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markagerholm
Reviews
The X Files: Lord of the Flies (2001)
Probably the series' weakest effort
The X-Files is one of my favorite shows. I've watched it from the beginning and have seen every episode. A top-notch episode is comparable to a four-star movie (Triangle, Dod Kalm, X-Cops), but unfortunately, the worst episodes make me want to stuff the DVD hole with m80s and toss it like a frisbee (First Person Shooter, Space, Herrenvolk). Lord of the Flies, one of the series' final episodes, is perhaps the most unwatchable episode there is. Thing is, I really wanted to give this episode a shot. Season Nine didn't turn out to be anything great, but I think it turned out better than most people say it did. And this episode happened to focus partially on one of my favorite songwriters, Syd Barrett. Unfortunately, the writing is atrocious and cheesy. It seems as though it's intended to be a tongue-in-cheek episode, which also happens to be my favorite X-Files variety, but the artistic merit is lost when we're supposed to find ourselves sympathizing with characters that act sporadically and often break up the mood when they try to be taken seriously. Overall, this is up there with First Person Shooter for the worst X-File ever made.
Jaws Unleashed (2006)
Not NEARLY as bad as they say
I picked up JAWS: Unleashed three days ago, and I'm totally hooked. The list price of a brand new copy was only 27 bucks--not bad at all. I can't comment on its replayability, but so far the story missions are more than entertaining. It's not Grand Theft Auto calibur, but it's definitely one of the better games around.
First of all, if you love marine life like I do, JAWS is a blast. Not only do you get to hunt and kill tons of lifeforms, but you get to take a good look at all of them in a nice little Animal Bios extra on the main menu. Unfortunately, this brings me to the biggest downside of the game. I was so ready to give this an 8, but I felt cheated, and in my anger, I dropped it by a point. Why? Ever been to the NY Museum of Natural History? You see that giant blue whale scale sculpture hanging from the ceiling? Absolutely amazing, isn't it? That thing is HUGE! In the animal bios, we are promised that we'll be battling blue whales, and I was flinching around in my chair with anticipation. Sure, they're harmless in reality, but the Animal Bio gives damage stats for a tail whip and how much nutrition eating a blue whale will provide you. Unfortunately, the designers sucker-punched us whale-lovers. There are NO blue whales in this game! Well, okay, there are, off in the distance, where the water's current is too strong to go. Hell, I would have been happy just to swim up near one, even if I couldn't attack it, but no...we just get very distant silhouettes. No sperm whales, either. And the giant squid aren't exactly gigantic at all. (Even though I've only had this game for a short time, I've searched everywhere for the blue whales' locations, and finally read an apologetic statement on a forum at Gamefaqs.com from an employee that worked on the game...so it is confirmed.) With that rather ugly quip aside, the game is extremely visceral and fun. If you love ocean life, you will love this game. If you loved the movies (or at least the first one), you will love this game. Otherwise, I'm not sure how you'll react, but there is plenty of blood and gore to keep you entertained. The controls, I found, were perfect (unlike what Gamespot has to say), and the camera only bothers me on rare occasions, which is good for a 3D underwater game. There are bugs, but they come up so rarely and they do little to interfere with the gameplay.
Overall, I am more than happy with this game. Free roaming gets repetitive after long stretches, but the story missions provide a nice departure from that. Aside from the empty promises I mentioned above, this is a stellar game that is at least worth a rental.
Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Clones (2002)
Enjoyable, but the worst in the series
Just like the title, this whole movie seems botched and full of contrivances. I may be one of the few that thought The Phantom Menace was actually a better film than this. Needless to say, it does not live up to the name, Star Wars.
Anakin Skywalker, played by Hayden Christensen, plays a pubescent, irritating little sh*t with lines reminiscent of "teens-gone-bad" movies from the 1950s. In fact, he's pretty much interchangeable with the protagonist from "I Was a Teenage Werewolf." His only good scene occurs in the village of the Tusken Raiders--after that, I found myself begging him to don the Darth Vader suit and have James Earl Jones take over his lines. And this is not Christensen's fault. He is actually a great actor (see "Life as a House"). This is proof that the writing and directing were at most of the fault for botching this potentially classic film.
Attack of the Clones is mostly known for its love scenes. The film moves incredibly slowly, and action is quite sparse. The love scenes are so ridiculously cheesy, I found Corey and Depanga (sp?) from "Boy Meets World" more convincing.
