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3/10
Based on true story doesn't mean it's a good story
30 November 2009
Warning: Spoilers
Here's a movie that panders to gun-toting dickish Southern "Christian" Republicans. You know, the kind who cry when Glenn Beck tells them to and who think Jesus carried a .22 and shot the poor lepers and prostitutes off his doorstep while shouting that NRA membership and his gun are GOD GIVEN RIGHTS and ain't no n----r in the WHITE House gunna take 'em.

The Michael Oher in the movie has no voice and soul, he's just a empty vessel for a rich white family to project their fantasies upon. He's a stray they the found shivering in the cold and the rain and decided to keep instead taking to the pound the next day.

They found a big, dumb black kid and decided he should play football despite the fact he didn't like playing and wasn't very good at it besides his size. They use sick psychology to trick him into wanting to play and trick him into wanting to play for the family's Alma mater too. When college recruiters come to woo the family and beg to borrow their prized horse to put their jockey on, the family realizes that their dumb pet better study up because he won't be able to play unless he has a 2.5 GPA. His academics don't mater until his low grades mean he can't play college ball. So, they hire Kathy Bates who is, regrettably, a baby-killing, God-less democrat (but is still a graduate of the family's Alma mater) to teach Hans to be clever and count enough apples to be allowed to play.

But, the evil NCAA hears of their plan and calls them out on it. Nothing comes of the investigation though, because Michael decides that he'd rather be a pet of a rich family that be no one's pet at all and covers for them.

And, they all live happily ever after. The rich white family who had everything now have everything and fame and the big black kid gets to play football for his sponsors' Alma mater. The movie ends saying: You know, lots of black kids get killed in ghettos everyday. Why can't they play sports instead? The movie is racist and disgusting. it's a movie that says, loudly, "Hey! Look! I'm a rich white woman who taught this dumb, poor black kid to play sports! Ain't I good person?" And the crowds respond in kind, "Yes, you are a good person. Black people are poor, dumb and naturally good at sports. You gave him what he needed. Good for you!"

It's sick.
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Hot Boyz (2000 Video)
2/10
How To Not Make A Film About Racial Issues.
13 June 2009
Warning: Spoilers
This movie started out as a piece about racial injustice and corruption in the American criminal justice system. It seemed a noble effort to highlight a serious topic while utilizing an "urban" tone by casting rap artists. And, by noble effort, I mean a piece of poorly written, confusing, and nonsensical dreck.

Spoilers within:

I think the director/writer wanted to make a movie about rappers shooting up clubs and murdering countless innocent bystanders, banging chicks and swimming in bling Scrooge McDuck style. But, then, the producer said, "You know, we need a sad story to give your main character motivation to turn into an awesome gangster. People will love him if they know he has a heart wrenching past behind his murderous and asinine antics."

That's where you get the first half and a bit of this awful film. Stupidly named Kool is hooked up with a hot high school grad with a promising future. (Did you know Kool is Silkk the Shocker? Bet you didn't, not the way they plastered it all over the credits.) He's painfully uncool despite his recent ascension to a black belt in some vague martial art that comes in handy about one time in the film. Having him be a black belt in this movie is like giving the Terminator awesome flower arranging skills and having terrible scenes with his flower arranging mentor. Kool being a black belt has no bearing on the plot.

LaShawna's, Kool's girlfriend, mother hates him because he's a want-to-be rapper and he hangs out with Snoop Dogg… or something. Despite this, LaShawna makes sweet love to Kool and then he lets her walk home in the ghetto at night. On her walk of shame home, LaShawna comes across a man being shot and attempts to help him. The man is a cop and is being shot by another cop for some reason. I think it's because he has to play victim to the white devil corrupt cops, but I'm not sure. LaShawna panics when the police arrive and she runs home. She is promptly arrested and booked for murder despite the fact that she is the least likely candidate to have committed the murder other than being in the wrong place at the wrong time. So, now, for some reason, Kool must hook up with the King of Insanity, Gary Busey, and through corrupt means catch a slightly menacing neighborhood Mack Daddy to clear LaShawna. I like how this was a black-and-white case. LaShawna was there so they charged her right away even though the lead detective knew pretty well she wasn't involved at all. Kool uses his martial arts skills here to impress Mack Daddy and eventually tricks Mack Daddy into being arrested. However, the other corrupt white devil detective gets access to LaShawna and beats the fetus out her. Oh, I didn't mention she was pregnant!?! She doesn't mention this to her baby daddy either until she's on her death bed. Excuse me while I stifle a sardonic giggle. Why no one wondered why she was practically dead after talking to Detective White Devil still puzzles me. And on the day she was supposed to get out of jail too! What a tragedy.

