pokedom Reviews

Once Upon a Time... in Hollywood (2019)

The one thing this sublimely directed film is missing is, well, direction

[7/10 · 28 July 2019]

First Tarantino movie, oh boy. My plan was to watch Pulp Fiction before going into this but I ran out of time. Doesn't matter however. Once Upon a Time in Hollywood will not be immune to common flaws Tarantino films may or may not have over the years of their production. That being said, I enjoyed this movie and think the positives outweigh the negatives, despite the negatives being pretty damning from my perspective.

I understand that not everyone is going to have the same experience as I did, and that's fine. I almost don't want to use my bullet point format now, seeing as this one needs more than a sentence or two per point to explain how I felt about certain things. I will also be marking this as containing spoilers against the will of Mr. Director, because some stuff I have problems with happens at the cost of explaining the plot. We'll start with said stuff.

* Margot Robbie, also known as Sharron Tate, has absolutely zero impact on the plot whatsoever. We keep cutting to her like she's important, but nothing she does influences anything. I get now that I've done my research that this is somewhat based on the real life events of her death. But this movie doesn't do that. The ending is amazing, but she doesn't die like in real life. We have scenes of her sitting in a theater. We have scenes of her dancing to music. Neither of which influence her character, neither of which are even setup to the climax. She's just nothing.

* This segways into my other big issue: It's too long! This movie did not need to be 3 hours long, at all. Half the movie is just filler! Entertaining filler? Sometimes. Well directed filler, absolutely. But filler nonetheless. You could have easily cut the movie down by at least half the runtime. Cut Margot Robbie, cut the multitude of driving or dancing sequences, cut the subplots that go nowhere, and you'd have a tighter movie. Because for chunks of the movie the plot is meandering and meaningless, and the nearly 3 hour runtime begins to feel like a full day.

* Sloppy narration. It's not only inconsistent, as it only happens during the first 10 minutes and last half hour, it's just explaining what we already see happening on the screen. Apparently this is a trope of his. Oh boy.

Those are my seriously major issues. However, for as much as I dislike those aspects, this movie has some seriously amazing things.

* Fantastic direction. Despite the plot and events having zero real direction for half the movie, the camerawork, the way Tarantino made the movie, is so dang good. Long shots, well edited sequences, the acting, lord it's so good. I'd recommend this movie based on that alone.

* Fantastic production design. The sets, the lighting, the costumes are just... mmph! So good.

* Leonardo was great. He really immersed themselves in his roles within roles, and he gives probably one of the best performances of the year. Brad was really good as well, I love the intrigue behind his character and he has easily the best scenes in the movie.

* When the plot wants to do something interesting, I was on the edge of my seat. The abandoned Western set sequence was uncomfortable in all the best ways.

* The climax is just amazing. Did we really need to sit through 2 and half hours of not so needed stuff to see it? No. Was it worth it? Yes. It's so satisfying. The gore, the reincorporation, the dog?

* Brad Pitt pets the dog. +1 star.

Bottom Line: Does this movie work? Yes. It could have stood to be cut and given some characters something to do. But overall it's a damn interesting movie. I'd still recommend it regardless of my problems with it.

Toy Story 4 (2019)

Pixar makes another movie

[6/10 · 24 June 2019]

There's nothing inherently wrong with making sequels. If you've got a great idea and a story to tell that feels natural, good on you. Make your sequel. Some of my favorite movies are sequels. Terminator 2 and The Dark Knight are two big ones that influence me even today. You know why? Because those films are awesome! They expand on the universe set up from the previous film, they add new creative elements, and they don't retread the same things they've already done.

Conversely, some of my least favorite movies are sequels. Movies I think have ruined the original in some way, or not done enough to make the series better. Or sequels that didn't need to exist. This was always my fear with Toy Story 4, the feeling that it didn't need to exist, especially with the powerful ending of Toy Story 3, plus the mini side stories in the form of TV specials.

I did still like this movie, which is a testament to the quality of Pixar. They know how to make something pretty regardless of actual quality. However Toy Story 4 does some pretty good stuff that I wasn't expecting. We'll work through positives first.

• Fantastic animation. Pixar has really mastered their craft with this movie. The designs of the characters are great and even the sets the movie runs around in are fantastic. From the rainy outside to the dusty corners of an antique shop to a vibrant fairground, the movie vigorously sweats to keep itself looking visually stunning.

• Great editing. Editing and cinematography are usually pretty easy to do in animated films, however Toy Story 4 surprised me in visual style beyond just animation. The film is very well edited, with scenes smoothly flowing from one shot to the next. The opening credits sequence is the prime example.

• I loved Forky. The fact that the film made me care for a sentient spork with googly eyes is a victory. His growth and how he interacts with Woody is great. It's also a win for Woody's character, how he passes down all of his knowledge as the veteran favorite toy down to Forky. My absolute favorite scene by far is just the simple exchange of information on the walk on the road between the two.

• Gabby Gabby was great as well. You at first find the whole premise of her character creepy and you grow to care for her over time (Shining music was a nice touch). A reverse Lotso, and a way better one at that.

• Bo was alright. Definitely was fine with how her character was treated, felt like something she would do. A lot more spunk than she previously had however, felt a little jarring but I adjusted.

• Bunny and Ducky are great sometimes and not great others. At least they're funny. Keanu Reaves was also very funny. I know his character's name is Rex Kaboom but if we're being honest it's Keanu Reaves's action figure, let's stop kidding ourselves.

• I was definitely fine with the ending. Nothing ground breaking and definitely not as good as Toy Story 3's ending, nor is it more definitive. I do like how it ended however, it felt natural enough.

Time for the negatives.

• My biggest fear for this movie was confirmed after I sat back for a couple days and thought about it. The movie has almost nothing new to offer audiences. The majority of plot points and core themes/ideas this movie has have been recycled from the previous films. Lost toys, growing up, leaving the past behind, toys without owners, the joys of being played with, and the nobility of toys. All have been thoroughly explored in each movie before. I would be fine if the movie felt pointless but had something new to offer. Instead it just felt utterly pointless.

• Buzz was absolutely butchered in this movie. Buzz has never been as dumb and as illogical as he is in this movie. One of the most powerful moments in this series for me at least was between Buzz and Woody in Al's Apartment in the second movie. It conveyed how he had grown since the first film, and what he knows now is right for toys. In this movie he just presses a button on his chest to figure out what to do next. He went from arguably a better character than Woody at times to a complete doofus.

• In addition, the rest of the gang was barely in the movie. The fact that Jesse has barely anything to do is a dang shame. You could have cut her and even everyone else and barely anything would have changed.

• I don't understand why Pixar sequels feel the need to reuse their old score. I had this issue with Cars 3, I had this issue with Incredibles 2 (lesser however, not as often), and I have an issue with it here. The amount of times this movie reuses the old tunes from the previous films is almost comical.

• The "oh no I forgot something" thing Bonnie did got really annoying after a while. Felt like a lazy way to keep the plot moving. Also the "where's (insert toy name here)" got irritating, as it'd usually disappear for a second, get thrown back into view the next, they just turn back and see it. It got lazy.

TL;DR: It is absolutely a testament to the talent behind Pixar that they managed to make a movie that is utterly pointless to existing still be a good movie. I will have my faults with it, and you will never catch me saying "oh yeah, this series didn't really end at 3". 3 ended the series. 4 is a nice idea to end the series, but the definitive ending will always be 3. It's simply too perfect an ending.

Holey Moley (2019– )

Holy moly this is atrocious

[2/10 · 21 June 2019]

The episode just ended where I am. I understand that it was just the first of 10 (how the hell did it get that much money?), but I sincerely doubt it's gonna get many more views from me.

I have fond memories of watching Wipeout when that was still a thing. They murdered that show and then advertised this monstrosity as a "replacement", or as a "love letter to fans". I'm gonna put it nicely. I would rather watch the most boring, bland, unfunny, obviously rigged episode of that show 100 times more than this boring, bland, unfunny, obviously rigged show.

• It was so unfunny. The casters have absolutely no charisma, no gusto, just lame golf jokes.

• I want to see people play mini golf. Instead I saw a 5 second montage. In fact I saw not one, not two, not even three! I counted four 5 second montages. You had plenty of time to actually show the golfing. You instead sold the time to advertisers. I counted at least 10 (10!!!!!) commercial breaks.

• They hired these people off the streets and put them in costumes. Those definitely aren't their real names. Those definitely aren't their real personalities. It was so rigged I guessed who one solely off the fact that her "backstory" was the most realistic out of all these buffoons.

• Rigged! I call rigged so hard! There is no way these talented mini golfers missed a nearly point blank shot, not once, not even twice, but THREE TIMES in the final round to give grandpa girl the tie! AND THEN PROCEED TO MISS AGAIN! It was so obvious and unbelievable and it sucked!

I know this is way shorter than my normal reviews but honestly there's nothing to say about this show. It was just a boring waste of my time and life with nothing redeeming about it. Just rewatch Wipeout. Hopefully they cancel this garbage and bring that show back.

Pokémon: Detective Pikachu (2019)

Hey You Pikachu 2

[3/10 · 13 June 2019]

I love Pokemon. Grown up with it, still play it today, seen some of the anime movies. It's a great franchise. However this was not a great movie. I put aside all my biases towards the series and went into this movie with an open mind, and I just didn't enjoy it like I wanted to.

It wasn't the worst thing in the universe however, as I did find things to like about the movie. We'll list them off first.

+ All of the CG was incredibly good looking. I heard about how they hired the guy who drew concepts for "realistic" Pokemon and you can tell he had a heavy influence on the designs for the creatures. But it never looked composited onto a green screen or in the middle of the scene in any jarring way. It looked extremely natural.

+ Ryan Reynolds does his best with the lines he's given. My absolute favorite part of the movie is when he's crying while singing the iconic theme song to the Pokemon anime. It was so great. And he really sells his role as a Pikachu. Insert Deadpool here. However when he's actually on screen in his human form he's less than desirable.

Those are the two main points to enjoying the film. Do you like great effects and Ryan Reynolds? You will like this movie unless all this other stuff that bothered me as well weighs down on you.

• The story was so predictable I guessed everything that was going to happen before the movie started. I managed to avoid spoilers but it honestly didn't even matter. I knew that Pikachu was actually his dad. I knew that jerk from Edgar Wright's Cornetto trilogy was the old British bad guy. I knew Mewtwo was a red herring. I knew Ditto was that lady in the pink. It was so obvious but the movie honestly acts like it's smarter than the audience. "Haha the guy who looks like a bad guy and talks about the next evolution of the species is actually the bad guy the whole time! We pulled a sneaky on you haha!"

• The acting outside of Ryan and maybe the old British bad guy was really bad. Our lead has absolutely no charisma. His reporter sidekick was so bad. The son of the old British bad guy was lame. The head of the police department got typecast into this movie and he doesn't fit the role whatsoever, and his acting is just so bad too.

