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slick_moon
Reviews
The Food of the Gods (1976)
Not even so bad it's good
I am glad I've seen this movie in the sense that survivors of disaster are often grateful for the life experience, but I felt the need to warn others who may be considering it.
I won't attack the acting as a movie this low budget often has to pull winos off the street, and I do make due allowance for the effects budget too, though there are some effects which are just inexcusable in a movie intended for release.
The famously bad giant chicken scene I'll gloss over, not just because it's famous but because the rest is much, much worse.
The most unforgivable effect is surely the "giant wasps" which are motionless, brown silhouettes of some sort of crushed insect, possibly a butterfly or moth, certainly not a wasp of any kind. Probably the same brightly coloured lepidoptera to which our hero points, as it perches on a jar of Food Of The Gods, and proclaims "wasps sure seem to love it" To be fair the giant rats are quite realistic, but they're actually too realistic in that they haven't been given exaggeratedly evil features, or even shot from an angle that makes them seem sinister as in The Unknown. The result is that they're just gosh darn cute, like being attacked by giant hamsters or gerbils. So when the head of one comes smashing through a door, the audience isn't inspired to jump, just to go "aaaw, hello!".
There's one point where they blow up a dam in an effort to drown the giant rats, even though real rats can swim because "giant rats with that weight won't be able to" this is true but it also unnecessarily raises the point that they wouldn't be able to move at all, and would probably break off their own feet. But what is far worse is that the "dam" they decide to blow up is in fact just a wall, hastily built across a small track which is not low enough to be even a very small river bed. And the wall is made of wooden planks. Yes wooden planks. Held together with nails. As a dam. To hold back water.
But the worst thing about this movie by far is the script. Expository dialogue is sadly common enough these days, but this writer attempts expository dialogue, without even actually explaining anything! Our hero: "How did you come to feed it to the livestock?" Farmer's Wife: "well when we realised it wasn't oil, there weren't nothing for it but to feed it to the animals" Audience: "WTF? so anything that isn't oil gets fed to the livestock on your farm? Pebbles? Children? Discos?" And then there's the inevitable attempt to come up with a group plan. Coward:"we can't stay here, I'm leaving, come with me" Girl "but we'll die and get eaten!" Coward: "have you got a better plan?" Girl "I guess not" Audience: "so you're going along with the plan of dying and getting eaten because you haven't got a better plan?"
I love low budget cheese, but seriously take my advice and just don't.
The Haunted House of Horror (1969)
Made no sense whatsoever
Right. Where to begin? Let's start with the title. Although it's not possible to prove the house wasn't haunted, there is no evidence to suggest that it might be, either in the script or actually on screen. But that's not the only thing that makes no sense. Not by a long chalk. Sure there are continuity errors, such as the outside shots filmed in daylight supposed to take place during the pitch dark night, but the worst incongruities are in the plotting. Nothing anybody does or says makes any sense whatsoever. From discussing complicity in a covered up murder while standing outside a police station, to the clichéd girl who "just can't stand to be in this old house" with all her friends, who therefore elects instead to walk alone across a dark forest and hitchhike from the road while dressed as a sci-fi hooker. All that said, if you're the sort of person who reacts to the sight of a policeman saying "I know we're supposed to be ogres, but I assure you we're not biting today" by thinking "WTF? Since when are ogres famed for biting?" you might just enjoy it on as many levels as I did.
Night of the Day of the Dawn of the Son of the Bride of the Return of the Terror (1991)
Turgid home-dubbed presumably unscripted "humour"
This was a good idea when Woody Allen had it, and made the very funny "What's Up Tiger Lilly?" by wiping the sound from and re-dubbing an old Chinese thriller. Unfortunately while Woody Allen is a comedic genius, this guy is not in the least bit funny. He couldn't even convince one other person to involve themselves as far as providing another voice. It's one thing some moron doing "humorous" voice overs during the movie for their own entertainment, but recording themselves for posterity is just suffering from delusions of adequacy. So how is it that this guy's turgid drivel has been distributed? Was it a mistake? Does this guy own Warner Brothers? Does his dad? Who knows? Who cares? Just don't ever see it. It's not just a waste of money either, don't even bother to download it from a file-share site. the five minutes you subject yourself to will be five minutes you won't get back.
The Pest (1997)
Unfunny and moronic vehicle for an irritating talentless idiot
This movie is just not at all funny. It's a vehicle to showcase the dubious talents of John Leguizamo, apparently the world's most irritating and least entertaining man. Like a Latino Chris Rock but without the shyness and self effacing humility. I actually watched this having been taken in by the favourable comment then shown on this site without hitting "search for other comments". In retrospect the reason for this individual's thorough enjoyment of The Pest is obvious from the terrible grammar, missing and multiple punctuation, and towards the end of the review, CAPITAL letters appearing in the MIDDLE of sentences for NO apparent REASON. An example of the film's humour: The star does a rap in the shower over the opening credits, involving various impressions. The longest of these is The Count from Sesame Street, counting his farts which he calls "stinkie pinkies" and making mock disgusted faces. If this sounds hilarious to you, then by all means YOU must see THIS MOVIE!!!!