Detective White Devil decides that killing a girl who knew absolutely nothing about his crime was not enough, so he decides to perform a drive-by AT HER FUNERAL and shoot up her family and friends. At her funeral! I mean, there are bad cops, and then there are BAD cops. Kool steals a hearse and a boring chase scene ensues ending with a crispy Detective White Devil when his van explodes. (What? No making bacon jokes? A joke like that might have saved this movie. Maybe.) End of movie, right? WRONG! Now we are treated to Kool and his gang of Hot Boyz (the z makes it edgy, you know) getting his revenge on the world by shooting up casino goers and stealing stuff.( I'm almost convinced that the cub/casino shooting scene is ripped straight from another C. Thomas Howell paycheck called "The Sweeper.") Everyone is looking for the gang, yet, no wonders why Kool can suddenly afford a mansion. Anyway, his gang gets cornered and they all die in an epic (read: boring) shootout. And Kool crashes his car into the water and escapes with his life. He is convicted and sentenced for his mayhem and murder, but is released after five years on a technicality. I guess you are supposed to feel triumphant for him because he stuck it to the man and did not have to do any time for his egregious transgressions. But, really, five years!?!

This was an awful movie with no direction, little or no acting, and a poor story. You'd be better off putting your balls in a vice rather than watch this. At least putting your balls in a vice wouldn't be as painful.

The two stars are for Gary Busey's queer little yell while he's doing dishes and his love of girl scout cookies. You know what I'm talking about.
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1/10
Go Away Ferrel
16 October 2006
I don't really understand why everyone finds Will Ferrell so damn hilarious. All he does is make a bunch of funny faces and gestures and acts as if he's a really stupid, spoiled child. But that's just my opinion of course, what this review is really about is the stupidity of the film.

Will Ferrell plays a man whose father's competitive nature kept him in sports his entire life despite having no grace or natural athletic ability. Now Ferrel's son is a bench warmer for his grandfather's #1 soccer team. When Ferrel's son is traded to a the worst team in the league who just happens to be all of a sudden coachless, Ferrell reluctantly takes up the job and invites his father's neighbor and rival to assistant coach the poorly skilled team to victory.

Well, they didn't try too hard to help the boys to be better players, they just got some Italians to do the job of winning for them. If this had been a movie about basketball, they would have went down to the ghetto and picked out some black kids.

Meanwhile, Ferrel becomes a coffee addict and keeps burning himself and slowly becoming more of a douche then he already is. It's supposed to be hilarious I suppose, but I felt the humor drain out of me as each disconnected scene rolled by (becuase that's all this movie really is- just a bunch of disjointed scenes of Ferrel and his idiotic antics made to make... well I don't know who laughs at this stuff.) There's some inevitable bet made and Ferrel's team wins. The winning goal was scored by his son who Ferrell finally realized he had been making a bench warmer.The coffee was messing with his head I suppose. If you are going to teach kids about the evil of drugs, why choose caffeine?

I guess all ends happily but I wasn't really paying attention. By that time I was legally dead as all the life had been sucked out of me by this horrible movie. So the moral of the story is: If you are too inept to teach children to play soccer go get some stereotypical Italians and act stupid. You will discover the error of your ways at the last moment when it is too late to redeem yourself.

I lied up there when I said this review wasn't about Ferrel. It is. It was him that really brought the movie down. Maybe some people think it's really funny for a grown man to make fun of children. Maybe some people think is really funny to flounder around and freak about about stupid things. Maybe some people think it's funny to be "random," which seems to be Ferrel's shtick. I don't.

I give this film 0 out of 10 stars. It has no redeeming qualities.
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Sasquatch Hunters (2005 Video)
3/10
What's worse than a Sci Fi Original Picture?
21 July 2005
That's right. A movie written, directed and produced by Fred Tepper and family. (Fred should have known better, having worked the sets of 'Titantic' and 'Dogma'.)

