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Fast & Furious Presents: Hobbs & Shaw (2019)
2 movies - one okay; one really, really bad
Okay - this looked SOOOO good - and on balance it has some fairly decent action scenes- but Hollywood has to recognize that Jason Statham is not in the same league as someone like Iko Uwais or Yayan Ruhian and either start doing the shaky camera thing with his fight scenes - or give him much less martial artsy scenes. He looks like an old man in a bar fight for most of the movie.
The Rock is actually really good - but once again - our dialogue is provided by the new millennial and delivered in a script that has clearly gone through "sensitivity" editors. The Plot is extremely disjointed - and they really struggle to sew the whole thing together.
The WORST thing though - is that about half way through it basically becomes another movie - and that's basically a live version of Moana - and it's depressingly poor. I left the cinema when the Rock started doing his Samoan speech. I assume they all then launch into a Haka or the Siva Tau - didn't stay around long enough to see it.
For the most part - the acting is sort of bearable - but labors around an increasingly poor script - the kind where you can tell the writers think they are being really clever - but they lack the social skill or maturity to understand what makes people laugh so you just have these awkward Kevin Hart type moments that just annoy.
Idrs Elba saves every scene he is in and if he is NOT earmarked to play the next James Bond then the Broccolis should be utterly ashamed of themselves. He delivers every line perfectly - despite the poor quality of the writers - and makes a solid and thorouhly unlikable bad guy. Although the confusion on his face as an actor when he is in scenes that clearly should be reserved for the cloak and dagger baddie the Director (who if they were smart - they will not have revealed as being Agent Loeb until we get to the inevitable sequel). I missed the end of the film - but I know the bad guy gets defeated and Hobbs and Shaw end up primed for a sequel. Overall - I would give this a huge miss. Idris Elba and his motorcycle actually steal the entire movie.
I would definitely recommend waiting until this appears on Netflix if you feel you really MUST watch it.
Aquaman (2018)
Well at least they tried
Dear lord - from Amber Heard's terrible acting and wig SO obvious you can actually see the lace front hairline; through to the horrifically overacted EVERYTHING that is Nicole Kidman - this movie is any unmitigated disaster.
Yeah - we get it - Ya read the legend of King Arthur and thought you'd base the whole movie around it complete with jousting, rightful king and all that goes along with it.
Jason Mamoa is actually the very best thing about this - taking on an absolutely abysmal script and somehow still making Aquaman seem cool.
Big budget special effects - so that's kinda cool - hence the two stars - but other than that - this is definitely a kid's movie. They should have employed the writers of Shrek, Toy Story or a docen other movies to write this instead. So overall, casting was an absolute joke; script (like Inception and Batman Begins) tries WAY too hard to be clever and just fails miserably (it's like watching 5 unrelated episodes of "Aquaman The Series" back to back.); the badly cast actors all overact their roles and are supported by some terribly poor acting - and WTF happened to Nicole Kidman and Willem Dafoe's faces?!?!? Did y'all think that would look good? It's like when they colorized movies and posters back in the 1980s - NO!! it does not look realistic.
Next generation of movies people - CGI'ing real actors faces to try and make them look younger......just fail.
This would be a good movie to watch at home with the kids - but save your cinema money for something better
Sicario: Day of the Soldado (2018)
basically what happens to movies when liberals get a hold of it
Crap - complete insult to the original which was outstanding
Violet & Daisy (2011)
not the worst movie ever -- but close
two of the most ineffective "assassins" in history in a plot that completely rips off the first 2 mons of pulp fiction. 3:19 seconds in to watching them fire about 1000 rounds from unsilenced guns into a guy (instead of just shooting him in the head) and I gave up. If this filmhas any redeeming qualities - I will be surprised - but based on the first 3m 20s - it's truly truly awful. Last movie I saw that was SO bad I gave up in under 10 mins was Suicide Squad - so it's WORSE than that!!!!!
Keeping Up with the Joneses (2016)
Keeping up with the Laughs
Thankfully - we have the utter disaster of a movie that was "Mr & Mrs Smith" as a baseline for this movie - although I personally found it more in line with "The Whole Nine Yards".
Now it's probably no secret that too many people who do reviews take themselves WAY too seriously and seem to think that everyone who reads their review will consider them to have been the center of their universe for a few minutes (newsflash - watch the yelp episode of southpark - that's you - exactly you) - but I kind of expected people to cut this movie the slack it much desperately needs. Reviewers seem to be utterly incensed that this is not some uber slick Jason Bourne effort; but those same reviewers ranked both "Skyfall" (the truly first ever raping of the James Bond Franchise) and "Inception" (one of the worst movies ever made) rather highly - and really only showing there is no accounting for taste.
This is a lighthearted, funny af movie with an EXCEPTIONALLY solid cast, direction and production. It's let down by some glaringly poor continuity and editing - but that's the only reason I am not giving it a solid 10. Now let me explain something - I cannot STAND Zack Gandalfushallnotpassius or whatever his name is - I still want a full refund for the 1h 30m of my life spent watching him attempt to act in "the Hangover" - but he totally owns this movie. Gal Gadot and Jon Hamm are literally two of the best casting decisions made in a movie in a long time. It does not have to be Oscar worthy to be good casting. They are not only polished - but they are believable. They could do with being a bit more "bad-ass" but it's hard to say more about that without giving away spoilers.
