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Reviews
The Alpinist (2021)
The single most beautiful thing in this film, isn't the mountains.
I admit to being a bovine witted, flea bitten and slightly closed minded human even on my best days, though I strive for better. This film, this blessed piece of cinematic, bliss-filled and agonizing story arc stopped my dead in my lofty tracks.
Not to sound too woke, or woke at all - it changed my mind, perhaps life.
It reminded me of what's important, what's holding us all together between snot and rigging tape. Marc wasn't born for the same world I live in and the film makers had to good sense to let this rare bird back into the infinite wilderness that is his mind.
Marc LeClerc isn't dead - he just rejoined the mountain he hailed from. He's alive in me - yep, I literally just said that. My life today, is better than it was yesterday - because I was lucky enough to see Marc express is boundless joy and love, for joy and love.
Endless thanks.
Me.
The Ex Next Door (2019)
Best comedy of 2022!
I laughed so hard my tits fell off which is a true story because I went to see my plastic guy for some new ones. IMDB is killing my impact statement saying I need to type more - won't make my tits grow back tho.
In a Valley of Violence (2016)
A film about a stunt dog with cowboys in a valley - plus drunk priest?
This film has some heavy hitters that almost guarantee excellence. The stunt, performing dog flatlined with it's 3rd trick into the film with the blanket roll. I mean come on - dogs that sleep in the desert don't use blankets.
I was thrilled when the dark, brooding lawperson turned out to be John Travolta - YES! I shouted with exclaimed inflection. This might just be a decent, albeit modern-day-vernacular-rooting-tooting western.
Yep then the 'Lassie' wannabe curled itself into a blanket after a belly rub.
So I decided to find out who it was that robbed me of my 32 minutes.
Ti West director, writer, cinematographer, actor, chef, Key-grip, Massage therapist and non-smiler guy did the whole lot! #MyAdvice
Pick a lane bro, do one thing very well rather than 23 things averagely.
Awkwafina Is Nora from Queens (2020)
So many virtues left to signal, so little time.
Dear Nora Lum - the wheel has already been invented and as such we cannot sit by and let a talent such as yours, be wasted like this - I mean c'mon!
If Alanis Morissette had here gene spliced with Ms Dynamite they'd produce this. It's off to a banging start, but so was Ben Johnson in 1988 whereby he quite literally demolished a staggering line up including Carl God Lewis. Don't hate for those in the know, know that Benjamin forgot to take the drugs to hide the drugs he was already taking.
That said, this effort dies partway through after being forced to swallow some cutting edge themes and topics that by midway, become old as heck.
I tried to close the large and at times. Cumbersome barn doors after the horse had bolted. I just felt like the right thing to do - it wasn't.
Lady you got mad skillz once you stop being mad at stuff.
Call the Experts (2020)
If a Corby trouser press was to........
If the Corby trouser press was to begin making television, then this would be it. Assuming the legendary motel implement was to take It's revenge upon the human race for decades of being ignored.
Alan Partridge used one in 1988, but that's it.
The Lost Treasure of the Grand Canyon (2008)
It's so bad it's.................
I have VHPT which is common among parents of 7 year old boys. VHPT or very high patience threshold is both a blessing and a curse. A blessing when it comes to trawling through a in the life of a bossy seven year old and curse when it comes to dividing your precious, limited and did I say precious time.
In the first three minutes of this film that was set in an era predating Nissan Patrols, I was staggered whilst two native Americans jogged effortlessly along what I can only assume (due to decades of Nissan Patrol off roading.)
I can only assume the director - Farhad Mann does not either suffer from VHPT threshold or have a demanding seven year old. Otherwise he would not have missed what is surely a contender for blooper of the decade.
It's asking me at the bottom does this contain spoilers? Nah, I reckon Farahd already did.
Come Out Fighting (2016)
If a dentist could pull the teeth in your mind, it'd be this film.
I can't let any unsuspecting viewers loose on this film without a 'heads up' much in the same way you'd tell people on the beach that there is a shark in the water.
This made my head, eyes, mind and soul hurt just after ten minutes.
Who on earth wrote the review? This is toilet, but not the good kind - the kind that you destroy at your friends house and the flusher doesn't work - it's beyond bad.
I'm sorry to the peeps who penned the amazing reviews, but next time invest in production, acting, casting instead of paying off people to review.
If a dentist could pull the teeth in your mind, it'd be this film, I ain't lying.
Workin' Moms (2017)
How do you............
I am in bewildered awe of Catherine Reitman whom has created some actual magic - not the Chris Angel type.
Workin Mums will make you question your own sensibilities as a human in today's society. Not only is it amazingly well written, the acting isn't half bad either. My credentials are Arrested development, trailer park boys and skins are all top ten for me.
Catherine didn't hit it out of the park, to wake up an overused metaphor - she hit it out of the state with Workin Mums.
If Catherine should find herself reading this, then please kiss your mum from me. #SheSavedTelevision
As balance in the universe can be at times.....off, I must review this series.
Angel (2015)
I'm a highly trained international spy - or I was until recently.
Sadly my career as courier to cheeky governments and well dressed spy, is over. I was thrust into a seat (Like I've been on many occasions In my career - perks of the job etc) while the enemy employ various means to try extract secrets I'm holding.
Well the chair, the heating turned off, a bit of water-boarding began then they tightened the straps ensuring I wasn't able to move and made me watch this film! I gave them everything, including my ultra secret fantasy for Sarah Palin dressed in a catsuit while reading Tolstoy to me.
This isn't a film - It's a torture technique. I hope my eyes will one day forgive me.