So, the plot. There are some scientists, and some forest rangers, and a hot chick with huge fake breasts. They are all really bad at their jobs, including the hot chick(who I think is supposed to be a photographer, but who cares because she wears a bikini). One of the forest rangers comments that the scientists are "professional people," which is good, because it would be horrible if they were professional grubs or jellybeans or Ewoks.

They are hiking through the woods in search of some strange ape-like bones, and no one even once mentions that the bones just might be those of the infamous Bigfoot. They just wander around and one of the rangers unabashedly hits on the hottie. We all hope he dies real soon (along with his sister who's meant to be the cute naive one, but is really just annoying). Then they, *gasp*, find a Sasqu... I mean, Ape-like Animal Burial Ground. Of course, no mentions that it might just be Bigfoot bones they're messing with... I guess scientists and forest rangers just don't think about those types of things.

Then Sasquatch and his tribe get really angry and kill all the people we dislike, chases the other losers away and buries his Great Aunt Muriel and Cousin Josh (who died in an unfortunate trout accident) all over again.

Insipid, boring dialogue (I zoned out several times), inane plot, unlikable characters, bad CGI (a man in a monkey suit would look better), and acting that just wasn't very good all add up to make a movie I won't be watching again.

You check it out though; it's good for some unintentional laughs.
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1/10
Ow.
14 July 2005
This movie hurts. In fact, I just watched it (the MST3K version no less)and now have a headache. I don't normally review a film if I've only seen it on MST3K, but this movie is so bad I think it deserves all the scathing reviews it can receive. Did I mention how much this film hurts me?

I've compiled a checklist of all that is wrong with this film. (As if the whole film wasn't a huge mess.)

Annoying narration- check. Unlikable (detestable, odious, vomit inducing, ridiculous) characters- check. Horrible story- check. Stupid, inane dialogue- check. Pretty bad acting (not the worst, but not good)- check. Idiotic flashbacks "covered in cheese cloth"- check. Bad lighting (it's either too dark, or daytime when it's supposed to be night)- check. Insulting to the audience- check. Crap, cop out ending- check.

Hell, I could go on forever. If there's one bad movie I never recommend fans of bad movies watch it's this one. You'll want to drill your brain and gouge out your eyes. One of the most painful movies I've seen on MST3K (with the 'Blood Waters of Dr.Z' tying for the top). Horrible.
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5/10
Huh?
12 July 2005
Warning: Spoilers
Les Revenantes (They Came Back) is an artsy French film in which they, the recently deceased, come back. Recently in this film spans ten years and 75% of the dead are over 60. Why? How? They are dressed in pastel tourist clothes and "are in perfect health." Then... nothing happens. At all. No. Nothing. The movie slides from mundane frame to mundane frame with a severe lack of dialogue and soundtrack. The non-dead wander around and stare off into space and have a slightly lower body temperature than not-non-dead people. They go home to their families and wander around and stare some more. The dead somehow organize some bombs to go off, not killing anyone, then retreat to the sewers to become mole people or Morlocks or something. Some are gassed into comas on the way. Then the gassed ones disappear the next day. Then a woman wipes steam off her mirror.

Have questions about the plot? Well the screen writer sure as hell isn't going to answer them. I wanted to bash my head against something but opted to sing the subtitles instead.

An interesting concept is ruined by an insanely slow pace and a minimal plot. Five out of ten because the film looked good and the acting seemed fine.
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Primal Fear (1996)
9/10
Wow...
28 June 2005
Warning: Spoilers
*Yes, there really are spoilers!*

I thought 'Primal Fear' was going great when the first little twist hit. I wasn't expecting it, and having that first fascinating twist sprung on me really made the movie just a little better. EdwardNorton's Aaron was an absolutely adorable altar boy with a Kentucky drawl and stutter that just made you love him more, and then he was Roy, angry, brash and violent.

Let me back track a bit. Aaron's been accused of slaughtering a prominent Arch Bisoph (and it appears as though he really did it too). His lawyer, a money and fame loving sleaze with a gold tinted heart (played by Gere)originally took the case in hopes of getting his name plastered on even more magazines. However, now he's becoming emotionally involved with abused and exploited Aaron, who suffers from Multiple Personality Disorder.

