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jonathangold2003
Reviews
Bar-B-Q (2000)
Without any shadow of a doubt, the worst film ever made by a long margin
Words cannot describe how dreadful this film is. The production and distribution of this film probably rates as the most heinous crime against humanity since the holocaust.
This film was dubbed "US. number one box office smash hit" and "the funniest hip hop movie since Friday" (on the front cover) - the biggest hoax since the "Jack the Ripper Diaries".
How on Earth this film ever made it across the Atlantic into the Blockbusters store in Oxford is the greatest mystery to trouble humankind since the Turin Shroud affair.
The film consists of nothing more than footage of a barbecue. The film-makers clearly weren't in possession of a proper microphone so any conversation is inaudible, drowned out by background noise. Bizarrely, they chose to spend the entire budget on an astroturf stage; wood can be seen protruding from the floor. Why not just use real grass??????????? The only redeeming feature of the film is a fat guy who farts a lot. However, even this started to wear a bit thin after about fifteen minutes of non-stop footage.
Small confession: I still chose to watch it twice!!!!!!!!!
Brokeback Mountain (2005)
Endless stream of gay cowboy-related drivel
At the outset I will confess that I was somewhat apprehensive about watching a film described as an 'astonishing tale of gay cowboy love'. However, having read almost invariably rave reviews about it and, after much persuasion from my girlfriend, I capitulated and gave it a chance. Unfortunately, the experience vindicated my initial apprehension. This film was truly dreadful.
Brief plot: Two cowboys go up a mountain to look after sheep. One stormy night, they bugger each other in a tent. This type of behaviour continues until it is time to come down from the mountain. After this they go their separate ways, both getting married and having children. They then start meeting every so often for elicit romps on the mountain, telling their unfortunate wives that they are going on "fishing trips".
This is the sum total of the film. The film goes on for hours and hours and consists of endless boring dialogue interspersed with some man dancing. I was tempted to hit the stop button to bring an end to the mind-numbing boredom about ten minutes into the film but resisted the urges, clinging on to the desperate hope that something might actually happen - it doesn't.
The point of the film seems to be this: Even manly cowboy types can be gay. Wow! what a revelation. I had always assumed that the vast majority of cowboys were gay anyway. The point is cunningly proved by the juxtapostion of scenes where the protagonists do manly things like fighting, drinking beer and... er... bare back riding with scenes where they kiss and romp. Sometimes, they even combine the two by wrestling (apparently manly of you're American')and being over-affectionate at the same time. Genius! This film left me feeling truly empty. I wasn't shocked or offended by the daring portrayal of the 'taboo' subject matter. I was just bored to tears. The only characters who I felt any sympathy for were the wives who had to put up with their husbands' homosexual philandering.
It would be nice if people would stop lying and pretending that they liked this film for fear of being branded a homophobe and just admitted that it was utter mindless twaddle. It might persuade producers and directors to stop insulting our intelligence with this kind of rubbish and force them to think about story lines and plots. Films aren't there to make points; they're there to entertain. If they make an interesting point as a side effect, then fine. This film didn;t make any point that wasn't utterly trite. You cannot make a bad film good just by making the characters gay! PS. I put that this contains a spoiler to avoid being blacklisted but there really is nothing to spoil
The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (2001)
Most boring film ever made
Brief summary: Bunch of losers team together to chuck ring in mountain. Not impressed by the plot? Don't worry, the dialogue is equally dismal. There is nothing to recommend this film.
The makers of this film should be congratulated for being so faithful to the book. The book was boring and about a thousand pages to long. Accordingly they decided to make the film boring and merely three and a half hours too long. What a stupid story. Acting was pathetic.
What disturbed me particularly about this film is that I get the distinct impression that people (actors, directors, audiences etc.) actually take it seriously. This film seems to have made it socially acceptable for otherwise sane people to admit in public that they have an interest in orcs, goblins, wizards etc. Previuosly this kind of thing was restricted to geeks scuttling home from games workshop to get back in time for star trek. Now loads of people claim to like this stupid book/film. Possibly, they think it has a hidden message particularly in these 'post 9/11 days'. It doesn't.
