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Sex Ed (2014)
"The Internet will teach you the wrong things about sex"
Yes. The Internet will teach you many wrong things about sex. And that is explained frequently in the movie. A movie that - oh, the irony - will teach you many wrong things about dating and courting.
The plot. Haley Joel Osment plays a loser who can't get the teaching job of his dreams. So, naturally, he invades the teaching recruitment office and demands the job. He is not escorted out by security, and gets assigned to a school in the Cuban part of Tampa. He decides to teach sex ed during detention. Cue the typical reaction from the kids, whom, by the way, seem to be of various ages in the same class. First they are confused, then they grow to love him. Feel your cliché meter going into red? What else do we need? Antagonist? Yes, let's have one of the kids' parents be a reverend, opposed to sexual education in school. Sage advice? Cue bar woman/landlady who knows all the ins and outs of life, love, sex, and being a man, and muscular "bro" former flatmate with a good heart. Love interest? Let's have the hottie sister of one of the students develop an interest in a guy that, erm, stutters and makes awkward, borderline creepy, talk the first time he sees her, gets invited to dinner at her family's house, and pukes on her mom's breast, invites her out the second after she says she and her cartoonish latino low-rider driving bad boy boyfriend are giving it time, plays her the oboe (yes, the oboe) badly to apologize for giving her brother condoms, and...you get the idea.
I know, we have seen it many times in movies. No matter how uncool, uncharismatic, downright dweebish, and speech-impeded a guy is, for some reason the hot girl will always react to his phrases with, at least, a giggle. But the interaction between Haley Joel Osment and Lorena Izzo had me shouting at the screen. He does absolutely nothing that would ingratiate any girl to him, let alone someone who is obviously attracted to the "cool" type. And to make it worse, when she basically implores him to have sex with her, at the end, we discover that she wants, "My Fair Lady"-style, to make him cool! So, you fell for the uncool, dadbod guy, and now you want to make him cool? I think someone's been DJing with your brain cells, Pilar!
And you know what? He doesn't want to have sex right there and then. No, of course not. He wants it to be "special". Reminds me of a friend of mine who used to always want the "perfect" moment, and passed on amazing chances. Only he regretted it afterwards, instead of turning into The Coolest Sex-Ed Teacher in The World! Ever! So, Lorena dumps him because he does not have sex with her? No matter, cause we see his new love interest in the last scene. Dropped with all the subtlety of 10000 elephants. And you're wondering what happened to the reverend? Can you say "Motivational Speech that changes his mind"? The only saving grace is that he did not have sex with the bar woman/landlady, as the "do it with an ugly woman" first.
Seriously, one of the worst films I have ever seen. And it should get an adults only rating. Because I pity the kids, or even young adults, who see it, and think this is the way to go about courting a woman. Jokes? What, were there any?
RocknRolla (2008)
Feed it to the Crayfish
It's not that I don't appreciate some of the work of Guy Ritchie. He had a nice start with Lock Stock And Two Smoking Barrels. And both Sherlock Holmes movies present an interesting twist on a famous character. Although I suspect the latter is more due to Robert Downey Jr.'s immense talent. Problem is, when he did Lock Stock..., it seemed like a harmless comedy. A bit of fun and capers at the expense of what Guy assumes is the "gangster lifestyle". After watching RockNRolla, you begin to suspect that this guy secretly wishes to have an army of Vinnie Joneses and Mark Strongs roughing up anyone who dares stand in his path of domination.
All the ingredients are in place. You have the old time cockney crime boss, played by Tom Wilkinson, and his trusted right hand man and enforcer, played by Mark Strong. You have Gerard Butler, Idris Elba and Tom Hardy as the small time crooks who call themselves The Wild Bunch. You have a Russian businessman/gangster wanting to invest in London property, and has no qualms in showing guys like Wilkinson that times have changed, and that they are no match for those yielding his type of power and money. Add a junkie rock and roll star (Toby Kebbell), playing another anachronistic Guy Ritchie fantasy. The Russians' accountant (Thandie Newton) who backstabs him thanks to her connections to The Wild Bunch, some enforcers, two American music promoters, and all you have to do is shake, stir them all together somehow, and you have another cocktail of "hilarious consequences", and someone's idea of glamorous/ruthless crime life ready to serve.
Sure, there is a plot involving a stolen painting. And a final twist where it turns out Tom Wilkinson is a police informer, resulting in death by crayfish at the hands of Mark Strong. But it all seems to take a backseat to a lot of jump cuts, exposition, violence, and attempts at humorous, witty quips. The people we care about don't get that honor because we like the cartoonish characters. Just cause we like the actors. Mark Strong is a menacing, strong presence, like he was in the first Sherlock Holmes. And Idris Elba is genuine class. Other than that, there are too many clichés, like Wilkinson. And Gerard Butler is a Poseur of the highest order (of course he has a sex scene with Newton that you can spot a mile away). Not to mention Toby Kebbell, as an insufferable, self-obsessed, profound statement spouting brat, who needed his tongue ripped out with red hot pliers.