• I have to blame the script here for both of those problems. To put it nicely, who wrote this garbage? The dialogue is so bad, I can't even blame the actors, they have nothing to work with! The plot is dumb, the characters are written one dimensional as all hell, nothing about this works. It needed another rewrite to stay afloat.

• Outside of the great CG, this film is a technical flop. The cinematography was not very good, with no special style or effort put into it. At multiple points the shots changed focus long before it was needed. Like we'll be looking at some Pokemon, then the shot will blur for a second or two, then it'll pan to our lead who is in focus. There was nothing special about its editing either. At times like in the underground fighting ring the editing was really poor. I want to see Blastoise vs Gengar dammit! Stop cutting away! Critical hit! Additional damageeeeee!

• I didn't like the soundtrack. It was trying too hard to sound like the original game's soundtrack with its digital sounds, and ended up sounding tacky.

• You can tell Ryan Reynolds wasn't paid very much to be in the movie, to the point where it's comical. He was on set for maybe a day, and when they didn't have him for flashback scenes they used a body double that looks nothing like him. I know this because it's the same guy Ditto transforms into when we see it the first time. The exact same build, black beanie and all, and it doesn't match Ryan's likeness.

Overall this film wasn't the best thing ever, and given the opportunity I'd rather rewatch an older Pokemon movie. Something like Pokemon 4ever. That one isn't the best, but it's better than this. If you like seeing your favorite creatures come to life in a great way, or if you like Ryan Reynolds in everything he's in, you can get a kick out of this one. I just look for more than those two things in movies.

Shazam! (2019)

DC's comeback starts right now

[7/10 · 6 April 2019]

I have been heavily critical of DCEU movies since BvS. No one defends BvS anymore so lemme just skip ahead to the present day. I walked into Shazam expecting Aquaman 2. I got something so, so much better. Shazam is a good superhero movie to add to the ever growing batch of good superhero movies.

Please note that while I did generally enjoy this movie, I did find things to criticize that were indeed a hindrance to my movie going experience. I'll list the positives first, then I'll get into honest criticisms that don't paint me like some Marvel fanboy or some superhero fatigue'd fool. I'm not either of those things - I just like good movies. DC made a good movie. Get off my back.

* There's some really funny stuff in this movie. So much humor is actually well written and funny. People call this movie like Big but with superpowers, and that's not entirely false.

* There are actually jokes and fun things in the background of scenes! Too often we see films using the empty spaces of shots as just a way to throw in advertisements. There are multiple times where I caught something funny behind the main point of action in shots, and those are always the most satisfying moments in all of film.

* Zachary Levi does a great job as Shazam, he really nails the role of an adolescent trapped in a grown dude's body. All of his mannerisms and even small things like the way he talks, it feels like he was perfectly cast.

* The journey of Shazam learning to become a hero was very engaging. I love how he just wants to show off how cool he is instead of learning how to help people, that's exactly what anyone with these god-given powers would do and you know it.

* I really enjoyed the themes of family and how it's so important, without it being shoved in your face the whole movie. The themes of how power is a dangerous substance in the wrong hands or the unknowing hands is also pretty interesting to observe throughout the runtime.

* The color pallet was very appealing. Most of the cool stuff is at night but it still looks great, everything pops out to the eye. Bright costumes really help as well.

* Even though I predicted the film's climax perfectly within the first half hour of the movie, that didn't ruin how cool the climax was for me. It's a pretty good action scene, I wish it had a little more style to it but I liked it overall.

* Without the backstory, the villain is awesome. His costume is very cool looking, and he sicks the seven deadly sins on people! That's so evil!

Negatives now.

* The villain including the backstory and context is trash. He's just a bratty manchild who wants something only for the reason someone said "no" to him as a kid. What was he even going to do with the power of Shazam? He never explains his motives other than "I was a good boy (except when I was in front of him but I'm just going to act like I've always been an angel) and he said no... I'll show him..." I guess he's corrupted by the sins into wanting it? Doesn't show that much.

* This movie needed more of a look to it. The color pallet is nice, but the cinematography was fairly flat and at times the editing was extremely and noticeably poor. The YouTube montage was so poorly edited it kinda hurt me. Like, even I, a guy with primarily WeVideo experience, could have done better here.

* Music was either another selection of pop music a la Suicide Squad or boring and forgettable score. If Shazam had theme music on the level of Doctor Strange, which isn't even that hard of a level to hit mind you, I'd love it more.

* Child actors! Oh do I love kids who can't act convincingly when in mortal peril. Hey at least the gamer kid's Hadoken reference later in the movie made sense, pity points for a good chuckle (even though it wasn't even him saying it, but it was the same character so it kinda counts). Everyone else was pretty bad.

* Shazam does the floss. Instant -1 star.

TL;DR: So the DCEU did finally knock one pretty far into the infield. However they've still got a ways to go before I can claim it's a home run. I will admit that they don't even have to hit the ball much harder to get there, everything they need is finally here and all they really need more of is style. I will likely see this again very soon.

The Lego Movie 2: The Second Part (2019)

Still feeling for inanimate yellow bricks five years later

[7/10 · 16 February 2019]

The first Lego Movie was definitely a great movie, and I'm kinda surprised it took 5 years to make a sequel, especially after the cliffhanger the first movie ended on. In the 5 year gap, we got Lego Batman and Lego Ninjago. To me, this proves that this style can definitely be hit or miss, with Lego Batman being a good hit, and Lego Ninjago being a solid miss. Lego Movie 2 is a great bounce back and proves this kind of film has staying power.

I made a prediction a few hours before seeing the movie, expecting it to go a certain way. I'm proud to announce I was totally off the mark and this movie does a great job subverting expectations. I'll reveal at the end what my prediction was.

* The animation once again is amazing. The creative lengths taken to make everything look like it was made brick by brick is very very impressive, even though this is our fourth time seeing it in five years.

* Every character has an arc and something to do. No one is ever forgotten about or left in the dust (wink). It's interesting to compare how the characters are from the beginning of the film to the end of the film, and how they represent certain things.

* The story is creative and clever. There are a great many twists and turns that I was not expecting at all that made it even more enjoyable. It looks to go one way and actually goes the other multiple times.

* The movie doesn't rely on callbacks to the first movie to hold it up, and is instead interested in doing something new and different. That was my biggest fear going in, that this would somehow just be the first movie again. It's not! Hooray!

* This movie is super funny. The banter is great and the writing is extremely witty. I don't laugh a ton watching movies, usually I laugh the most at background jokes that aren't intended to be a big laugh. This stuff was really really funny. Highlights include Marvel not returning their calls and Bruce Willis living in the air ducts.

* The message and moral of the movie at the end is extremely well done. The message itself tugs at the heartstrings and the way it's delivered is wonderful. It might take some more viewings to let it sink in, similar to the first movie's unexpectedly beautiful ending.

* Negatives now, as no movie is without flaw. This is kind of a "I am me" problem, but I was on my guard the whole movie. I was just waiting for that moment where the story of the kids and the story of the Lego collided and intertwined, as the first movie had conditioned me to do. Once it did a certain thing and said a certain word in a certain way I kinda figured the rest of the movie out. Mind you I was still entertained and enjoying it after I figured it out, but it was still kinda a problem.

* I did not like the soundtrack. It's basically the same thing as the Teen Titans Go Movie soundtrack, where it's literal and comedic. Problem is while there's an odd lyric here or there that is comedic, it's overall not funny. And that song designed to get stuck inside your head is 1. annoying 2. still isn't stuck inside my head.

* Rex Dangervest was a ton of fun and a great surprise. However they missed a couple opportunities with him. The first is stitching his dialogue together with other Chris Pratt voice clips... okay, while that's not at all necessary that would have been pretty funny, seeing as how he's based off of other Chris Pratt characters. Second they really could have made him the product of Emmet's mind. Emmet jokes about making sure he's really there, but it would have been so much funnier if he wasn't.

* Batman does the floss. Instant -1 star.

TL;DR: This movie is really fun and enjoyable. I really recommend watching this movie while it's still in theaters. While not as good as the first one, it maintains the heart and fun of it while adding new things and feeling like a wonderful continuation.

My original prediction: The moral would be that life doesn't always have happy endings. There will always be some form of conflict and you can't realistically always get that perfect ending. Life isn't a fairy tale, sometimes life just sucks and you just have to deal with it. I thought that this theme would tie into the sister trying to create some perfect world of Lego with no conflict, and this was going to be a coverup for the death of some family member that the brother would be dealing with using his Lego, and in the end they make up and learn to deal with it. I guess that was slightly too adult and slightly too similar to the first movie (both want a "perfect" world), so I'm happy with how the story went instead, and how it deals with growing up, the dark side of puberty, and sibling conflicts.

A Series of Unfortunate Events (2017–2019)

Better than the movie, worse than everything else

[6/10 · 5 January 2019]

A Series of Unfortunate Events has been my favorite book series since... third grade? You bet your ass I was ready to binge the hell out of this series. This series means something very near and dear to me. I've read the whole series front to back and out of order multiple times. I've read the Unauthorized Autobiography, 13 Suspicious Incidents, and All The Wrong Questions. I even got The Beatrice Letters, which is a direct sequel to Book 13. And now that I am here at The End of this show... I'm not sure how to feel. It gets a lot right. I'm generally leaving this show behind with a positive feeling. HOWEVER! Many things are just plain wrong, and I was constantly switching my emotions. I think that's actually a positive given how the series goes.

I'll be highlighting the highs and lows of all 3 seasons wrapped into one. I think if I had to rate every episode I'll do it after a rewatch, if I do get around to a rewatch... after I finish The Office.

* I love love love love LOVE the visual style of this show. It's shot well for the most part and has a unique and fitting color pallet. The set design was also wonderful. At this shows best, I thought I was watching something by Tim Burton or Wes Anderson.

* I like all of the characters. Our three protagonists are likable and clever, our villain is dastardly, and all the side characters are fun in their own ways. Not to mention they don't step on each other's toes, everyone is distinct.

* This show is *the* authentic Lemony Snicket experience. They did such a great job (for the most part) translating the pages to the screen that it's impressive.

* To complement this, I'm more than okay with narration taken straight from the pages. It actually fits and has significance in the story. I didn't realize I wanted to memorize the "in the dark" monologue... but I do now.

* Small changes were made here and there to further adapt this story to the screen. Major plot points and revelations that have been kept secret across the many, MANY pages of this series have been revealed for the sake of a more coherent and plot-driven story. Side characters that show up for a book or two are given bigger roles across more episodes, or are given personality overhauls. While not every change is for the best (a couple of them REALLY irk me), I generally agree with this decision.

* The best actor in the show, Neil Patrick Harrison, plays one of the best characters, Count Olaf. I really enjoyed all of his time on screen, but I will admit the more he was on the less I like him. Until The End at least. Now if only the rest of the characters got his acting talent as well...