As for the battle scenes, I really had troubles. While Jango Fett was a great character to introduce Boba, the fight between him and Obi-Wan was probably the most contrived scene in Hollywood blockbuster history to date. While Obi-Wan is falling to his death, he tosses a string, and, using the force, ties a knot (while he's FALLING, people!!!), and is saved at the last second in an event that should have ripped his arms out of his sockets. You really have to see this to believe it.
The Jedi battle in the coliseum is engaging, as is the final battle on Geonosis. Yoda duking it out with Count Dooku was a blast, though Dooku is nothing compared to Darth Maul as a villain.
My biggest problem is that the heroes seem so invincible in this film that it's hard to believe many of them are supposed to die in Revenge of the Sith (a far better film, by the way). There is no tension. Only eye candy. It's too bad we have to muck through this awful film to see the whole series. I recommend the cartoon, "Clone Wars" over this any day.
Red Ninja: End of Honor (2005)
Awful, yet addicting...which is a bad thing...
Just as there are some games out there that make you think "Whoa! I can't believe we have this technology!" like Resident Evil 4 and GTA: San Andreas, there are games at the other end of the spectrum that make you wonder just how little effort was made to make the game at least playable. Red Ninja falls into the latter category. It seems as though most of the ideas of the game went into making the protagonist's kimono as skimpy as possible, complete with a g-string underneath (most of the time you're staring at her bare @ss). I picked up this game because, as far as I know, it's the only game in which you use a flail as your main weapon, but even the flail is clunky and impossible to use. Above all, the camera never moves on its own, never repositions itself for the convenience of the player, and is very difficult to control, making controlling your character most of the game's challenge. This blatant rip-off of the Tenchu series has only two points of interest: the level designs are unique and innovative (although a level that kills you fifty times before you can beat it once is not challenging, but rather a cheesy way to hook a player), and the boss battles are fairly inventive. Besides that, the story is garbage, the enemy AI is well below par, and the ability to seduce guards is a cheap way to sell this game to sex-deprived deviants. A very poor game, mostly cashing in on its (ahem, LACKING) sex appeal.
Biohazard 4 (2005)
Instant Classic
For a die-hard Resident Evil fan, it is definitely perturbing to see RE undergo such a drastic overhaul, including the absence of zombies and the T-Virus.
Yes, RE has gone from creepy puzzle-horror to straight action-horror. In fact, the real horror in this game is simply accounting for the sparse ammo and health throughout when you can hear an army of your opponents breathing in the next room. With some of the new features, like a health bar that increases as the game progresses and a merchant that upgrades your weapons, it often feels like an action-RPG.
But this game was executed superbly! Almost every step of the way has you battling superhuman enemies with incredible AI. The ability to dodge attacks and use the environment to your advantage make the battles extremely open-ended. Your enemies will almost always attack in a formation of sorts, wielding weapons like chainsaws, pitchforks, mini-guns, arrows (usually flaming arrows), and rocket launchers, and you have very little time to decide on your actions. This is one of the most intense games in the series, not because it's a scary game, but because the battles require such quick reflexes and rigorous skill.
Although there are many characters and references from earlier games in the series, a newcomer should have no problem entering the series here. Capcom really worked all the bugs out of this game, and sometimes you'll be so shocked that they actually had the technology to make it. Battle sequences are so intelligently set up that they make epic titles like Half-Life look tame.
Going room to room and fighting your way through armies of enemies that successfully use teamwork to their advantage alone makes this a rewarding experience. Throw in puzzles, RPG elements, weapons that are incredibly fun to use, and a perspective that has never before been done, and you have RE4--an original, groundbreaking masterpiece that is without competition in its genre.
Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace (1999)
It's a Children's Movie
I consider The Phantom Menace to be the second worst film in the series. It's not a horrible film by any means, but you must be prepared for one particular letdown: this film doesn't seem to have been made for the aged fans of the original trilogy. Instead, it appeals mostly to small children and die-hard fans of the saga. For that, I give this film praise; it is a very decent children's movie. Granted, it's nothing up against the likes of The Secret of Nimh, The Brave Little Toaster, or even The Incredibles and other recent Pixar films, but most boys who were under the age of ten when The Phantom Menace was released thought Anakin Skywalker was nothing short of awesome.