I don't even have words to express how much I liked this movie. The courtroom scenes weren't boring and drawn out and just when you think it's all resolved and justice has been done, 'Primal Fear' turns completely around and you are left thinking "Oh my God... what the... AWESOME!" I seriously urge Edward Norton fans, psychological thriller fans and film fans in general to rent (or buy) this film.
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2/10
2 hours and 10 minutes! Is this thing going to be over soon?
28 June 2005
Warning: Spoilers
An hour and a half of practically dead air kill an interesting concept in this Korean action-drama. By the last 30 minutes I was looking for a hard surface to bash my head against while yelling at the actors to DO SOMETHING!

*SPOILERS*

Other than that, I laughed quite a bit throughout the film. It wasn't made to be a comedy, but it turned out that way. Even the WTF plot twist earned a chuckle from me. So this Japanese controlled Korea wasn't an alternate universe, but the work of an evil Japanese family/ corporation and some seemingly inept archaeologists? I don't know why the Koreans hated being under Japanese rule so much, it didn't seem any worse than having to worry about Kim Jong Il and communism.

Whatever Korea.

I really liked the two main characters police partners/ life partners dynamic (until the fem partner turned into an EVIL Japanese PIG, of course). Oh, and I can't forget the girl/boy/chimp (what was it?!). It was fun to watch everyone mow down everything with guns, but pause during the mayhem so the heroes could stop and grieve, or take a nap, or... just... stand... there...

And the end. What? Why did...?

Oh, never mind, this movie is just a jumbled mess of WTF moments, sheer hilarity and ZZZ's. Big fans of foreign films or B- Scifi's might enjoy it... but, I doubt it. Rent it to laugh your head off.
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Comedy Central Presents: Lewis Black: 3 (2002)
Season 6, Episode 1
10/10
Fantastic...
23 June 2005
I adore Lewis Black. He is one of my favorite comedians. He's sarcastic, angry, vulgar and notices all the stupid situations and people of the world that all of us hate but many of us just skip over.

As many comedians, Black's humor is not for children. But, unlike many of those others, Black's stand-up is smart and the slight vulgarities add to rather that take away from the show.

His facial expressions and actions add even more hilarity to his routine and his transitions and punch-lines are perfect.

Many people may have seen him on "The Daily Shoew with Jon Stewart". If you love him there, you'll love his thirty minute specials.

I suggest you check him out if you love sarcasm.
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Comedy Central Presents: Brian Regan (2000)
Season 3, Episode 14
10/10
One of my faves...
23 June 2005
I love Brain Regan. His stand-up is the type that everyone can understand. Everyday situations that seem ridiculous are explored by Regan and made even more ridiculous. He notices things that most of us don't and makes fun of them.

It's clean and throughout the show you'll be exclaiming"That is so true!" in the middle of your laughs.

His punch lines are right on time, and his facial expressions and tone of voice make everything twice as hilarious.

No matter how many times Comedy Central presents this Brain Regan show, I'll never get tired of it.

"TWO COOKIES!"- Brain Regan
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Guilty Conscience (1985 TV Movie)
9/10
Wow...
14 June 2005
As my brother might say, "This has more twists than a bag of pretzels."

I wasn't expecting much and came out with feeling of extreme satisfaction, for this film is great. The beginning is a little slow but it soon picks up speed quickly and then you are on the edge of your seat.

Some people said 'GuiltyConscience' was predictable, but I severely disagree. Not only did Ihave no idea was was going to happen, but I gasped out loud at several points. The plot was simple but complicated. Hopkins was fantastic as the scheming husband and cross examiner. The rest of the cast was excellent as well. Thoroughly entertaining.

Check this film out if you are looking for interesting mystery-drama; you won't regret it.
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Dragon Storm (2004 TV Movie)
5/10
Surprising...
10 June 2005
For SciFi pictures this movies is surprisingly not bad. Not to say it's good at all, but it was much better than some of their cheese.

I was pleasantly surprised with the Dragon CGI. The characters were pretty hilarious (though not intentionally) in their appearance and actions. The huntsman's hair was probably the best part of the movie. For a man that spent his life outdoors, his hair was nicely cut and styled and he had some very feminine bangs (though he did need a bit of conditioner). The acting was pretty bad and the subplots got in the way of good old Dragon Slaying. It's quite obvious who's going to die once all the character's are introduced as well. Who cares, though? This movie is fun and cheesy. Watch it one Friday night while drinking a couple beers and eating pizza.

