Matthew-Crowley Reviews

The Karate Kid (1984)

Worst hero of all time

[6/10 · 11 September 2012]

You're an awkward teenager moving to a new city with your single mother. Upon arrival you feel disheartened about leaving your friends behind but meet a chap the same age as you. He kindly invites you to a party on a beach that night. Being a new guy in town, it may be sensible to asses the lay-of-the-land. Who's who, and what is okay amongst your new peers. But no, you decide you to show your soccer skills and get your swerve on with the best looking girl there, because she's not likely to be seeing anyone, is she? When said girls double-hard boyfriend makes an appearance you attempt your home, self-taught karate on him. Alas, he's been trained by an evil Vietnam vet how to do evil karate and kicks you up and down the beach. All is not lost as you still have high school to fall back on. Sadly, on your first day you realise every one you alienated attends your new high school. But don't forget you're a whizz at soccer. Surely the school team will be the mark of the turn around for your fortunes. As you show your skills in the try-outs, by not passing to anyone at any point, you are tackled. A tough tackle but probably fair, in any case you've earned a free kick. A good opportunity to dust yourself down and show your competitive spirit. Or you can storm off shouting at all around you how their school "stinks" and "sucks".

Despite all of this, there are two rays of light at the end of the tunnel. Beautiful beach girl has warmed to your "charms". Also, a kindly old janitor is willing to give you the time of day. So, you maintain a somewhat upbeat demeanour, except for when your shouting at your mother about how everything "stinks" and "sucks". It's the school fancy dress party. The options are limitless, Elvis, a vampire, werewolf, Liberace, Richard Nixon you can be anyone you want to be. Curiously you want to be a shower. The costume is cumbersome to say the least but people don't know it's you and that works in your favour. Beach girl thinks your ccccrazy. Things are looking up. In the gents you notice double-hard evil karate bloke smoking evil drugs in a cubicle. Fair to say a quiet retreat is percentage play here. Once again you defy logic and drench him with water. A chase ensues, but luckily you're in your streamlined shower outfit. Double-hard evil karate bloke and his chums are all dressed as skeletons. Somehow they catch-up with you at a fence. The mother of all beatings begins. They're chanting something "mercy being for the weak", oh dear. Things are looking bleak until a shadowy figure fends them off.

Coming around from the battering you taken you are greeted by the janitor. To your shock it was he who saved you. Well, fortune is finally shining on you. Pushing your luck you ask him to come to the dojo of evil karate. Having fought in a war, struggled to make a life in a foreign land, barely learnt the language, and lost the love of his life, the old man, who just wants to tend to his bonsai trees, regretfully declines the request. Weighing up all that has happened, he's taught you how to prune bonsais, given you one of them, fixed your bike, saved your life and nursed you back to health and put up with your incessant whining, you could thank him and be on your way. Or Jump up shouting "thanks for nothing man, thanks for nothing". Against his better judgement the old guy goes with you to the Dojo. There the evil sensei mocks you and the old fella. Irritatingly, the old guy fails to get these guys off your back. Instead he enters you in a karate tournament. You suspect this is payback for being such a whining turd. The old guy has just guaranteed you'll have your ass handed to you except now it'll be in front of hundreds of people. You plead to him to teach you good karate. To which he agrees. However, he seems have misunderstood your plea for training. Instead he seems to have heard "Can I please redecorate your house and gardens?". You're not falling for it and after a week of humiliation you down tools. As you go to storm off, the words "stinks" and "sucks" forming on your lips as you do so, the crazy old geezer comes at you. You fend him off with rudimentary blocks. From somewhere you have developed the ability not to get hit.

As time goes by, you see less and less of the annoying woman who brought you into the world. Instead you spend all your time with the old man, who has no family or friends. This seems normal to you as you to struggle to make relationships. However, fit beach girl is still interested. Her friends try to sway her away from you but she's not having it. It's your birthday and the old guy gives you one of his 38 cars. Perfect. Now you can pick fit beach girl up and take her to the fair. All goes well. You even let her drive. When she questions this you deliver the flawless logic "Hey it's the 80's". Your training is moving on too. You balance on a pole on the beach and now you're ready.

