable to me? No it is not. I won't tell you why. Just trust me on this. It's the worst possible film out there. Give any film school 19 year old a billionth of the budget and only his mother Frank as an actress and a light bulb as the only prop and he or she will still make a movie that has more plot, content, acting, visually entertaining anythings, drama, humor, entertainment and light bulbs.

It will have less explosions. True.

But: if you want to switch of, relax, and have a good amount of explosions, watch absolutely anything else. Watch trolls 2 before giving this any time of your precious life.

Do not watch this. It is evil.

The 100 (2014–2020)

100 teens on the wall

[18 July 2015]

100 teens get dumped on a radioactive earth, a good few years after nuclear disaster: they'll have to fend for themselves Lord of the flies style. Meanwhile the Nazi parents that dropped them from space, are worried sick for their children. Sending some qualified people along hadn't occurred to them until after they pushed the execute button and unfortunately not everyone thinks it's even a good idea to monitor their situation on earth. Political tension ensues.

Add a cast of MTV teens, the ever prominent moral high standing female Who Is Always Right Even If Completely Ridiculously Illogiocal or Inconsequential(-we can't kill him! that's wrong! Let's banish him unto certain slow and torturous death instead. Made ever more ridiculous because I moaned out loud what her superior solution would be even before she came up with her tortured idea-) morally questionable behavior so frequent that we'll forgive the entire cast for murdering, torturing, executing, whining and a good bunch of red shirts biting the dust.

I kept watching because the show has some nice cgi creatures on occasion, unfortunately less and less frequent. The story has potential, as do some of the cast. Even with giant snake monsters ripping us into pieces, the good old 'we're our own worst enemy' jams itself firmly into my increasingly angry soul and has the same cast work itself through a tired and predictable chain of plot twists, brought to life mainly by having every character on the show change personality completely whenever things are slowing down a bit and we need some controversy to keep us awake.

I'm not doing the show justice here. all of the above is true, yet it can still be entertaining. Which is obviously the aim. It could have been a dark and bewitching tale of survival. It's not a work of art: it's pulp at it 's least forgiving. Enjoy!

Automata (I) (2014)

Worth a watch

[7/10 · 13 July 2015]

A surprisingly interesting movie that has flown softly and unnoticed under the radar. Why would one notice it: a robot movie with Banderas, his wife and not much else going for it? I saw the movie completely by accident: I'll even admit I 'd have skipped it if I had known Banderas was in it.

Yet it is Banderas and him alone that makes the movie worth a watch. His portrayal of the burnt out insurance investigator is at times spot on brilliant. Near the end of the movie his role loses shine, but that is mostly because of the poor directing, slightly frantic writing and poorly developed villain, leaving Banderas staggering for a canvas.

THe gritty tones set in the landscapes and cityscapes, the beautiful shots of the robots, standing in confusion next to Banderas, the dystopian misery are all well executed. Really a shame that the same level of quality could not be upheld for the rest of the movie.

The entire story tries to reach a tragic climax, but instead succumbs to its many flaws. A miss, but a close one.

Hellmouth (2014)

A must see

[10/10 · 8 July 2015]

A gripping, beautiful tale, full of dark humor and great performances. Watching it is like having a twisted dream. An inevitable cult favorite, it's difficult to understand why it has been overlooked so far.

For one thing, the poster does not do it justice. The title of the movie is also perhaps a bit deceiving. This is not a B-horror movie at all: I almost skipped it because of that poster which screams hatchet killer. I wouldn't even call it a horror movie, though the thematics are most definitely not for younger viewers.

Other than that I don't see anything wrong with this masterpiece.

I'll spare you any more words: just watch it already.

Penny Dreadful (2014–2016)

A beautiful undead creature

[7/10 · 7 July 2015]

Great actors performing at their best, that alone makes this worth watching. Visually, we 're not left hanging either. It is a gorgeous series of pictures and performances.

Character development is well placed, where it happens, although it leaves the viewer gagging for more. The slow pace of the story works to make it majestic and beautiful, but it falls short in some ways.

Unfortunately, the story suffers enormously from bland fits: hashing together every possible well known story is what has bothered me most. Frankenstein, Van Helsing, some demonic possession, a bit of witchcraft and oh lord let's have a dash of Dorian Gray, shall we. If the show continues like that,I'm sure we'll have a giant kraken eat a first of its kind submarine soon enough.

A shame, truly, because the time the story takes to unfold could have been made to much greater use. The characters and the actors portraying them each deserve to unfold more depth and true development.

Perhaps the show can be salvaged by introducing a better developed villain... I hope so. Ill keep watching regardless. It is still after all among the best television available to us at the moment.

Prometheus (I) (2012)

7.1 for Prometheus atm

[1/10 · 21 March 2014]

I am a fan of the alien franchise. At the top we have Alien, a great movie and Aliens, the sequel.

Then Alien 3 happened. The franchise was getting strained. Cheaply getting rid of the other two survivors of Alien was the first of many mistakes. Perhaps holding onto Sigourney Weaver for the third instalment was a mistake. Still: not a bad movie.

Alien resurrection, Alien VS predator, Alien Vs predator 2, I might miss out on some titles here. Entertaining to a point, granted, but undeniably terrible films each and every one of them.

Then there 's Prometheus. I actually joined IMDb just to write this down. Prometheus couldn't have been worse, if it turns out the Aliens were being mothered by an Army of Angry Clowns. The cast dribbles flatly on an unbelievable series of weak premises, the dialogues are terrible, the story-line truly preposterous. Even seen as a film not associated with the franchise, this film would be a truly horrible dragon. An ugly and expensive dragon, that with a smaller budget would be some forgettable direct- to-VCR rubbish. (In fact, with a small budget, it could have turned out to be an enjoyable B movie.)

And yet it's rated 7.1? Perhaps some farty clan of nerds are desperate enough to hold onto the franchise even as it's undead corpse is being torn apart by maggots and film industry lawyers, perhaps there's a very large group of trendy art film lovers who think the mind numbing pain they get from watching this thing adorable. But I doubt it.

7.1 is such an obvious fraud the only thing that comes to mind is 'how much'. How much did it cost to have some people pretend to love this debacle? There's a struggling writer out there who's being paid to write lies about films he or she probably hates more than any of us. Maybe the writer explodes into a big black cloud of tentacles and creates a entirely new universe with his or her migraine induced suicide and maybe this could be the beginning of another epic fail!

I want that job!