* Oh my god, who hired these people?! A lot of the acting is just plain awful. The Baudelaires speed talk everything for 3 seasons straight and are never once told to slow down. Characters have extremely unconvincing reactions to extremely large moments. There's one moment in The End where you would want the characters to be bawling at. It nearly had me bawling! But it's skimmed over and cut loose without any of the emotion I would have loved seeing.

* "In photographs and every public place; Snicket never shows his face". The movie sucked, but Snicket was just a narration. Even when we saw the physical guy his head was covered. Here they were just like "I'm gonna pretend like I didn't see that". The narration alone was fine! Don't show us the guy!

* This show gives away a lot of mysteries die hard fans have been trying to figure out the whole series. I can say some buzz words and any fan will give me their theories. Poison Darts. Sugar Bowl. All shown in plain truth in front of us. While I agree with this, some things are best left as mysteries.

* Additions and subtractions were made for the worse here and there throughout the show. The plot isn't exactly a cut and paste copy, which is fine, but in a way, it would have absolutely worked better if it was. Because what was added is just... bad... and what was taken out was somewhat crucial for the plot to work.

* All of the comedy falls flat. Every now and again there's a very small something that works, but not enough to justify it. Some jokes work much better in writing than on screen.

* I wanna criticize the effects, but that just doesn't seem fair. This show I presume doesn't have that large a budget, and I would guess they didn't have the biggest team to work on the effects. So complaining about the stray green screen or the really bad CGI seems like small potatoes in comparison to everything else wrong.

TL;DR, I think I will always have a soft spot for this show. I'm glad someone finally got something right with adapting the Baudelaires to the big screen, even if not everything is right. This show is for die hard fans and fans of melodramas, but I would not recommend for a casual "jump-in" viewing. This show needs some context from the books to understand fully. But still, don't Look Away from this one!

Aquaman (2018)

Alright who peed in the ocean?

[3/10 · 21 December 2018]

While I can tell that an effort was made to make this movie good, Aquaman still reeks of untapped potential, completely goofy and dumb moments, and all the cheese you've come to expect from the DCEU. I went in open minded, as I had heard good things about this movie. I left pretty disappointed, and even kinda baffled. They thought this was enough to redeem the cinematic universe? It isn't.

We'll start with the cons and then work our way to the pros. If a movie has more pros than cons I start with those first, but more cons than pros I go with cons first. There's a lot to wade through, so bear with me.

* Horrific overcompensation of the character of Aquaman. With powers as lame on paper as "can breathe underwater" and "can talk to fish", they tried making him an utterly unstoppable beast with as many muscles as possible. "He can chug a whole glass in a second!" "He doesn't even flinch at bullets!" "He can bend steel!" Am I describing Aquaman or a mad science experiment with a heavy emphasis on drinking? The dude is completely invincible except for when the script needs him to be weak, like when he's fighting his brother in the first act and gets his butt handed to him.

* Awful effects. I swear half the sea creatures are missing frames of animation. Anything that was designed for the movie looks just plain ugly. For a movie mostly set underwater you would think it would be more magical than what I'm seeing here. Seeing characters float around and interact with each other underwater also comes with an awful microphone effect. I get its underwater but it sounds broken. Also really bad green-screen. It sticks out a lot and you can tell at all times.

* Boring as hell. People sitting near me were taking naps and not missing anything. Interspersed with the action and effects are, at minimum, 20 minute scenes consisting of underwater politics and Aquaman talking with his red haired lady friend. Nothing is achieved with these scenes. Sometimes its plot relevant but most of the time it really isn't.

* BAAAAAAAAD soundtrack. Whoever gave Pitbull and Rhea the green light to ruin Africa by Toto should be thrown into the trench with Aquaman's mom, then we should throw Pitbull in there too. The rest is that mystical "wow look at this scenery" music, thrown in with synth ripped straight from Thor Ragnarok and other bland music similar to Pitbull. Seriously no one likes Pitbull. He's a joke in the music industry and he shouldn't be allowed near movies ever.

* Speaking of Ragnarok, this movie is trying really really hard to be Ragnarok. A strong man who thinks he's got it all has to learn how to be a leader after being exiled by a relative bent on conquering all that is. Wow that's the same exact plot description as Ragnarok. On top of the half synth soundtrack and reliance on CG I just felt like I was watching, and forgive me for this, a watered down Ragnarok.

* The twists and turns this movie goes through don't add up to much, and you can see them coming from the horizon.

* When the action works, it works. When it doesn't, it really doesn't. Stop getting fancy with the camera! The first two action scenes are great. They don't move the camera much, hell the first one is a one-take. Oceanmaster vs Aquaman in the first act was awful. There's this moment where the camera zooms out to them being little specks on a statue, and you can barely see what's going on. I don't care about the statue, I care about the two men with pointy sticks! Is it because they're fighting over something bigger than themselves? Just keep the action on them, their actions speak much louder symbolically than the statue. Black Manta vs Aquaman was also lame, Oceanic Warfare in the third act was just baffling, and the rematch at the end was also lame. Why is it so inconsistent? You had it right the first time!

* Costume design was just plain goofy. The Aquaman suit looks super dumb. The Oceanmaster suit looks like LEGO. Black Manta's suit looks simply idiotic in broad daylight, and of course that's the only time they use it. Atlanticops (the police people in the red and white suits from Atlantis) all look stupid.

* Positives now. Like I said the first two action scenes are great. One takes will always make me happy in any movie, and one take action scenes are very impressive. The second scene where Aquaman is taking out the pirates is also great. Even though its just more Aquaman compensation, the sound design and close quarters action makes this look and feel brutal.

* Black Manta, as a character, is great. Easily the best thing about the movie. It's dumb that the first thing he does with Atlantis technology is vandalize it, but other than that he's awesome. Reminds me a lot of Killmonger, who was also one of the better things about the movie he was in.

* I'm happy that Aquaman isn't just given all the strength in the world right away. He's really strong but he still has room to grow, and needs to learn new things to get an edge on people that have been waiting for this moment for years and years.

* I think that's it.

TL;DR, this movie is bad and isn't worth your time. DCEU has done nothing but disappoint for... what, 5 movies now? Of course they won't die, we've been saying "DC's goose is cooked!" since Suicide Squad and nothing has changed. So just keep away and let the tide pull this one out to sea.

Robin Hood (2018)

Avoid at all costs

[1/10 · 21 November 2018]

I'm in a weird situation here. It is currently the night before this movie's release, 11/20. However, I was lucky enough to watch this yesterday night, 11/19. The reviewing embargo was still up when I got home, and was up this afternoon as well. This is the earliest I can alert the public about what I saw.

What I watched was an absolute train-wreck. I'm confident in my position as declaring this the worst movie of 2018.

I can't really structure this review like my others, because it's been 24 hours and I've already forgotten half the movie. So allow me to just run through some bullet points so you can see my stance, and not fall into the same trap as me. I had free popcorn, optimal seating, and a seat warmer. I had a terrible time.

* No character goes through any arc. Everyone feels the same by the end of the movie as they do at the start, which might seem crazy as they set up Robin Hood as some rich guy. But his "heart of gold", his attitude, his outlook on life, barely changes throughout the runtime. He never really flaunted his wealth, heck he inherited his castle, and he got drafted into the army regardless. He didn't even fight back against that.

* Quick cutting action scenes! Oh do I love action sequences where I can't tell what's going on. Man I love it when they show the same thing in 3 quick cuts that give you a headache.

* Bland sound design. People getting shot with arrows doesn't sound like people getting shot with arrows. It sounds like I thwacked my countertop.

* Failure to capture the setting. For a movie set around the middle ages, people are talking very... not middle age-y. As well as the clothing and sets themselves really not feeling like that either. It felt more like I was watching a Dungeons and Dragons campaign.

* The villain is hilariously bad. In his first scene he does an anime cape swish. Ben Mendelsohn got a lucky break with Rogue One, and I like him in that mainly because it's so bad it's funny. I thought it was a joke performance, like he was having fun with the dialogue. WE STAND HERE AMIDST MY ACHIEVEMENT, NOT YOURS! And unfortunately he hasn't had a good role since, and this one further cements that. "I'm going to boil you in your own piss" in a hissing voice and not his shouting voice. Hissing Ben is much much much worse than shouting Ben.

* Speaking of the acting, all of it is bad. You can blame both the script and the actors on this one, as the dialogue sucks and everyone loves to speak soft and fast in hisses and slurs.

* Technically speaking, this movie is a farce. Sometimes effects aren't even rendered properly. On one occasion the camera wasn't even the right lens, it was like a grainy security camera. That shot is used twice, in case you miss it the first time. Sometimes shots last longer than needed at times and you can tell the actors are trying to signal for a cut. There was one time where a shot with Jamie Foxx lasted a little too long and he fell out of character.

* Too fast. This movie is about three paces ahead of a good pacing for a movie like this. I realized I had been there for 20 minutes and it felt more like 2 minutes. At least the torture was over quickly.

* Forgettable. This movie reminds me too much of Ben Hur 2016, and that isn't a good thing. No good comedy to keep it light, no tension filled scenes, no good action, no good stakes, no good characters, no good drama... no good. As such large chunks of the movie are missing in my mind.

TL;DR, don't waste your time. A lot can be accomplished in 2 hours that isn't sitting in the dark watching this.

Venom (2018)

A diluted poison

[5/10 · 8 October 2018]

Venom got me unreasonably hyped for a long period of time. I wanted nothing more for it to be unreasonably amazing, but it wasn't. It's not nearly as bad as I was expecting however, but a lot of people saying "ignore the critics this was great" are also wrong. It's just an average movie. It's a moderately flawed, yet moderately fun film that I enjoyed, but wish was much better than we what we got.

We'll get the good stuff out of the way first with this one. Tom Hardy does a bunch of crazy stuff for a paycheck in this movie, which I loved. Even before he gets the symbiote he's so much fun to watch. He's half drunk and high for a good quarter of the movie, and then he gets the symbiote and goes on a rampage. I have nothing but respect for him after watching this, he was a blast from start to finish to watch.

The Venom suit itself is not at all a bad effect. Of course you can tell it's fake but you never care about that. It has a good design and the first scene with the first transformation of it looks amazing, easily one of the most iconic moments from a superhero movie in recent years. This segways nicely into action scenes with the suit, they're all great. They pack a punch and because Venom is not concerned with killing people there's no worry of "oh that guy is just knocked out".

Lastly I think this movie has some good humor sprinkled throughout. It's nothing groundbreaking but there's good stuff here and there to distract from Venom chomping people's heads off... and there's no... bodies...