For seasoned veterans like myself, however, the childish humor really falls short. The combination of Jake Lloyd as Anakin and Jar Jar Binks almost completely ruined it for me, and I feel as though I have to block those characters out in my mind to enjoy the film. Anakin's one-liners during the assault on the droid control ship sounded like the Ninja Turtles in the early 90s. Furthermore, between him and Jar Jar, the seemingly epic battles were won completely by accident. No such travesty existed in the original trilogy, and furthermore, it diminishes the heroism of both characters. Essentially, the only true hero of the film is Obi-Wan Kenobe, and for the entirety of the film he is mostly kept in the background as a babysitter for the queen, whose acting in this film resembles that of a crash test dummy.
My last gripes about this film are mostly visual problems. The CGI really dominates this movie. I personally found it more charming when costumes ruled Hollywood. It's just that many of the CGI stunts are so ludicrous and overexaggerated, making this more resemblant of a multi-million-dollar cartoon than a Star Wars film.
On the good side, there are many positive aspects of this film. The story, for one thing, is great for the saga. Focusing on a number of things, including Palpatine's rise to power, Obi-Wan's last days of training, Anakin's incredible skills as an engineer, and the rebirth of the Sith after a long time of peace. The dialog is even fairly decent, so long as Jar Jar, Anakin, and Queen Amidala have nothing to say.
I found Qui-Gon Jinn (sp?) to be the most likable character. In the entire prequel trilogy, in fact, he has more lines of wisdom than even Yoda (whose puppet actually looked worse in this film than it did in The Empire Strikes Back).
Darth Maul was a great villain. His mystique was what kept me interested in him--sometimes it really is better to only show the tip of the iceberg. A lot of people complain that he was underdeveloped, but, honestly, I like it much better that way for characters like him. In addition, his lightsaber battle against Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan is my favorite lightsaber battle in the entire series.
While Episode I definitely did not live up to the hype or the original trilogy, it was a decent addition to the saga. 6/10
Niagara, Niagara (1997)
One of my favorites
I like movies about quirky people. "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest" is maybe my all time favorite, so one can imagine I had a blast with this one. It's definitely not one to watch if you want to walk off smiling. This movie is unpredictable and intense. Some scenes are downright frightening, even after multiple viewings (because this kind of stuff really can happen). It will most definitely keep you on the edge of your seat for the whole ride. And after you see the ending, if you're not deeply disturbed, you really should check yourself for a pulse.
The acting was phenomenal. Marcy, with her rather extreme case of tourette's, shifts from quirky-cute to utterly terrifying, sometimes appearing so out-of-control that she looks like the undead. Seth was great, too. The focus of the movie definitely does not fall nearly as much on him as it does on Marcy, though he happens to be the one that gains the most momentum as a blossoming character.
It's a classic love story with some unconventional twists, and it's also my favorite love story next to "True Romance." There are two bad reviews for it up here, but one of the people who gave such a review didn't have his facts straight and admitted to not seeing the whole film, while the other was just looking for some Hollywood thrills without the deep characters (and perhaps was a little thrown off by the apparent shallowness of the plot, seeing as the end goal revolves around stealing a black bobbi head from a toy store). The point is that this movie is not for those who want to see something "normal" or "lighthearted". This one is messed up and indie as can be, and won't let you go until the heavy climax.
Jaws 3-D (1983)
Well, it was fun, but...
I just watched this movie last night.
I must say, the first hour of it is somewhat compelling. But the fact of the matter remains, I have been a big fan of sharks since I was about three years old, and what this film does is retain the shark physics very well. Shark behavior, on the other hand, is completely reversed (great whites only tend to go in for "hit-and-run attacks") but that's really not the point of this film.
What this movie is made for is purely entertainment. While the first Jaws had a tremendous amount of psychological tension, this film provides only death, death, death. More people are killed in this film than any other Jaws film. Not to mention that they made the shark the largest it could possibly be (35 ft). The 35 foot great white is as rare as fist-sized diamonds, but we see one in this film--thank God, though, for the size of the shark does save the film ever so slightly.
The first hour of the film consists of tension regarding a smaller, ten foot long baby shark that is kept in captivity, being the only great white in such a state. Dennis Quaid and Bess Armstrong provide the leading roles here, and they are both incredibly good actors that have been given an incredibly mundane script. However, as a shark fan, I recommend this film for its scientific accuracy in the first half.