Go check out Chupacabra Terror if you enjoyed Dragon Storm. Chupa is another cheesy Sci-fi pictures original that's even more hilarious than Dragon Storm. It's about the South American goat-sucker on a cruise ship captained by none other than John Rhys-Davies.
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Cyber Ninja (1988)
4/10
Ha Ha Ha....
10 June 2005
Wow. MST3K fans check this film out out, especially the English dubbed version. It's absolutely hilarious- so bad it's good. The story is ridiculous, the hero is stupid, and the villains are like something from Power Rangers. One of the villains looks like he has a bunch of snow crabs glued to his back. I especially love the horrible dubbing. For example, the opening fight sequence involves a man (our hero, I believe) rolling down a hill. Instead of the oof's and oww's that one might imagine a man rolling down hill would make, he screams like he's been chucked over a 300 ft. cliff. God, I couldn't stop laughing. A funny movie that's not supposed to be.
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7/10
Creepy...
10 June 2005
This is probably one of Disney's most disturbing films. As a child the villains scared me horribly. I shied away from the film for years claiming to absolutely hate it, yet finally succumbed to watching it again couple months back.

The mousy take on Sherlock Holmes is clever and cute and the premise is simple and oh-so Disney. Still, though, at 18 years old, I was creeped out by the villains. Maybe it was the drab settings that added a level of uneasiness or Ratigan's smoky voice and queer-eye personality. In fact, with the exception of Dawson, all the characters were real drama queens. Maybe that is just the English.

Any way, this drably colorful almost classic Disney film is more suited for older children. It's still fun though. Check it out.
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10/10
Cry...
10 June 2005
You'll cry at least once during the course of this film.

This somber story of a loving brother and sister trying to survive in a war savaged Japan is beautiful. The siblings situation is hopeless and yet hopeful all at the same moment. Through all the sadness and death there is still a sense of the carefree and innocent. The soft animation makes the movie so much more fantastic.

If you are looking for a hack and slash anime, this is not the film for you. However, if you want a mature and beautiful piece of Japanese animation reminiscent of something of Miyazaki's, go rent or buy this film.
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The Final Sacrifice (1990 Video)
5/10
I don't know, you guys....
9 June 2005
I don't know, you guys, I kind of like The Final Sacrifice. Yeah, it was a pretty crappy film, but what do you expect from such a low budget? There are tons of big budget films that are worse than this film. The acting wasn't bad at all either. The characters were interesting and the plot actually had a little something going on. The problem: not enough back story. I would have loved to learn more about Rowsdower and Troy. Their characters needed to develop more. The plot needed to some meat on its bones. The writers should have dropped Mike Pipper and had Troy and Rowsdower somehow discover what was going on themselves. Plus, Troy and Rowsdower made such a... uh... cute couple and they had tons of sexual tension and chemistry. There should have been a bit of romance between the two. The movie had potential that it just didn't live up to.
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7/10
I know bad when I see it...
6 June 2005
I know bad when I see it. As a MST3K fanatic, I've seen the worst of the worst and loved every minute. I rented Killer Klowns thinking it would be so bad I'd groan and laugh the whole way through.

Gasp, Killer Klowns isn't bad at all- it's creative and funny. This movie doesn't take itself seriously, and that makes for fun time for everyone.

It's a contemporary monster movie with a 1950's Blob-ish feel. The Chiodo Bros. demented sense of humor, simple and coherent plot, kreepy-looking klowns and decent cast of actors makes for an entertaining Friday night movie.Pair this one up with The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra and you've got yourself a great double-feature.
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Troll 2 (1990)
4/10
Curiosity killed me...
6 June 2005
Warning: Spoilers
I saw the Troll I and II double feature at Blockbuster and my first thought was "AWESOME!!!" I knew they'd be bad and I'd love every minute. Plus Troll II is like 7 on the bottom 100 and I wanted to see how bad it really was.