(abrupt transition into negatives now) Why wasn't this made to be an R rated movie? There is so much to gain by giving it said rating. Every scene would be improved in some way. Cursing that is sprinkled here and there could be expanded and not have to feel either forced or watered down. When Venom chomps a dude's head off I expect to see a headless corpse on the ground, instead they never show it. Venom bites 2 dude's heads off and the bodies aren't show, nor is the head in Venom's mouth. They don't even show blood for most of the movie, I think I remember one splash of it throughout the whole thing.

A bigger problem would be this movie's undeniably awkward pacing. The first half of the movie, up until Tom Hardy gets to use the suit, is slow and lame (half lame, Tom's still a blast). Then when he gets the suit the movie rushes straight to the finish line, skipping key moments and opportunities for things. Venom's motives for saving earth change within minutes just so he could end the movie even faster. Riot puts up a somewhat cool fight but it's over too fast to enjoy fully. If you cut away useless parts from the first half and add to the second half as a balance, this could be so much better.

While I praise Tom for being so great, the rest of the cast sucks. Generic love interest pulls a 5 second She-Venom cameo but that's all she does. Generic rich bad guy has the Riot suit but that's all he does. They're both awful acting wise as well. Everyone else is just plain lame. Generic evil goons, generic science people, generic cops, generic is a good way to describe things here.

The movie constantly has lapses in normal logic. Generic rich bad guy asks how could someone escape with the suit, and who would do so. Does his facility not have cameras? Venom at the end gets burned by a giant explosion. He says he hates and fears fire earlier, calls it "one of his Kryptonites", which is precisely why after this explosion he's still around. Also on his list of weaknesses is sound. That explosion was loud right? It was also on a launching rocket. Rockets are really really loud correct? Either somethings not adding up or someone forgot.

Venom is a strange case. I'm very happy to have seen it and enjoyed it, but I'm also a little let down by it. It's somehow better and worse than I was expecting. Guess that's fitting for a character as weird and as different as Venom. Doesn't make for a totally satisfying movie though. Go watch this one and see for yourself.

Oceans Rising (2017)

Somehow made me feel bad for having nothing better to do.

[1/10 · 22 September 2018]

I was just bored and browsing Netflix the other night when I stumbled upon Scott Pilgrim vs The World, unaware it was just added. Dang that movie is amazing. So naturally because I hate myself and I haven't seen a bad movie in quite some time now, today I decided to find something to laugh at or just not like. I willingly chose this one. I dunno, Truman Show was right below it, I could have watched something that made me contemplate existence. I could have just rewatched Hot Fuzz another dozen times. I could have chosen literally any bad Netflix original, because it's not like Bright is going anywhere. Nah, I chose Oceans Rising. And I regret it.

You know you're in for a rough time when the opening blasts you with bad CG and loud news narration. We're literally seconds into the movie and the world is already in the process of ending. But the problem is the movie chose a really restrictive way of ending. A super solar flare doesn't just happen without issue. It's not like a period of time passes and everything is just alright. The second something like that happens, we're done for. It would be a global extinction event, not just something as small and shrugged off as shown. The lights are still on. There are phones are still ringing in the background. Did anyone even research what would happen? And instead of characters being developed in an interesting way, they all talk really fast with a ton of slurs and then something world ending happens to get them to shut up. You're gonna notice this a lot in this movie, characters speed-talking exposition. I guess the main two characters break up. Okay.

Cut to three years later (in an actual event like that we'd be lucky to get an hour) and I guess earthquakes are common and the icecaps have melted, so everyone needs to get off land. Main character builds boat. Other main character finds him again and they get on it to escape a wave. They find some castaways. Then suddenly one of them starts burning outside, due to something about the atmosphere not being there.

Okay let's count here. So far, there's been a super solar flare, many many earthquakes, widespread devastating flooding, and now the atmosphere just doesn't exist. We're only a half hour in, at most, and we're somehow expected to believe everyone is just gonna live for another HOUR of runtime. More importantly, as per disaster movie norm, we're expecting that this is supposed to get worse. Wanna know how?

Get this: The characters genuinely believe that in order to stop this, they should create black holes to fix the magnetic field.

... I really regret not just rewatching Infinity War again.

So after about like forty-five mins of pure filler we get to the characters at the place they need to be. I call it pure filler because not only do I not give a damn about what happens in that timeframe and neither should you. This movie is filled to maximum capacity with all the standard disaster movie tropes and then overfills with your stock bad movie tropes. Terrible acting, horrifically bad pacing, some of the worst effects you can ever see, unconvincing action, no tension whatsoever because you know everyone outside of the main two can just die without consequence and that everything will be alright in the end, lighting so bad that it boggles the mind, there's a child actor and his mother dies (horrifically, I should add; she gets electrocuted for nearly a minute straight) and he barely shows emotion, and despite trying to be about science, any kind of logic and reasoning and common sense just doesn't apply. Logic says outside is now dangerous due to the atmosphere not really existing; couple scenes later our guy is just outside and taking in a view. "Maybe it's only in patches" but by that logic the passage of time would just cause those patches to grow real fast. The cinematography is just horrific. It looks worse than a student film someone threw together to get a grade, and not even a good one, just a grade so they can say they did it.

So they get to the finale and the characters are making the black hole, surprise surprise not really not really the black hole starts chewing its way to the Earth's core. But then the other main character (her name is Pam, but I have heard she looks like an Abby) uses an axe on a power cord and the black hole just disappears right before it gets to the core. Hooray. Also it's worth nothing that although this seems to have saved the day the world is still totally flooded and the cast is just stuck. Oh and the boat shouldn't have that much gas now. Good luck!

Side note right as she cut the cord my Netflix crashed and kicked me back to the home menu. I think it was trying to say "you've suffered enough, we're getting you out of it". But I persisted and made it to the credits. I dunno why I did, the movie ends like two minutes after that.

It's funnier still when after I did intentionally click out, the description read "When an evacuation order comes too late, a deadly hurricane claims lives and leaves Tampa's survivors to battle rising waters with scant resources". Huh? What the hell? When? Where? How did Netflix get that wrong? I guess they couldn't be bothered to watch it so they made up something on the spot that sounded like it made sense. I don't blame them. This movie is a total disaster. It can't even be enjoyed in a "so bad it's good" sense sadly. If you really want that I'd just recommend Geostorm much more than I would this, and I don't recommend Geostorm. I just don't. It's goddamn Geostorm. I can officially state I found a worse disaster movie than Geostorm. Congrats Oceans Rising.

Searching (III) (2018)

Actually a masterpiece

[9/10 · 16 September 2018]

Just got back from the theater and I'm in a rush. I want to just blunt this review full of positives upon positives in a frantic dash to tell everyone to go watch this masterpiece ASAP, but I also want to just take a little bit of time to think it over and then come back tomorrow with an even better description of why you should see this masterpiece ASAP. This is one of the best movies I've seen in some time, and that's not an understatement.

I guess there's a nitpick. The mouse on screen goes way too slow. I know this because every mouse I've ever seen click on things or used myself to click on things is fast, jagged movements, sometimes even imprecise to the point of clicking on something accidentally. The one on screen was like a commercial telling us how to use the internet, it's going so slow as if to show the universe "and this is where you click to find your daughter". When it hesitates you know it's doing so on purpose but when it's not it still feels like the person behind the screen is hesitating to click and move it around.

... I think that's it. It should say a lot that the only thing I could find wrong with it was one really dumb nitpick.

The style, oh my god the style. Everything is from the viewpoint of the monitor on a computer. I know what you're thinking "I've seen my Unfriendeds I know where this is going, they're gonna mess this up aren't they?" Never once is a fake website used. No part of this movie is faked saved for the series of events broadcasted on a site such as CBS or CNN or what have you. The only time we see actors are in photos, Facetimes, and the news broadcasts. And despite this it's never dull. Because of the story, which I'll get into don't worry, every action, every click, has a weight to it. It's so great.

The characters all act like humans in a terrible situation. Special shoutouts to John Cho, who is the Daniel Day Lewis of this movie. He give a grounded and real and powerful performance. He's also extremely tech savvy. He knows his way around websites and files, he's not just some bumbling idiot on a laptop. He's not perfect, how can you be on a place as big as the information super highway, but he does more than enough to qualify as very tech smart.

The story itself is very simple and very very effective. Not once did it take a break to get too crazy, and the only time it took a moment to show off a website was when our lead was learning how to use the livestreaming site, which still made sense seeing as how he didn't know it even existed before. You can tell how important everything is, how serious the situation is, how it sets itself up for the frantic final act.

Speaking of the final act, I have to mention that this is a twist movie. I must say that the twist does paint the movie in a different light, but after it happens everything starts piecing itself together perfectly. It's a great twist that makes me want to see it again!

I highly, highly, highly recommend this movie. I've gushed enough, it's on you now to go see this one.

Teen Titans GO! To the Movies (2018)

Not my kind of movie

[4/10 · 29 July 2018]

I think everyone who watched this was expecting something absolutely awful, but instead got something really ehh. To them, ehh is amazing with those expectations. I went in with no expectations, and admitably this is due to me just not watching that much of the show. I've seen many episodes but it was never that good. So I walk in and... wow, it's just a long episode from the show. And not really a good one.

Positives first, as per usual. At times this movie is really funny. There's a good chunk of mocking common superhero movie tropes, including the obligatory Stan Lee cameo and the Martha scene from BvS. While a lot of this movie does rely on pop culture references to get laughs, it's not really something so bad. Another great chunk of the humor comes from Nick Cage as Superman. Even though he's barely in it he still manages some amazing moments, and you totally buy him as Superman.

Slade was a fun villain. They play the "Haha Slade Wilson and Wade Wilson haha" card, and while I will admit it kinda bugged me how much they played it, its still a funny joke. Slade gets a lot of great moments, and does have a good tone to it all. Well, whenever Slade is on screen at least.

The animation is cute and very very colorful. Not everything looks great, there's some moments where the background doesn't look properly made for the movement the character did, but otherwise it does look mostly visually appealing.

Now back to your regularly scheduled negatives.

Tonally speaking, this movie is all over the place. It doesn't know what it wants you to feel. It doesn't know if its trying to make you cry, or laugh, or reel backwards in shock, or if it's just trying all those things at once and failing. A great example that is still sticking in my head is the scene where the Titans go back in time and stop the superheroes from becoming superheroes. They save Krypton from blowing up with a musical sequence (there's a lot of those in this movie, don't worry), which can be seen as fun and happy. Then less than five seconds later they're tossing a plastic can holder into the ocean and strangling baby Aquaman........ HANG ON, WHAT? Is this supposed to be funny? Are we supposed to laugh at the strangulation AND drowning of a baby? Like it's being played off for laughs but still. That's some really dark stuff! Oh and they save Bruce Wayne's parents... wait would Robin not exist if Batman didn't either? Another example is them having an upbeat musical number (literally called Upbeat) and then they run over the lead singer. Uhh... and then Cyborg makes a dead cop joke? I dunno, it was kinda hard to understand.