PS. If I were a dwarf, I would be very insulted by the suggestion just because I am small, I have to live underground and be Scottish.
Don't Look Now (1973)
Well made but requires explanation
This would have been a very good film but for the total lack of explanation at the end. Who was the freak dwarf at the end? Why does Sutherland see his own funeral before it happens? Why do all of the characters behave so suspiciously? I watched the interviews on the DVD and no explanation was forthcoming. The director waffled on about rationality and coincidence and the fact that they filmed the opening scene in a swimming pool. Who cares? This is undeniably a beautiful and atmospheric film but the storyline is utterly pointless and there are many pointless scenes; for example the famous love scene - one of the most repulsive and unnecessary scenes I have ever had the misfortune of watching - featuring lots of Sutherland's wrinkly butt.
Most of this film is a fastforward.
The Devil's Rejects (2005)
Vile and demented... very good
If you're into sick horror movies such as Texas Chainsaw Massacre, then you will enjoy this film. If not then don't watch it as I am frankly surprised that this film was ever given a certificate.
It's not really a horror film at all in that it isn't particularly scary. It is really a catalogue of gratuitous, graphic and relentless violence. The protagonists are a bunch of the most fowl mouthed deviant psychopathic rednecks ever to grace the big screen. The good guy - the sheriff - is merely a psychopath. They kill and mutilate various people for no particular reason and then he takes revenge on them in a most appropriate fashion. Indeed it is hard to say what merit this film has at all except that it is highly enjoyable if you're into that kind of film. Be warned that this is not for gore film virgins. Do not watch unless you have watched the likes of Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 and enjoyed it as this film is significantly sicker.
Atomic Train (1999)
Extraordinarily bad and very funny
This is a very long film and I would have to write a book about it to do it justice. Instead, I have decided to make a few observations about particular aspects of the film which amused me.
a) John Seger (Rob Lowe) - It is abundantly clear from the moment this character appears that he is destined to become the hero of the film on the basis of his good looks. Unfortunately, he does absolutely nothing to justify his status as the hero. For no reason, he, a train wreck investigator, is airlifted onto a moving train with a nuclear weapon on board. He then proceeds to do nothing to prevent the impending disaster. The director is so desperate to make him look like a hero that, in one extraordinary scene, he stands at the front of the train pulling faces and shouting as if this is going to slow the train down. Nevertheless his pointless antics earn him a phone call from the President of the USA (no less) who congratulates him presumably for being the best looking guy on the train. Needless to say, the train driver and various mechanics, who have risked their lives making genuine efforts to stop the train, receive no thanks at all - after all - they're ugly.
b) Interestingly the nuke actually goes off in this film and, as one would expect, all of the main characters survive the blast.
c) Watch out for the moment where it is announced on a large TV screen in Denver that a bomb is destined for the city. Instantaneously, people start throwing dustbins through shop windows and stealing TVs... why???? This film is hilarious and I would recommend it to anyone who enjoys train movies as a genre.
Night Train to Venice (1993)
Incomprehensible, dreadful and strangely amusing
This is in my top five worst movies of all time. This film caused me to ask myself many questions, the main one being, why would anyone invest time and money in producing such a stupid film. Bizarrely, it featured some fairly reputable actors. I can only guess they were on crack at the time.
I could discern no coherent plot and have no idea why a girl jumps out of the window at the end. Even more bizarrely, after she jumps out of the window and Hugh manages to catch her (quite miraculously) everybody smiles and the triumphant music begins. Wasn't anyone worried about why a young girl should want to jump out of a window??? In case you watched the beginning and switched it off, as I regret not having done, and you are wondering, who was the Malcolm Macdowell character? No explanation is ever given. He pops up every now and then with an intriguing expression on his face.
The only redeeming feature of this film is that you can have a laugh at the clever techniques used to prolong the film making it up to an astonishing 1 hour and twenty minutes. For example: - lots of pointless slow motion shots with gay music -Hugh and the woman make love at least four times and he kisses her breasts on every occasion. (what kind of mother has sex with a stranger in a train while her daughter is asleep presumably in the same carriage)? - Shots of Macdowell's face every few minutes This film is so bad you should probably watch it