The tournament plays out with predictability. Except for that eastern looking guy who clearly knew more martial arts than anyone else. I have a nostalgic fondness for this film but Larusso is such a terrible human being, he sucks all that's good from those around him.

Demolition Man (1993)

Demotion Man

[3/10 · 5 July 2006]

I'm assuming Stallones theory behind doing this film is that it can rival some of Arnies sci-fi's. I'm a fan of many Stallone films but this one was a huge disappointment. A star like Stallone can't afford to be doing such low grade films. Admitedly, he did come back in subsequent years with films such as 'Copland'.

I guess the let down for me was the way in which this fantasy of the future held back. A film set in a future which is based around tedium is, itself, going to be quite dull. Sandra Bullock is slightly irritating as the over-eager futuristic cop. Wesley Snipes does well as the bad guy. He's about the most entertaining thing in the film.

The problem with the film is the premise. Cryogenically freezing criminals doesn't seem like much of a solution to me. Also, there just simply isn't anything fantastical about this future. It's just all a bit boring really.

Grizzly Man (2005)

A tragic comedy

[8/10 · 3 July 2006]

'Grizzly Man' is a wonderful documentary by Werner Herzog. It is largely compiled of footage shot by Timothy Treadwell. This is a man who spent thirteen summers living with Bears out in the wild. Originally my thoughts of him were "brave man". However, as the film progresses you can't help but feel sorry for, what essentially is, a deluded, lost individual. His descent into drink and drugs resulted from being rejected as Woody in the show cheers. It's facts like this that had me laughing. Werner Herzog's voice also adds to the unintentional comedy. His death is sad, but the death of his mysterious girlfriend is even more tragic.

At times this feels like a Chris Morris 'Mockumentary' but there are some genuinely eerie scenes of Treadwell. A man we know comes to an horrific end. Despite how bizarre I found him to be, it's comforting that in his last act he tried to save the life of his girlfriend. There's something unnervingly inevitable about Timothy Treadwell.

The Lost Boys (1987)

I still believe

[8/10 · 30 June 2006]

To many the level of 80's campness is unpalatable. I am not one of these. Lost Boys is very much a product of it's time, and should be appreciated in such a way.

The story is of a family moving to a new town only to become embroiled in the plans of the local vampire gang. It really is as simple and silly as that. The soundtrack is wonderfully cheesy. The performances are exaggerated and overblown but it all adds to the fun of the fair.

This film is perfect for a summer evening. The Corey's are a solid addition to any 80's film. I still believe this is a great kids film and should be appreciated as such.

Fat Girl (2001)

A different kind of family film

[9/10 · 29 June 2006]

I was shocked and in awe of this film. I rated it as one of the best films of 2001. The plot revolves around the relationship of two french sisters, both of whom are teenagers. The underlying theme of the film is the perception of society toward beauty and acceptance.

There are moments where the attitude towards the larger sister, Anais, are hideous and hard to watch. This is juxtaposed with some wonderfully shot scenes. Most notably a scene on a beach where Anais tenderly sings to herself.

As the film comes to a shocking end it's important to remember the comments on societies ideas of happiness and beauty. Things should never be so shallow.

The Usual Suspects (1995)

A tremendously woven plot

[10/10 · 29 June 2006]

As film is a medium for telling stories, this film has the finest story translated to the medium of film. The film appears to be a nicely put together heist movie. Everything about it is strong and well produced. However, the twist ending is what makes what came before so impressive.

The cast is great and the dialogue is delivered with a sharpness that rarely seen in todays films. This is a film solely about the interaction of a small group of characters and wastes no time on superfluous information.

Watch it at least three times. I assure you there will be parts you missed in your first viewing. Enjoy being metaphorically slapped around your twice by a phenomenal finale.