Isla Fisher was new to me - but I loved her. She's cute and sassy, but carries her character very very well indeed. Second only to Zack - her performance was superb.
This is not a sleek, intellectual thriller - if that's what you want - watch the Odessa Files, or Bourne - or Bond (but obviously before Barbara Broccoli turned it into an utterly crap franchise) - it's not an action packed explosions/car chase filled movie - it's dry humor delivered with impeccable style. Reviewers need to learn how to look at a movie for what it is and review it that way - rather than review it for what they thought it would be like.
Pros: it's slick and moves at a great pace. It has a predictable plot that leaves you with no illusions of grandeur - there is nothing to figure out - this movie does it all for you. Beautifully I might add. Great acting - tons of laughs if you don't expect Katt Williams levels of comedic genius. Gal Gadot in lingerie. Isla Figher In lingerie.
Cons: it's slightly bereft of any really cool action scenes. Having the spies be utterly impeccable would have been a really good idea - but they are kinda just smartish - run of the mill types. Some of the plot line makes very little sense - but this is not a proposition for Wittgenstein - so really who cares if this spy-comedy is a little plot thin? Continuity/editing is awful in one very particular spot.
Totally unnecessary - but utterly welcome extra Pro: This movie has Gal Gadot in it. In lingerie.
Let me restate that: *clears throat* Gal fricking Gadot - in fricking lingerie!! That's an automatic 4 or 5 stars.
It also has Isla Fisher in Lingerie - but seriously people Gal Gadot In lingerie!
I highly recommend this movie. It's a "lay on the couch with your significant other eating popcorn and drinking red wine" type of movie. And that's just fine by me :)
Jack Reacher: Never Go Back (2016)
Don't even go there in the first place - let alone go back
"They Live" - but without Roddy Piper, and with a lower caliber of acting.
The final fight scene between Reacher and the Baddie is SO bad and SO overacted it's like watching an amateur WWE fight; in 1990; while sober; in your basement; while your mom does laundry.
I don't understand the point of this attempted franchise: Washed up ex-military guy gets involved in military stuff despite constantly professing how ex-military he is; to help military personnel despite constantly professing how ex-military he is and and jumps on board the causes of people he doesn't know from Jack (that pun is actually better than the whole movie btw) - for absolutely no reason?? The Jack Reacher concept is a SINGLE "made for TV" movie at best - certainly not Bourne or Bond movie franchise worthy.
Trust me, watch "Basic" instead - it has Sam Jackson and Giovanni Ribisi - is the same concept pretty much; has the same crap acting (Travolta and Nielson *shudder*) - but with the added benefit of having Rosalyn Sanchez in it throughout.....
Eliminators (2016)
Incomprehensibly Bad
I suffered throughout this disaster of a movie right up until the point where, with absolutely no danger presented to his daughter and clearly open shots on both the man and the woman standing IN FRONT of the child (no, there was no gun to the child's head; no knife to her throat; no cliff behind her leaving her precariously balanced and in danger of falling; no poison in her system and only the two villains have the antidote - the kid is on a couch, in the living room, with the two villains presenting no danger - and dad has the drop on the both) - he lowers his gun for some utterly inexplicable reason. I turned it off at that point and really have zero interest in what happens next...
Make no mistake, from the awful opening 1980's "look at my muscles" shots on a Scott Adkins who looks like he's about to make gay porn instead of get dressed for work (in a pseudo Nazi-esque uniform) through to the point above (where I turned it off) this is an utterly dismal movie.
Someone reviewed this travesty and said :"it's Scott Adkins so you can expect lousy acting" - to be honest, I am still waiting for acting that makes it even close to the "lousy" bar.
Add in an inexplicably crap hit-man (trained at MI6 - but about as useful as penis flavored lollypop in a lesbian bar) and the exact same martial arts move over and over again (Oh look - a roundhouse kick..... *yawn*) the only thing left to save this "movie" would have been an intense, lingerie heavy, erotic, girl on girl scene between the female baddie extra and the female goodie social worker extra - but sadly, the closest this trash gets to anything even remotely that exciting is an implication that the female baddie extra shoots the female goodie social worker extra when she's unconscious (you can't see if she actually does because the bad guy is Santa Clausing himself up the stairs and he's about the width of Manhattan ( in a "Santa Claus needs to eat WAY fewer cookies" way not in a "wow - the Rock has really been working out!!" way.))
Avoid. I guarantee you the reviews for the movie are far more entertaining than the movie itself. Worst thing is - the plot has been tried and tested thousands of times - it is SUPER hard to get it wrong. The morons who made this crap succeeded ONLY in achieving that dubious accolade.
Der letzte Zug (2006)
Utter Masterpiece
This is a very difficult movie to watch. I had to turn it off more than once to compose myself and remind myself that although this is reality - I am just watching a movie.