In the end, you might think there is a hidden sub-plot/morality tale about criminal money being used to hike up the price of properties in London, and pricing other residents out. Or you would, if that was given more than 30 seconds at the start of the film. What you end up getting is a glimpse into someone else's adolescent fascination. Which, frankly, could do with a little dose of subtlety, taste, and proper characterization.
The Drop (2014)
Use. Dispose. Move On.
Imagine a Rocky Balboa in Rockys I and II that they don't even try and make sympathetic in his mumbling, inexpressive, "are the lights on?", church-going, barely leaves the neighborhood guy, with some shady dealings going on. That's pretty much Tom Hardy, except there is no rags-to-riches tale here, and no attempt at showing "The good nature" underneath. He pretty much has the same blank expression and awkward social interactions with Noomi Rapace throughout the movie. Noomi plays the Eastern European woman he meets after rescuing a dog from her garbage can, whom, obviously, warms up to him, despite him having the charisma and social skills of your average glass paperweight. He asks her if she's named Nadia "after the gymnast". How would he even have known about Nadia Comaneci is beyond me, since it seems he cares about events outside his neighborhood as much as he does about quantum physics.
Anyway, he works in a bar for his cousin (James Gandolfini), which has been taken over by Chechnyen mafioso. The bar gets robbed, they get threatened, and then all virtually takes a back seat to the Hardy-Noomi-Dog-Crazy ex-BF who claims the dog is his plot. The only reason you really care, especially if, like me, you dread any show of animal cruelty in a movie. You find out early on that James was involved in the robbery, and is plotting to rob the Chechnyens further. He is not the main character, and the way he is portrayed makes you can guess how he's going to end up soon in the movie. Even if it happens in a somewhat contrived way.
The final twist, where we learn that Hardy is really a tough guy, and was responsible for killing the guy Noomi's ex-BF took the credit for, and disposed of the body, is hinted at by Gandolfini, so you know the revelation of his "toughness" is coming sooner or later. The dog is safe, Hardy gets the bar management from the Chechnyens, the cop detective know Hardy is a killer but is powerless because he has no evidence,Noomi can live with the fact he shot a guy in front of her, and the movie ends without any real impact in anyone's life. I'm not going to say Never Watch, but only if there's nothing else on TV
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009)
Remove all we loved...
Disclaimer: Transformers are my favorite cartoon of all time. Disclaimer 2: I always rooted for the Decepticons.
There. That's that out of the way. Now, why is this so bad? Most people already mentioned the awful dialogue, jokes, plot, acting, etc. So I will just focus on a different thing. Michael Bay took away ALL we loved about the Transformers. The original TFs were a group of badass giant robots, yes. But they ALL had a personality, a look, a distinguishing feature. Let's stay within Decepticon confines. Starscream's jealousy of Megatron, Soundwave's loyalty and dryness, Skywarp's teleport, Rumble and Frenzy's punk kids behaviour, Dirge's mean streak, Blitzwing's love of his own firepower, the Insecticons, the Constructicons, Astrotrain, Reflector, Thundercracker, Laserbeak, etc, etc. And you could TELL THEM APART. Here they are just expendable masses of twisted metal. That - even worse - are easily defeated by human troops. As far as I could remember, Decepticons always had the upper hand in these exchanges.
I watched this movie on a night-in with some friends. I want to kill M. Bay by the time it was over. Avoid it like the plague and keep your love for the original TFs safe and sound.
Juno (2007)
Most Annoying Person Ever
Want to make me hate you? Diss one of the best bands ever (Sonic Youth) as "just noise", and finish the movie singing a "romantic" song by one of the most infantile, cutesy-wootsy-twee, bland "indie-schmindie" folksters ever (Kimya Dawson). Unfortunately, that's not an exception, but the icing on the cake. Newsflash, Ms. Juno: You are not witty. You are not clever. You are not hip. You are not "smart beyond your years". You are an annoying, self-important, self-obsessed, callous, mannerism- ridden, overtly verbose little twerp! The kind whose traits I would mock with my friends when you are not around. But after seeing Ellen Page acting the exact same way in a Woody Allen movie, I realize that must be her default setting. Again, I'm as left-of-center as you can wish for in a lot of artistic tastes. Only this is just everything that is wrong with "mainstream indie" filmmaking. Somebody please just tape her mouth!
Before Sunrise (1995)
Spare us the torture
Do we really, really need to watch what is essentially a guy trying to pull a girl for 90 minutes? If that is a good premise for a movie, put a hidden camera in a bar, and maybe you will watch something more realistic, entertaining, and even hilarious than this "romantic" claptrap. What this teaches you is that as long as you can fill up conversation with meaningless, pseudo-profound babble, the girl will get - like - really impressed, and end up - surprise - frolicking with you in a park by night. I mean, it's OK. People, young people, travel on Interrails and have encounters. We get that. But they are treated as the meaningless sexual encounters they are. Not bloated up to look as if they are The! Most! Romantic! Thing! Ever!
Funny thing. I know several girls who DO find it incredibly romantic. Would these girls ever dream of spending the day in a foreign town with a stranger they just met? Especially if he had the same verbal skills as "Jesse", but none of the looks. Would they f... Hypocrisy at its best.