This movie suffers from what I like to call "The Deadpool Problem". It's a satire of dumb comic book movies while still being a dumb comic book movie. Meaning despite parodying superhero movies and all their dumb elements and predictability, they still do all that same stuff, and acknowledge that they're doing it. Just saying what you're doing is dumb doesn't make it any less dumb. Deadpool suffers this same problem where Deadpool constantly breaks the fourth wall and acknowledges what the movie is doing is dumb, while the movie keeps going and he plays along with it. Here we have characters pointing out how predictable the plot twist of the movie is after the plot twist happens. Just saying that it was doesn't change the fact of how predictable it was. It's not funny to point out your own flaws over and over and over again.

While this movie does break the fourth wall a lot, it misses great opportunities for jokes doing so, to the point where it becomes a serious flaw. The whole movie's plot is the joke of "Robin wants his own movie" while we sit in the theater and watch the movie of him wanting a movie. That's neat, but breaking the fourth wall over and over again and not limiting it to a single character pretty much gives off the impression that everyone knows they're being filmed. Robin is getting his own movie and knows he's currently getting his own movie while begging at the "filmmaker's" feet for his own movie (and bursting into song about it). The end joke, while quite funny because you don't see it coming, has this problem to the letter. Robin just spent the whole movie wanting his own movie and was then pointed to the camera before he gives a big speech and told "dude people are trying to leave now", and he just jumps at camera and acknowledges the audience of kids, not with a "OH MY GOD I FINALLY HAVE MY MOVIE!", like you'd expect. It's unexpected, which makes it funny, but it also doesn't make sense in context, which leaves you kinda confused.

Ultimately this movie was kinda a mess. It has its good moments but I do believe the negatives outweigh the positives sadly. I will admit to having fun at parts but again this is the same movie that has 12, maybe 13 year old "heroes" choking and drowning baby Aquaman, while still trying to make poop jokes and be taken seriously. It's a very confused movie and that does take away from it a lot. I wouldn't recommend this, but it's all up to you in the end.

Ant-Man and the Wasp (2018)

It takes two to make a thing go horribly horribly wrong

[4/10 · 6 July 2018]

I didn't care about this movie at all. After so many blockbusters this summer and most of them being mediocre or just average, they all just mesh together in your head. Besides, Ant Man 2? I like Ant Man quite a bit, but we're right off the coattails of Infinity War, where, you know, *half the universe ceased to exist*. It doesn't matter what happens in this movie. It's not gonna be as epic as that. More importantly, it's entirely possible that the whole movie won't matter. Shocker, I'm right.

There's some good in here. For super hero movies these days have one problem that's started to bug me a bit recently; the heroes never use their powers as much as they can. The best action scene in Infinity War between Doctor Strange and Thanos is the big exception from this problem, since Strange is using the full power of the Sorcerer Supreme, and Thanos actually uses the four Infinity Stones he has. But most of the other action scenes from these superhero movies these days really struggle from this. They usually have like one great moment of super stuff and that's it. This movie really takes advantage of the shrinking concept. Lots of action of shrinking things, and lots of the Ghost using her power. There's a moment in the movie (you can see it in the trailer) where Ghost phases through a car and kicks a dude off a motorcycle. And she does similar things to that the whole movie.

At times the movie can be pretty funny. Most of Ant Man was a comedy, so they kinda ramped that up here too, along with the shrinking concept. However, this leads to a big problem with the movie, so I'll get back to that.

Uhh... that's it.

Remember how Edgar Wright was gonna direct the original, but before creative differences happened, he helped write the movie? Maybe that's why the movie was really funny at times, because there was a very creative person watching over it. But here there's none of that. You get a really bland story with no creative edge or super hilarious moments. There's some funny stuff in here, but when a joke falls on its face, it really doesn't bode well. Sometimes there's a joke that lands, immediately followed by a joke that falls flat, and then the scene ends.

All the effects work is bad. I don't blame them, with how much money and effort going to Infinity War, the movie was never gonna get the best effects team. But I at least expected better effects than this. A lot of the time the effects just boggle the mind. The ending shot with Hank and his wife looked like the worst green possible and the worst effects work possible. There was very little effort to make this movie look good, as a good chunk of the time it also looks very ugly. Maybe it was the way it was lit, maybe it was a combination of the effects and green screen, but it just looked ugly a lot of the time.

Ghost was pretty lame. While her powers and backstory were kinda neat, I barely understood her motivation until she actually tried to execute her plan. She wants to use the power of Hank's wife stuck in the Quantum Realm to save herself from death by her own powers. Okay, but you and the science guy you're working with both know that Hank's wife (Michelle Pfeiffer, in case you were wondering why her name is attached to this movie) is a brilliant woman who could probably create a miracle cure in ten minutes. The science guy even says this right at the end when they try and do this. Besides if you're gonna die in a couple of days why do it right now? Something about the wife being lost forever inside the realm, despite her even being find-able in this movie being total coincidence after thirty something years. I don't really get it. At least she's slightly better than the other bad guy in this movie, Evil Mc. Badguy who just wants to make money. He sucked.

This movie doesn't matter at all. We all know that half the universe ceased to exist, and we're just gonna have this semi-prequel? No. It doesn't work like this at all. Many, many times during the moment I was chuckling to myself thinking, "what if the snap happened right this instant?" They save the snap for the end, don't worry. But it also renders the characters we just cared about for around two hours pointless, since they're now dust. That Wasp lady? Dust. The character we spent the whole movie saving? Dust. I was fine when Infinity War did this because the characters they killed weren't just that movie only. We knew the characters there for way longer than two hours. It's not like Infinity War just set up Matt Damon's Ghost Rider (plz Marvel just give the fans what we want) and snap! killed him. The characters that died there were important, and had influence, and made lots of money. We just spent the whole movie saving Michelle and in the post credits scene snap! Dead. It all doesn't matter.

I really hate to say it. I really wanted to love this movie. But I have to say, this is the first Marvel movie since the first Ant Man you could reasonably skip (for now at least- he'll be back by the End Game). It's around as bad as Thor The Dark World, which is the worst of the worst in terms of Marvel. I didn't like it at all, which is a serious shame. But this movie really needed some fixes, and in particular, a different release date. Don't release your dumb Ant Man sequel less than three months after Infinity. Release it after all the hype dies down, I'd say November. Hopefully Marvel looks at their release schedule and fixes their bloated moments to come, mainly Captain Marvel going almost immediately into End Game, and then that almost immediately going into Far From Home. This is the kinda stuff that'll ruin it for everyone.

So in short, skip this one folks. You're not missing much.

Ocean's Eight (2018)

Lacks everything that I love from Ocean's 11

[4/10 · 13 June 2018]

Ocean's 11 is one of my all time favorite movies. The style is unique and engaging, the heist is fun and intriguing, the cast is lovable and memorable, and basically every joke and piece of dialogue has something extra behind it. All of this combines to make an almost perfect movie. Ocean's Eight doesn't even try to attempt this level of film. It is so far removed from the idea of a good Ocean's Numerical Value Movie that I can't even consider it one. It's just your substandard heist movie with a recognizable name on it.

Does that mean the whole movie is bad? Not really. I like some of the actresses in it. Sandra Bullock does a good job, so does Cate Blanchett. The two have great chemistry, and with a better script, or just one that doesn't rely on Ocean's whatever to sell, I'd buy tickets to a movie with them. They have the same kind of chemistry Brad Pitt and George Clooney had in the original, that is to say, rich, interesting, and fun to watch.

The heist for the most part is okay. It's too short and predictable (which we'll get into), but for the most part it made sense. It's not as good as the original, of course not, because the whole reason the original happened was because they just didn't like the guy they were stealing from. And of course because the guy also has Danny's wife. Here we don't have the kind of figure that Mr. Benedict was, but the heist is still kinda fun. There's some cool things they do here.

But that's about all this movie has for itself. Everything you'd want from an Ocean's Numerical Value movie isn't here. The style with the interesting and engaging cinematography? Gone. The clever editing? Gone. The wonderful music? Gone. The simple story? Gone. Steven Soderbergh didn't direct this one, and some random hack did instead. And it really shows. The editing is awful. The transitions sometimes make no sense and look like garbage. There's an over reliance on artificial zoom ins, sometimes looking totally awful and other times just being distracting. Most of the film is just shot-reverse shot. There was absolutely nothing special about it. The music was so loud and grating at times that it drowned out the dialogue. It's not even score music, it's just popular songs pulled for the movie just because of one lyric. And the story...

The story is bad. The script in general is weak. There's almost no moments of levity, no moments that made me go "wow that's neat". The amazing dialogue has been traded out for unfunny, uncreative nonsense. And the story? Basic revenge with the twist of jewelry theft. You can predict the outcome of the final heist well in advance. It just goes off too smoothly, you just say to yourself "that's not the end". And then the movie goes on for another 20 mins. With James Corden thrown in. And it goes on. And on. And on. By now you already know the twist(s). Then it keeps going. And going. And going. The end of this film is awful, if I haven't made that clear.

They killed Danny. Fine. Whatever. But George Clooney is very alive and very much a player. He'd happily be a mentor to this new sister character if you gave him enough money. But even if you couldn't get him, lots of cameo opportunities are missing here. You get one of Casino Security Guy, one of the Chinese Acrobat, and... that's it. No Matt Damon, no Brad Pitt, no Mr. Benedict, not even Ms. Ocean. Nothing. And it's not like the movie can't carry its own weight without tiebacks to the original. What I'm saying is the movie fails at carrying its own weight and needs more people to carry it to the finish line, but hands were in short supply it seems.

While I do like Cate and Sandra, the rest of the cast doesn't have the same magic. Awkwafina and Rihanna in particular are *awful*. Dresser lady is whatever, gemology lady is whatever, Anne Hathaway is such a shallow character that it was kinda distracting sometimes. She sees this prototype necklace and starts breaking down like OMGGGGGG I'M GONNA LOOK SOOOOOO BAAAAADDDDDD!!!!1!! Have I mentioned the dialogue in this movie kinda sucks? And the villain isn't intimidating in the slightest. He gets Sandra arrested to drive the plot before the movie even happens and we cut to that halfway through with a flashback. Compared to Mister Benedict, nope. Just not fun.

Just not fun. What a wonderful set of three syllables to describe this movie. I wanted to like this, I really did. But this movie lacks everything that I loved from the original, and it's a damn shame. Given better material and Steven back in the director's seat (since he's clearly talented and cool), this could probably work. But as it stands, I really don't recommend it. As a follow up movie it sucks, as a stand alone it's terribly made, very predictable, unfunny, and just bad. I get why this was made, I get that women have limitless potential. But this just isn't the movie to show that. With more time and talent, yeah. This could work. As it stands- or crouches in this case- not really.