Unlike Troll I, which is funny, cute and entertaining, Troll II is total crap. The movie opens with a bad voice over telling a ridiculous story about Goblins. Goblins, mind you, not Trolls. No one really cares about any of it. The bad voice is that of Grandpa Seth, who is dead. He is pretty bad actor with a hilariously serious look constantly on his face. His expression makes up for his acting. He is telling the story in a Princess Bride fashion to Joshua, an ugly little boy who is the best actor in the movie and that is not saying much. Moving on. The rest of Joshua's family are HORRIBLE actors- the worst I've ever seen. The acting is so bad you'll want to jump into the movie and take over because you know you're Oscar worthy compared to them. Or you'll just wish they would die. There is some mention of a farmer exchange program the family is taking part in. Joshua's sister has a tiff with her undeniably gay boyfriend about his friends (aka lovers).

The family goes to Nilbog. It's deserted. The family is stupid for even going there for whatever reason. Grandpa Seth warns Josh of goblins and the green slime that turns you into goblin chow. Joshua pees on slimy food because his family is blind and about to eat it. The rest of the movie just gets crappier and crappier. There is a hideous German Goblin woman... aww, I'm not even going to go into it. This movie is so utterly stupid it doesn't even deserve a plot synopsis. The plot is bad, the dialogue is cringe worthy and the acting is so bad I wished everyone death in the first five minutes.

This movie isn't even so BAD it's GOOD, it's just bad. Don't ever watch if you can help it.
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1/10
The Real Title
2 June 2005
Warning: Spoilers
Vampires Vs. Zombies wasn't the original title. It was actually...

Nasty Lesbian Semi-Vampires and Two Zombies Getting Hit by Cars: Special Guest appearances by Bob the Lesbian Gypsie-Witch and her dog, Random Woman with special powers and the Catholic School Girl Short Skirt Zombie Choir.

Also on the Box: Warning: No Plot- only the writer and director will understand the end, or anything else in this movie.

Seriously though, I love bad movies. I love Vampires. I love Zombies. Hell, I even enjoy the lesbians. This movie combined all three with a vague and confusing (or non-existent) plot, horrendous (I mean REALLY BAD) dialogue, and random STUFF and PEOPLE that have nothing to do with anything (or do they... I didn't know what in the world was going on). Oh, and I can't forget the green oatmeal 'Zombies' in latex gloves (yes, the film makers were so cheap they couldn't even cover their Zombies hands in oatmeal and paint). Any way, the result was this excruciatingly BAD film, if you could even call it that.

Was the end supposed to not make sense? The Vampire was really Nurse and the other girl was really a mental patient? Where were the Vampires Vs. Zombies? Hell, where were the Vampires at all... you really couldn't call any of the girls vampires. Whatever.

Don't ever rent or buy this movie. If you are REALLY curious... okay, I'll understand. Seriously, even lovers of BAD movies won't be able to stand this one. It should be number 1 on the bottom 100.
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Basket Case (1982)
9/10
Love it!
2 June 2005
I went into Basket Case thinking "Oh God, this is going to be excruciating." The first five minutes totally shattered my expectations.

This movie wasn't boring and horrible- it was hilarious, gory and great. I laughed hysterically at the bad acting, Crayola paint blood, sleazy characters (and scenes), and horrendous dialogue. "Whatcha got in the basket? Easter Eggs?" This is one of the Best Bad films I've seen (up there with Troll I and II, Chupacabra Terror, and Chopping Mall). I particularly enjoyed the Disgusting Blob Brother's sexual frustration and the black wo-MAN (I couldn't tell until she practically took off all her clothes and even then). All the Roach Hotel's patrons were hilarious, especially the crazy woman who just shows up and tells random stories and then disappears quickly.

Basket Case is great for Bad Movie Connoisseurs and gore lovers. Fantastic... I want to watch again!
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Wild Zero (1999)
9/10
Best Zombie Movie EVER!
2 June 2005
Warning: Spoilers
This really is the best Zombie movie ever. Not only does it contain the coolest monsters ever- Zombies- but there are some vague aliens creating these zombies... somehow. Plot? What Plot? I can't even remember if there was a plot. I do remember, however, that this movie ROCKED! You probably won't really get what's going on, or what Ace is doing (or who he is), or why Guitar Wolf and band have magical powers and a magical whistle, but that doesn't matter. All you need is an appreciation of awesome Rock-n-Roll, an open mind on gender and sexual confusion (ACE!! Gender is not a factor in love! Or something like that), a love of kick ass-ery, bad hair and short short SHORT lace up shorts, and explosions... oh, and of course Zombies.
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