Once the information is relayed to Louis Gosset Jr.'s character, Calvin, the story begins to turn sour. At first, the shark appears among a group of black-tips and sand tigers (less dangerous and smaller aquarium-type sharks) outside of SeaWorld's more expensive dining area, and it really scares the living hell out of the tourists (imagine a 35-foot black-eyed monster suddenly appearing around sharks no larger than perhaps six feet right in front of you).
From there on, the whole movie turns to trash. It's like Godzilla underwater. The shark looks claymated (seriously) and it's vile and malicious. Sharks really aren't that smart. I don't believe any shark would ever smash its way into an undersea control room, but this one does. Also, I recall reading that sharks need to keep moving through the sea to survive (other than the sleeper shark), but this one has no trouble camping out for ten minutes to claim several victims. Also, I realize that this shark needs quite a bit of food to sustain itself (hello, 35 friggin' FEET!!!) but the fact is, it eats a few people, and yet the first of the people it eats in the second half of the film is not even swallowed, even after another victim is (see the film, you will understand what I mean by this).
The best part of this film is the part in which a diver is trapped inside the mouth of the beast. For about three minutes we watch as this diver is chewed up (and really empathetically feel his tension). The camera angles for this time frame all appear inside the monster's mouth and the whole experience is coupled with a sense of intense claustrophobia that cannot be replicated in any other film.
This movie was overall a hunk of garbage, but to fans of sharks like myself, a few shots of vodka can make Jaws III very interesting, but further than that, I would call it utter crap.
Frequency (2000)
Smart, funny, and utterly frightening - a masterpiece in the field of escapism
Here is a movie that, at the time of its release, was beaten to death by critics saying that it was just another clone of "The Sixth Sense". Such statements caused me and a whole lot of others to avoid this stellar film at all costs. After the disappointment I faced when seeing "The Sixth Sense", I was pleased to see someone get the ghost-horror genre right with "Stir of Echoes," and after the blunder of "What Lies Beneath", I had just about had it with ghosts.
But this is not a ghost story. It's more of a science fiction movie, and a very original and intelligent one at that. It starts off poorly, leaving the viewer to expect some kind of mindless fireman action film, dropping you head-on into franticism that follows characters that you know nothing about and, therefore, could care less for.
Thankfully, the characters in this film soon become the focus, and the action takes a major step back in order to allow the characters to bounce one another and, in a span of less than ten minutes, this film transforms from a third rate action flick into a marvelous display of emotion and intellect.
The plot is hardly believable, revolving around the aurora borealis and an old radio that allows Frank Sullivan (Dennis Quaid) to communicate with his son exactly thirty years in the future, long after Frank's untimely demise. The explanation for how and why is delivered through news flashes on the television, explaining that the aurora borealis cannot be fully realized because it completely defies all the laws of physics, making an intelligent and interesting case for the believability of the plot. But how believable the plot is is not important by any means, as the characters are so stellar that you will be simply on the edge of your seat waiting for certain characters to interact with one another. The dialogue in this film is VERY believable, and at times it is both beautifully touching and horrifyingly intense.
The given science of changing the future is a little bit muddled throughout (especially toward the end) but the characters' individual evolutions are incredibly real. For instance, in 1969 John's mother is a beautiful and free-spirited nurse, where in 1999 she has aged so realistically and yet retains her core characteristics as a loving mother and an overworked nurse. The physical differences are real as can be, right down to their voices.
I should also mention that the villain in this film is one of the most despicable characters in fictional history. I usually find the sympathetic and tortured villains that act out of desperation to be the most memorable--however, the villain in this story is relentless, soulless, and terrifying--not to mention REAL. He shadows the heroes in both time frames with an unparalleled intellect, cold and calculating brilliance, as well as a sadistic personal life that extends beyond the Sullivan family. His character provides the backbone of this story, making it quite possibly the most intense and suspenseful movie in history.
Lastly, the directing seems a little mindless at the start, but as the film progresses the director takes a major turn, making the film more dreamlike and artful. The simultaneity is portrayed flawlessly between the two timelines, and at times the images displayed in this film are quite magnificent.
Never has a film glued me to my chair in the manner that this film did. Joy, love, hate, sadness, and fear will run deep throughout every bone in your body--this film is able to bring out all of your emotions at once. While being a film designed mostly just for entertainment and escapism, it's quite possibly the best of its kind--if not, it's certainly better than "The Sixth Sense".
Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith (2005)
The best since Empire
Yeah, it's better than Jedi. It's even arguably better than A New Hope. It beats the living daylights out of Phantom Menace and Clones. But of course, certainly not Empire...
It's Revenge of the Sith, Lucas's latest (and final) addition to the Star Wars sextant. And it's good...
If you saw the first two Star Wars films to come out in the last decade, as well as that awful 1997 remastery of the original (I can't even bring myself to pick up the new DVDs I'm so distraught from those...), then you just might be under the opinion that Episode III is going to be another example of Lucas's senility...
Episode I and II were chock full of wooden acting. Well, gee, Episode IV, do you recall Luke whining about going down to the hachi station to pick up power converters? Yeah, that's one of those lines that I try to repress. Then Empire comes along. Leia kisses her twin brother with tongue. Gross. Jedi? Hello, the evil empire was ultimately defeated by...what? Teddy bears? Get out! The truth is, the original trilogy had a charm that the new trilogy lacks, and that charm is visual flaw (especially episode IV). They weren't nearly the big budget mammoths that our new films are, and the fact that the new generation of films are mostly animated seems to aggrevate a whole lot of die hard fans. Of course, back then the Death Star was a ping pong table loaded up with fireworks, which would just be silly to use today. However, in truth, the overall appeal of the characters isn't quite as strong throughout the trilogy this time around as it once was, and this is a claim that one could argue easily in favor of the original trilogy. The difference is, however, less than it seems...
Okay, lots to say here...
First, it seems somebody paid off some poor girl to go on a single date with Lucas because he seems to have the concept of love somewhat better in this film, albeit barely. He has limited his cornball love story as much as possible, making most of it take place within Anakin as he searches for a way to save Padme from certain childbirth death. However, the dialogue that takes place between the two of them is still trashy jargon. I think Lucas should have scrapped the idea of love and had Anakin just knock up some girl on a one night stand with twins. Sure, the morals would have been a little warped, but it's better than what we had to deal with in Episode II.
And Jar Jar doesn't bite the bullet like I had hoped he would. Well, at least he doesn't get a single line in this. Nope, not one. But still, he was the only one I really was excited about getting killed, and he didn't.
And that wraps up the flaws of the new film.
Christenson's (sp?) acting in the new film is miles ahead of how he was in Episode II. He appears much older and wiser. He has scars. A cool haircut. He's not crying out "it's not fair, obi-wan holds me back, waaaaaah." Nope. He's cool this time around. When he first kills Dooku in the beginning of the film, he responds quite rationally. "I shouldn't have done that. He was an unarmed prisoner." And from there, Palpatine proceeds to further dilute his morality. His descent into evil is honest. He wants to save the one he loves. The dark side clouds everything. Even awareness of what one does, apparently. But think about it. Anakin really would find Padme worth the deaths of a hundred or so "younglings" (oh there's another flaw. They won't say he killed children, they need to use the "youngling" euphemism. laaaaame). Pay attention to his character as the story progresses. It's not the first time he's slaughtered a bunch of children (see also: tusken raiders).
The truth is, much of the evil that Anakin commits in this movie is stuff he's been waiting to do all along. He would definitely have done to the viceroy of the Trade Federation what he did after turning evil had he been given the chance in Episode II. Again, I say, refer to the tusken raider sequence in Episode II. Almost every question regarding Anakin's seemingly erratic behavior can be answered there. There's a bit more to it, such as betrayal, but I believe that Anakin liked Padme a whole lot more than Mace Windu, who was the physical embodiment of Anakin's conflict between his power and his youth, and the one person that made him feel insignificant.
As a fan of McGregor since Trainspotting, I believe this might be his most brilliant acting job yet. It seems as though most of the great lines in this movie were reserved for him and Palpatine. Obi-Wan is convincing and truly emotionally brilliant. His reaction to his pupil's change is so utterly real it's amazing that it actually happened in a Star Wars film.
And it's fantastic to watch where the evil emperor really came from, where the master/student bond between him and Vader really began. Watching those two work together was perhaps the greatest joy of seeing this film.
This movie ends on a down note that makes Empire look like Sesame Street. And it leaves you wanting more. And this time, you don't have to wait three years. You just have to watch the crappy remastered episode IV instead of the charming original. Too bad, but hey, at least Lucas went out with a hell of a bang. Not a flawless movie, but surprisingly, next to Empire, the second least flawed of all time, meaning the second best of the series. That's right, I said it. 10/10.