Solo: A Star Wars Story (2018)

I don't like it, I don't want it, but I'll accept it

[5/10 · 28 May 2018]

Solo, despite being attached to the Star Wars name, had no hype behind it whatsoever. I was convinced for a while that Deadpool 2 or even Infinity War still would outgross it. Unlike both those movies being well worth the millions they made, I unfortunately cannot say the same for Solo.

That doesn't mean the whole movie is bad. Far from it. There was some good stuff in here, so I'll just list them off rapid fire style. Donald Glover as Lando is legitimately amazing, he's got the style and suave nature to pull it off perfectly. Most of the acting in general is okay. Most of the effects are also okay, nothing amazingly realistic but not too many that are awful either. Okay is the only word really to describe this film. If you wanna watch an okay space movie with one great performance go for it.

That being said, it just being okay takes away from the film greatly. It doesn't do anything great, anything different, or anything to add bonus value to it. It hits all the beats you expect the movie to hit, and then it ends. Simple, plain... boring, stale. You could probably just watch the original trilogy and get ten times the enjoyment of Han.

The equal rights robot as I've coined it was very annoying. Yes, equal rights is important. BUT! We're in space. A long, long time ago. In a galaxy far, far away. If equal rights is an issue there, you've messed up a lot. Why? Because there are many many different species interacting with each other always. The card playing scenes are a testament to that. Maybe the robot only wants equal rights for other robots, but then she leads a mass breakout with many many different species. The whole thing comes off as inconsistent, unfunny, and just ends up raising more questions than it does answers. Like who would program a robot with that level of self awareness? Were they asking for a quick robotic kick to the nuts?

The reveal at the end with Maul isn't handled properly. His CG is almost complete garbage (again, nothing extraordinary, nothing extraordinarily bad), and he's on screen for only 20 seconds, tops. If you wanted this to work well you have to be actually in the room with him, and not just a hologram of him, and you also have to have him do something. If the movie instead got an actor in the makeup at the end, maybe as a post credit scene, and had him behead the traitorous love interest, then I would have given more points.

Speaking of the love interest, the movie suffers the Rogue One problem of us already knowing what's gonna happen before it happens. None of the characters they introduce in this movie ever show up in any other movie that comes after, so you know they're either gonna die or... nah they're just gonna die. The love interest doesn't die, but judging by the talk she had with you-know-who, she might as well have. Paul Betanny's weak villain character dies, because of course he does. The mentor character dies, because of course he does. The equal rights robot dies, because thank god. As such, the movie is lacking stakes.

I don't recommend this movie sadly. I was really hoping for my expectations to be defied and for this movie to do something unique and different. What I got was exactly what I expected; an average movie with nothing to it but the name. If you bring a bucket of popcorn and some great friends, it might be worth it. But you can make any movie work under those conditions. I likely won't watch it again till it comes out on DVD, so maybe seeing it again will change my opinion. But for now, I'd say give this one a pass.

Avengers: Infinity War (2018)

Cuthroat, brutal, and fun as hell

[9/10 · 28 April 2018]

The hype train behind this movie was insane. You should have been there, it was such a ride. We were losing our minds at this image, and crying over that shot from the trailer, and speculating about every little thing. It was something special to behold. So now that this gargantuan movie is here, was it worth it? Was all that hype warranted or did it all go to waste? I'll say what I can here, but to put it simply, this film gave me everything I wanted and more.

Guess I'll just start with the bad, because no movie is truly perfect, and this one is no exception. There's one shot in the beginning between Tony and Pepper that constantly blurs in and out of focus, which I would guess is a problem with the whole thing being shot with IMAX cameras. They're great for the action scenes but really poor for scenes of two people talking. I don't think they do enough with the characters they're given, mainly because I've followed Marvel movies religiously for close to 8 years now and would have just loved to see all the witty banter they go through. And yet there's not too much of that. You have all these A list actors, and you do... pretty much nothing with them. A little annoying but whatever. There is stuff, but to me they could have gone farther still. And the last issue is the Soul Stone. They throw it in, but I'm guessing only for fanservice and to go through with the ending. The problem is we've been looking for the Soul Stone for 6 years now and no one knows, and now it's Gamora who's known this whole time? Yeah, that's kinda an issue.

Really all that stuff is me nitpicking. What this movie doesn't do so well here or there it makes up for in spades with all this really cool stuff. Every action scene is superb. And trust me, there's a *lot* of action scenes. There's one at the start, then there's another in New York, then there's another on the ship thing, and another in Switzerland or wherever, and a really big one on Titan, and a really *really* big one on Wakanda. It wouldn't be too much of a stretch to say the whole movie is one fight scene honestly. And not just one long boring fight scene, they do so many wonderfully amazing things in it that saying anything here kinda defeats the purpose.

The characters don't need too much more fleshing out, as we already know who these people are from other movies. And that was really my biggest concern going in, that they would give everyone an extra backstory. But the film goes, "you should know who these guys are by now, don't expect us to waste precious time on them." The only character this really happens to is Gamora, but she never had that big of a backstory to begin with, so it doesn't truly matter. Besides, she dies anyways. And not just at the end, which I was surprised by.

Speaking of the end... I love it. It's so bold and brave of Marvel to literally erase every character we've cared about for the last 6 years. The only people that end up alive are the original six (I'm going with Hawkeye/Antman being Schrodinger's Cat, where they are both alive and dead until further notice), Rocket, War Machine, and Nebula. And I agree with it, mainly because deep down we all know Avengers 4 is probably going to undo at least part of the damage. Peter Parker dying isn't the end of Spiderman, because Spiderman is a suit, not a person. (STILL WAITING ON MILES MARVEL). Dr. Stephan Strange, Sorcerer Supreme dying isn't the end, Sorcerer Supreme is a title. T'Challa dying isn't the end of Black Panther, they've already announced a sequel within like a month of his movie, and besides, Black Panther is just another title. A kingly status, not a person. I love the ending just because of the sheer ambition and bold choice made, but not everyone did clearly, as I could tell people walked out really really sad. I don't blame them, it sucks seeing them die. But that's exactly why they did it.

Thanos is the coolest villain Marvel villain... ever really. I'd say better than Loki, better than Ego (whom I've learned to love), better than Michael Keaton that one time, better than literally every Marvel villain. He steals the show, and in a way you can understand his thought process. He thinks what he's doing is right, wiping out half the universe so that the last half have a better, more prosperous life. And in the end he wins, and his ambition is realized. Was what he was doing right in the end? To him maybe, to us maybe. And every fight scene involving him, except maybe the very very last one where he walks up to Vision and just kinda blows through the remaining force through sheer over-leveled might was absolutely fantastic. He is far too powerful, but everyone against him puts up one hell of a fight.

So I thoroughly enjoyed this movie, and I can tell a lot of other people did as well. It's not a perfect movie, honestly to me Iron Man 1, Guardians (both), Avengers 1, and Dr. Strange are still better, and none of those top Dark Knight, but still. I love this movie. And you should too, if you've been like me for the past year. Go watch it at your earliest possible convenience!.. just remember to bring tissues.

Love, Simon (2018)

Cute, but that's about it.

[6/10 · 1 April 2018]

Part of me really wants to scream from the rooftops that the world is right in loving this movie. But I'm holding that back to talk about how the film is, as a film. It's not worth giving every movie with a positive message and cute moments a 10/10. Film doesn't work like that. By this logic Geostorm is a godsend of a movie. And we all know how that went.

Let's go with the good. I think that yes, this movie is quite cute. Most of the dialogue is pretty great. Even the emotional moments toward the end are pretty good. The actors have a lot to work with, and aside from some moments that don't work, they try a good amount. It's interesting to see how the world is fairly similar to the real world, with believable dialogue and predictable teenage behavior.

I think the message of the movie is nice. Being gay is totally fine, and seeing this kid grow throughout the course of the movie is fitting. He's just an average guy, a little shy, and gay, but hasn't told anyone yet. So he just goes through life, staying with his friends, being himself. There's some good moments in here that fit, and the coming out scenes are handled very well. The ending is extremely adorable as well. I won't say anything specific, but bring tissues if you are not strong willed.

That being said, despite how I like the acting, the dialogue, and the message... I think this movie has a lot of horrible cliche stuff that just doesn't work at all. The leads are romantically involved, but they aren't gonna say anything about it. The kids all hang out in Drama class. The one guy threatens to leak information if he doesn't get the girl with the help of the lead. Does it sound like I'm describing Love, Simon? Or am I describing every high school rom-com you've ever seen? Really the only twist here is the lead is gay and it seems the rest aren't. I dunno, halfway through it felt like the girl who secretly liked Simon was actually gay too.

The bully characters- they're not even characters. They have maybe 5 lines. And they're only there to be the "homophobic anchors" and pull off one really obnoxious scene where the kind and understanding Drama teacher (of course it was the Drama teacher) roasts them in front of the whole school. They're not even offensive, if I saw "bullies" like that at my school I'd just laugh at them, not with them. They get roasted every time they make an offensive joke anyways. You could literally take them out and *nothing* would change. It's just another cliche that doesn't need to be there.

The "antagonist" is really really dumb. He just accidentally stumbles across Simon's conversations and uses it as blackmail. He does realize that being gay is a touchy subject right? He has no real consideration, doesn't even hesitate when blackmailing. The movie treats him as pure evil with one goal: to get someone to like him. A special someone... could this get any cheesier? I think if I sprayed cheese over the screen it'd still not be as cheesy. Really? This is yandare at it's finest, except when she denies him. Like he does everything right and she says no. So what does he do? Leaks the emails! Take your rage out on the guy who was only trying to help you win! Really??? Like Simon gave him the advice, he took it, and when she says no, he just does something so inconsiderate and bad you can't understand what he was thinking. Simon had nothing to do with some other girl saying no to you. Don't take it out on him... he's the Baby Driver himself. (Really look at the two... jeez...)

So yes, this movie is fine. It's not nearly as good as everyone is praising it as, at least to me. I think there are parts that are extremely great, and parts that are absolutely awful. If you can look past some of the cliches and fully immerse yourself in the movie, and the good stuff about it, good on you. You absolutely have the right to enjoy it and love it. Don't let me and my nagging keep you down.

Pacific Rim: Uprising (2018)

A shame really

[4/10 · 29 March 2018]

I never saw the first one. Sue me all you like, but I've heard it's great and I'd love to see it sometime soon. Especially after seeing this movie, which just isn't that great in general. And I really wish this movie was good so I had even more reasons to watch the first, but... not really...

Guess we'll start with the good. The effects and action are quite good. I can tell they put effort into them as they're easily the best part of the movie. The end fight scene is pretty great, and nothing ever looks fake. There's a couple of shots that aren't all there, but for the most part, excellent job on the visuals.

I like how this movie treats itself like an over the top anime. Like the characters in the robots yell out stuff like "PROTON CANNON!" and "GRAVITY SPIKE!" and the like. Even the villain is completely over the top and stupid, which I quite liked. It's a movie about giant robots stopping over the top aliens called the Kaiju. Not only is it a movie about that, it's the second movie to be about that. So I like that it doesn't take itself seriously, but the problem is the movie is trying to take itself seriously.

That's a good segway: the movie treats it's subject matter like it's the most important thing on planet Earth, or any other dimension aliens like to crawl out of. It tries to make the Kaiju more of a threat by giving them a goal. Having not seen the first movie and not heard much about it... was their a reason for the aliens doing the things they do? Can't we just have the basic set up "aliens arrive now we fight"? Now the aliens are going for Mt. Fuji to blow up the world. Was that really a necessary addition? They even make it look like everything that happened in the first movie was actually just the aliens trying to go to Mt. Fuji the whole time. Really? I mean I can't vouch for the first one, but I doubt that was necessary.

Speaking of Japan, this movie has the most obvious China pandering I've seen since Transformers 4. Most of the plot takes place in China, there's a lot- and I mean a *lot*, of Chinese actors, and the final city destroying (and almost world destroying) climax takes place in Japan... the one place China hates. It's pretty obvious that this movie was made for China, with the bland plot and hokey acting from everyone that isn't Chinese. Also big action scenes designed to trick suckers into buying tickets... something China is notorious for.

The characters are paper thin. John Boyega's accent was awful, and his character was doubly so. Within 5 minutes of the movie he's already unlikable and I wanted nothing to do with him. He literally sold priceless robot stuff to a dude for Oreo's. Any joke he made fell completely flat, and most of the humor is dumb memes. The Chris Evans lookalike was pretty flat and monotone. The one kid girl actor was a waste of time being honest. She builds a robot. That's it. And the robot was pretty pointless. In the one chase scene with it John is trying to take over as the pilot (WE NEED A PILOT flashbacks) she's piloting the robot fine and he's just like "just step out and let me drive". Dude, she's got this under control. Chill.

Speaking more of robots, they were all dumb and stupid. I'm sure this was all explained in the first film. But why did they put pain receptors into the robots? Guys are out here fighting off the Kaiju, but in order to do so, they gotta fight off a hologram of the Kaiju to move the robot in the right ways? But the hologram is basically the Kaiju and has weight... despite being a hologram? I'm confident this was explained in great detail in the first movie. But to an outsider looking in, it looks awkward and stupid, and makes them question who green-lit that feature.

So yeah, this movie isn't that great. Lucky me, I had no emotional investment in anything that was going on because I didn't care or know about anything going on. But that's never a good thing. Credit for action, credit for effects, minus points for basically everything else.

Star Wars: Episode VIII - The Last Jedi (2017)

The best product you could have made out of this kind of story.

[5/10 · 16 December 2017]

Major spoilers ahead. I usually don't type this in my reviews, but seriously, don't read this until you've watched the film. Got it?

Much like everyone else, I was excited for this film. But then I started hearing tales of disappointment and sorrow from other film-goers. I didn't get spoiled, but I can say that they're right. This was a tad bit disappointing. What was I expecting? Not a masterpiece, but a bit of fun. And I got that! It took a while, but I got that!

I really like how they diss every fan theory out there. Snoke isn't a major character, he's just a dude with the Force. Then he dies. Rey's parents aren't important, they just sold her off for booze. Then they die. It's nice it doesn't jump to that level of fanservice at every corner. There is fanservice, but not too much to where things get bogged down.

The story is clever at parts. I understood what was going on at all times, which is great, because there's a lot going on. The story basically follows an escape operation in the Rebel fleet. And it gets more complex, but I kinda don't want to talk about that. There are bigger fish to fry.

The action is very well done. Lots and lots of the scenes are very very cool. There's one scene where a ship jumps to lightspeed directly into Snoke's ship. That scene was amazing. The sound cuts, and you're just left in awe at the destruction. Another great scene is when Luke comes out towards the end, and does cool things before he... well, we'll get to that soon.

Rey meets Luke, and in comes the biggest issue: Luke is a jerk! I get it; he's the grumpy old troll, but he's not under a bridge and he's not making us solve riddles. He's trying to teach us how the Jedi were flawed, and why if he dies, the Force isn't dead, because it exists everywhere. Except he does it in the most unlikable ways possible. He has some good action scenes, but they basically sacrificed everything about the character to make those scenes great. He sees Yoda again, and Ghost Yoda looks super fake. He also dies. Yes. They kill off Luke. Thankfully, his death isn't by lightsaber, but instead it's peaceful. The scene where he dies is pretty good. It's well shot, the music is great (it's Star Wars, of course it is), and it's exactly how one would imagine Luke dying.

Another issue is that this film is way, way, way too long. Length is a big issue for me in movies. Not that I have a short attention spam, because Good Will Hunting is one of my favorite movies, and that film is very slow. The issue here comes with the ending. Every couple of transitions during the last part I thought to myself, "Okay, is it over now?" A good 20 minutes could have been cut out and nothing would have changed.

The last issue comes with the scene the advertising and trailers tried to hype up, where Kylo is about to shoot at a ship with Leia in it. He doesn't, the two other TIE Fighters do the deed. But Leia doesn't die. She gets sucked out into the cold dark empty vacuum of space, but she's fine. She just opens her eyes, reaches out her hand, and glides her way over to the ship. Yes, Leia lives. She should have died, but she's fine.

Why are people dissing this movie? What part of this was a disappointment? Why are people praising it? What part of this movie proves is a masterpiece? Honestly, this movie is fine. It's the best you could have done with the material present. I had my doubts beforehand, but I liked this film fine. They're gonna have their hands full for Episode IX though. They've got a lot to work with, and not all of it is great. Carrie's dead, but Leia's alive. Kid actors have the Force now. The Rebellion is now about 15 people large. Snoke is dead, Luke is dead, Admiral Ackbar is super dead. What the hell are they gonna do?

No matter what happens, I'll be there. I really doubt it will be that bad. Worst case scenario, they bring back the Midichlorians. But somehow I doubt that will happen.

Olaf's Frozen Adventure (2017)

Bleh! Yellow snow!

[2/10 · 6 December 2017]

Coco is a great film. But somehow it's getting less attention than this "short" that airs before it. I'm like, "Okay. It's from Disney, I'm sure it will be fine. Disney puts out mostly good films and shorts. And if it got pulled from my theater, great, I get to enjoy Coco a bit faster". Turns out it's still being run, and all the kids in the audience perked up to voice their confusion. They were engaged, but it took maybe 5-ish minutes for them to ask their parents "When are we watching Coco?! I wanna see Coco!" Strap yourselves in, we've got 15 minutes of this left... oh God save me...

If you really want to know what this short is like without watching it, think Frozen if the pacing was shot and the songs, animation, message, and characters were completely downgraded. If you're a die-hard Frozen fanatic go right ahead, I'm sure you'll like this. I like Frozen (key emphasis on like), it's not great, but it's serviceable. But this? This is... oh man...

I've heard rumors that this was supposed to be a half-hour TV special. And while it would still have been bad, at least I would have known not to turn the TV on during its runtime. Whatever, I can skip it without issue. Instead, you are held captive for 20 odd minutes for something you didn't pay money to see. And I could have forgiven it if it was at least entertaining. Like, 20 minutes of good stuff I didn't pay to watch is a nice little goody to throw in. But no... this "short" really isn't good.

I could go in detail about the little things; how the characters are idiots and just shout how much they want a tradition, how the animation feels like it's just whatever extra stuff they had in the back-ends of their hard drives, how incredibly annoying Olaf is, or how 20 minutes, despite being the focal point of criticism, is too short for a "short" like this, but that stuff doesn't matter. It all sucks, but it's not what I'm the most miffed about. The real reason why this "short" stinks hit me like a truck when I was about midway through. And believe me, it's not one the average person would think of. Are you ready?

Here's the big reason why this sucks:

Disney's animation studio didn't make an animated film this year (2017 for those reading in future years). This is the only thing they put their name to. Instead of getting an actually good film, we got a 20 minute long ADVERTISEMENT for something that won't even be out until twenty- NINETEEN, which is TWO YEARS away! I get the counter-arguments; "oh, but Pixar got two films to compensate" or, "oh, they had two last year". But ya know what? They've still got a couple films lined up for next year AS WELL AS Pixar! So this "short" is literally eating into the quality and schedule of other Disney animated movies! Not only is it completely pointless, it's actually taking away from future projects!

Ultimately, the best advice (strategy) someone like me can give is the following.1: Show up to the movies about a half hour late. 2: If you get stuck seeing it or get roped into seeing it, don't be afraid to "go to the bathroom", if you know what I mean. (escape). And 3: Buy the large popcorn. At least you'll have something to put your mind towards other than this, and you'll hopefully have some left over for the actual film.

Coco (I) (2017)

Pixar's finally back!

[8/10 · 4 December 2017]

Coco's trailer seriously intrigued me. I was so interested simply because it wasn't a sequel to a pre-established Pixar IP. The last few movies from Pixar have been massive letdowns, be it the fantastic visuals but super weak plot of The Good Dinosaur, the failure to live up to the original of Finding Dory, or the complete redo/rehash of the first Cars that was Cars 3. Pick your disappoison. Get it... disappointment... poison... So Coco was the next film on the chopping block, and surely it wouldn't be that bad would it? And, it wasn't!

Not to call this movie a masterpiece, because it isn't. I'll go over some negatives first. The biggest flaw I can think of is that there's too many emotional moments. Like, awesome job here Pixar! It's the first of their films since Inside Out to leave an emotional impact on me. But it starts with one heavy emotional moment, then transitions almost immediately to another heavy emotional moment that seems a bit more predictable, then another and another (etc.), and then the movie pretty much wraps up on one last emotional moment. If these moments were spread out a bit more, and not shoved in directly after one another, it would be so much more emotional. The reason the moments in Inside Out work is because A: there's time to breathe and wipe away the tears in between, and B: there's only 3 or so of them, not... 17.

That's the only real flaw I could find. Now for some positives!

The animation is spectacular. Before the movie played in my theater (after the obnoxious "short"... but that's a review for another time), there was a little thing from Pixar showing how they animated the World of the Dead reveal scene, where Miguel sees the World of the Dead for the first time. It's some really impressive stuff, and learning how it was made makes the reveal all the more impressive. Outside of that, some of the other locations, such as the big party for the singer dude, or the actual human world, all look really detailed and impressive. This is one thing Pixar has always excelled at. Even if their films aren't all that great, the animation looks stunning.

Without giving away too much, the twist of the movie is very well done. It does lead into the multiple emotional moments, but it is handled very well. The resulting villain from said twist is super interesting and complex. A man who wants fame by any means necessary is a really interesting character, especially for a movie intended for a younger audience.

This segways nicely into my next compliment; the characters are very memorable and interesting. I like all the dilemmas they had throughout the runtime, and all the subplots are quick to understand and wrap up quite nicely. The basic issue of Miguel's family, the "music is a curse" thing, is handled very very well, without going into too much heavy handed explanation. That's the one thing Pixar is consistently good at (for the most part); even if it's not a good film, it at least tells a story.

There's enough humor to pull the film through the slower opening section. There's some nice humor before Miguel enters the World of the Dead, and when he does enter, there's quite a bit of humor involving skeletons, as one would expect.

I don't really know what else to say. I could sing this film praises as loud as the songs it sings itself (which are all pretty darn great as well), but I think I've made my point. This film is absolutely worth seeing, and I'm really happy Pixar is finally getting their A game back on.

Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer (2007)

They screwed up Galactus. Here's a bunch of reasons why.

[1/10 · 25 November 2017]

I don't even need to talk about anything that happens in the first half, because it's all dumb, boring, and visually looks really bad. The second half is where I wanted to lose hope in humanity.

Around the start of the last half of the movie, they begin to tease Galactus. If you've never read a comic with him in it or never even played Marvel Vs Capcom 3, you probably don't know who that is. In essence, he's a giant man in a blue and purple suit under a big goofy purple helmet. He was once known as Galan in a universe before the prime one in the comics. He somehow survived the death of said Universe and was merged with an entity known as the Sentience of the Multiverse to become Galactus, the Devourer of Worlds, the Monster of All Worlds, The Hunger That Does Not Cease, etc. He's quite possibly my favorite villain in the entire Marvel franchise. You can't even kill him by conventional means. He can only be defeated by using The Ultimate Nullifier, and even then he manages to live on anyways. You can negotiate with him to become his Herald in exchange for your planet's safety, but you literally don't have an afterlife if you do so. And what Galactus hungers for, he takes without question. If your planet is the one he's after, your basically screwed. He's the final boss in Marvel Vs Capcom 3's arcade mode (and UMVC3), and while they did screw up his AI to the point where he's too easy, he still has some of the best lines and one of the best music tracks in the entire game. "You dare pit your mystic arts against the Power Cosmic? ARROGANT FOOL!" -Galactus. I'm just gonna copy and paste a link for the music at the bottom of this review so you can understand what we're dealing with here. Just listening to it without any knowledge of his actual design gives off a menacing vibe. Better still, you can actually play as him in all his glory in Ultimate Marvel Vs Capcom 3! And it might be one of the most fun experiences you'll have in a while. Giant lasers, screen wide punch attacks, one-hit-kills, it's so much fun! God I love that game. Please purchase it! You will not be let down, unlike with this movie.

So you can imagine my disappointment and rage when, in this garbage film, he's just a cloud of smoke.

That's literally it. He's just a cloud of smoke.

They tease his helmet in a scene where he goes over Saturn, and his helmet looks pretty okay. Then he actually arrives at Earth. There's no indication that he even has a helmet. There's no indication that he's even a he. He's just a cloud of "cosmic" vapor. And it kind of looks like a hand when it looms closer to the Earth. I don't- I DON'T KNOW! This is possibly the worst redesign a movie has ever given a villain. At least in Doctor Strange, Dormammu may look really bad compared to his actual comic book design, but they made up for that by having one of the coolest sequences in any movie, maybe ever!

Botched design aside, whatever. Galactus is on Earth, and unless Reed Richards over here wants to give up his afterlife then Earth is about to be torn apart. Get ready for really cool destruction!...

Oh wait, that didn't happen either.

Literally all that happens in the climax where the cloud of smoke draws near is just that; the cloud of smoke draws near, the sky darkens... and that's it. No destruction, nothing cool, just a waste of time. And as Doctor Doom is fighting a powered-up version of The Human Torch, Silver Surfer flies up to stop him. Hah! What an idiot! He's already given up so much, and now he's trying to kill the unkillable!

Oh. It actually worked. He literally threw his Silver Surfer brand Surfboard into the "Heart of Galactus" and blew up. Then Galactus went bye-bye. Wow. Just... wow.

Please don't watch this movie. I don't even have anything else to say. I just... I just really want there to be an actually good version of Galactus in some movie soon. Read up on his history, I'll provide the link. Please do your research on the greatest Marvel villain of all time, and stay far away from this film.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=glT8P09WC3I

http://marvel.wikia.com/wiki/Galactus_(Earth-616)

Justice League (2017)

A little less than decent

[3/10 · 19 November 2017]

At this point I've set the bar low for DC films. I've raised the bar a bit from Wonder Woman and now this film, but it's still pretty low to the ground. I was hit really hard at just how bad Batman Vs Superman got, and Suicide Squad was only mediocre to compensate. Wonder Woman was better than those, but Justice League was supposed to be "The Big One". Like Avengers but DC. Like how Iron Man was a really good Marvel film, then four "meh" films later we got the one of the best Marvel movies to date. But there was no Iron Man level film for DC. So... what happened here?

I can applaud a few things. I think that the story of the film makes sense at the important parts and is easy enough to follow. It is a bit dumb and shaky at points, but if you pay enough attention you can piece everything together.

I think that it's really cool we've gotten to the point in comic book movies where we can make a Justice League film. We aren't just making a Justice League film with no buildup, we actually have a Justice League film with preceding films and films to come out after the fact.

Additionally, I think it's really cool that we finally have cinematic interpretations of Aquaman, The Flash, AND Cyborg. Not with any real buildup (we could have gone without Suicide Squad, which is currently unused in this cinematic universe, and instead gotten one of those three ahead of time), but at the very least we have them. Two out of those three have good casting as well, Aquaman and Cyborg.

Lastly, this movie can be funny at times. It can sustain a laugh or two for a bit longer than a few scenes. There's one scene where Aquaman is tied to the Lasso of Truth without actually showing he's tied to the Lasso of Truth, and that got a laugh out of me.

Positives are over now. Time to get mad.

The Flash in this movie SUCKS. If watched a few episodes of the mostly okay TV series you'll be shocked at how bad they screw him up. The casting couldn't possibly be worse. Little Grievance over here can't act at all. They abridge (I use that term in the same context as the film uses it; that is to say poorly) his backstory so much it borders on offensive. He doesn't work in S.T.A.R Labs, no, in this version he's got his own little man cave, complete with multiple TV screens and boxes of pizza. One TV even has an episode of Rick and Morty on! He's also VERY unfunny. The jokes he has are cringe-levels of bad. The only time you laugh because of him is because his facial expressions are consistently dumb. Also his running animation is bad. I find it outstanding how bad they made him. He straight up ruins just about every scene he's in simply by existing!

Steppenwolf is a very weak villain. From what I can grasp he just wants to take over Earth because he failed doing it in the past, and he needs three Tesseracts I MEAN... Mother Cubes... to do so. His design would have worked so much better as a version of Ares. It would have redeemed the ending of Wonder Woman for me if they had done so.

Speaking of which, the effects aren't very good. Multiple times throughout the film I had to stop and point out to myself, "oh that isn't really there, they aren't really there, that's a really obvious green screen". I don't want to have to do that. If your effects aren't good, sorry, I'm gonna notice. Bad effects in this movie can sometimes ruin a scene or two... or fifteen.

Ultimately, I didn't like this as much as I hoped. I am glad I saw it, and because of the after-credits scene (which I won't give away), plus a thing they tease around midway through (go see it yourself), I'm hopeful for the future. Wait... isn't hope supposed to be something Superman inspires? Damn you DC! You're smarter than all of us give you credit for!

Thor: Ragnarok (2017)

Close enough!

[6/10 · 6 November 2017]

In roughly six months from the time of this review, Infinity War will drop in theaters. Take a moment to think about that; we've gotten to a point where this giant film is possible to make. Now there's only two movies in the way. A Black Panther movie (again, look how far we've come), and this one.

I guess I should digress for a minute. My favorite Marvel films (from the MCU) are Guardians of the Galaxy, Iron Man, Avengers, and Dr. Strange. My least favorites are the two Thor movies. And the only one I haven't seen yet is The Incredible Hulk, but they did write that movie out of existence in the Avengers so I doubt I'm missing much. So I heard this film which shares both Thor and The Hulk is somehow the highest rated Marvel movie of all time, and naturally I'm skeptical. Better than all the rest? Well after actually watching it, I can indeed confirm it is not. It's very fun and funny and completely blows the other Thor movies out of the water, but it's not the ultimate Marvel movie.

There are really good things about this one. There's no pointless Earth shenanigans with Natalie Portman and her friends. There's no more time spent with the extra sidekicks from the other films, they die in the first half-hour or so. There's no over-bloated plot or dumb setup for "something bigger" (there kinda is, but it's in an end credits scene, and that's par for the course). Heck, one of the best scenes in the film is when Hela goes into the Asgardian Treasury and inspects all the relics. She shoves over the Infinity Gauntlet people noticed from the first Thor movie and goes "Fake. Most of the stuff in here is fake anyway." That made me laugh out loud! And I usually don't do that in movies!

The characters are predictably the weakest element of the movie. Thor and Loki and Valkyrie and Hulk are fine. They're as fine as you can get for a movie like this. Hulk was funny, but you expect that from him by this point. When he's not smashing, he's making you laugh. Hela is a really cool villain in both lore and design, but she was kinda underplaying it. She does some cool things and has some of the best scenes in the movie, but she's still all serious in a sequel trying so hard to not be serious. Jeff Goldblum said about 7 billion less Uhs than I thought he would (he has about 15; I counted), but he plays as this weird Willy Wonka style guy that didn't sit well with me. They even use the "Pure Imagination" theme! And everything else in the movie is weak.

I think the real reason I didn't like this movie as much as everyone else clearly did is because I was expecting... something extra. I knew Dr. Strange was gonna be in the movie for a good while before I saw it, but he's in the movie for maybe 2 minutes. Then he's never seen again. And Matt Damon is in the movie! He plays an actor on Asgard portraying Loki's death scene from Thor 2. And that hit me the most, because I really wanted Marvel to put Ghost Rider in the MCU at some pint. And who would play him? None other than Jason Bourne himself. And he's in this movie as a minor character. Which unfortunately means he's not gonna be in the MCU anymore. That got me really sad. And when Thor and the gang go to stop Hela, they call themselves "The Revengers". Uhh... you're clearly DEFENDING Asgard here... maybe call yourself something a bit more accurate... like say THE DEFENDERS (cough cough Marvel start appealing to my wildest fantasies already cough). And then Dr. Strange COULD HAVE beamed himself up to help these Defenders! Wouldn't that have been cool? For Dr. Strange to be in the movie a bit more? Also why wasn't Thanos in the movie? They sort of tease him at the end, but I just needed his face and I would have been happy. Just sneak him in there as Hela's lover or something. Anything is better than nothing!

I enjoyed this movie quite a bit and I do suggest you go see it. I'm bummed at certain parts of it, but the good stuff is certainly enough. It's absolutely better than the other two Thor movies and I'm glad I saw it. But I just wish a bit more was done to make it that tiny bit better.