The acting is utterly utterly flawless. The subject matter harrowing and poignant. The script is without equal. I really feel this movie makes other masterpieces like Schindler's List pale by comparison. It's hard to try and review something like this - but I think that it is a largely unnoticed movie is shameful.
I would recommend this to anyone and part of me feels Europe would fair better if it abolished the laws prohibiting revisionism and made this movie mandatory school viewing instead.
Cannot rate it highly enough. An utterly amazing movie with zero faults.
The Accountant (2016)
Too many O's in the title.
In general, I tend to trust IMDb reviewers - but this is one movie where I think they have it spectacularly wrong.
Much Like "John Wicke" (a travesty of a movie) this has a great concept - but it's let down by arguably some of the worst casting decisions in movie history; a terrible script; totally non-sensical situations; abysmally predictable resolutions and the growing trend in Horrorwood to try and be clever and avant garde - but fail miserably in the process (ref: Batman,Inception, James Bond etc). Contrasting the savant of Geoffrey Rush in "Shine", Hoffman in "Rainman" or DiCaprio in "What's Eating Gilbert Grape?" - leaves Ben Affleck with a long legacy of superb acting to live up to - and he simply does not make the effort. This left me instantly instantly let down by his poor attempt at conveying a precise and seasoned killer with high functioning Asperger's syndrome. It's a bit like watching Costner's Robin Hood - you know how Costner starts off for the first 3 mins trying to do an English accent - and then just simply abandons it to play Kevin Costner instead? Well that. That's what Affleck achieves here. What Ben Affleck does well in this movie is play Ben Affleck. That's about it.
I cannot - cannot - fathom why on earth they do not cast Haley Bennett as the accounta-clerk-something-or-other who kicks the whole thing off - but one thing is for certain - if there was ANY doubt in anyone's mind that Anna Kendrick cannot act...like.at.all - this drivel must put paid to that debate. Her performance is utterly un-compelling - she comes across as a high school senior -a very, very annoying high school senior who got the part because daddy is in the industry or something (use your imagination here.) She does not present a convincing Anna Kendrick - let alone a convincing nerdy accountancy type.
The Plot holes and inconsistencies are pretty much the only truly consistent thing about this movie - for example - and rather remarkably - despite conveying the concept that the accounts the accountant deals with are insanely complex - Kendrick's character inexplicably unravels the plot as quickly as Affleck's alleged super genius does. Add in the very simple fact that her character is utterly extraneous to the entire movie - you could literally remove her from the whole movie and it would still work out pretty much the same - it was just a disastrous piece of casting for a terrible role of little value to the ensemble.
BUT - it is a phenomenal flashback movie!! If you don't mind being force-fed background in flashback after flashback after flashback after flashbac...you get the idea - then this is THE movie for you. Very, very few of the flashbacks (and flashbacks make up most of the movie really) are even remotely needed - or add anything at all the film. They are just lame padding for an incredibly weak script.
The only real piece of entertainment in the whole show is the 1980s approach to the plot - "uselessness for 1h 50m - cram the entire plot explanation into the last 3 mins" - that and the fact that you will, I promise you, finish the movie questioning 90% of the decisions made by 100% of the cast. Nothing makes sense in this respect. I sat with my mouth open at the end of the movie with a "how stupid do you think they public are?" look on my face - the decisions made by the characters are THAT ridiculous.
I try never to review a movie that leaves spoilers - so I can't even get into the nitty-gritty of what makes this such a hideous movie. Now - if you go into it with the above in mind - you will enjoy the movie. If someone had said to me - "think John Wicke levels of utter rubbish, but with some idiot casting Anna Kendrick in an effort to make it worse" - I would have enjoyed the movie immensely - my expectations would have been low enough. But I like Ben Affleck and thought it couldn't possibly be as bad as Reeves' John Wicke (or *shudder* Affleck's Daredevil) - but it truly, truly was.
It's not "Intelligent"; it's not well acted; it's not a "great" script - it's not even a passable C movie. It has some adequate action scenes (hence the rating of 2) - but for the most part - it drags, it sucks and you should avoid it all costs.
The ludicrous, airy-fairy resolution of two of the supporting cast will leave you hating this movie. If the above issues don't already do that.
And no - not even John Lithgow could save it.
The Magnificent Seven (2016)
Unlike Denzel - many reviewers missed the mark on this total gem
People getting bent out of shape about "only the minorities" surviving missed the deaths of at least 2 minorities in this movie (and those that make their review about this anyway need to get a life or a job.) This movie is superb! It's no Seven Samurai - and nor does it aspire to be. It's Denzel Washington playing a god damn 19th century cowboy!!! this is literally THE best thing since Hollywood put 30ft robots kicking the crap out of each other alongside Megan Fox on the big screen in a movie so epic - we didn't even notice how bad shia labeouf was!!
Get over your bigotry people - movie kicks ass - has zero faults for what it is. Watch it - watch it immediately!
Oh - and it has Haley Bennett. Let me restate that - Haley Bennett!!
Haley Bennett and Denzel Washington - in the wild west - with Vincent D'Onofrio and Ethan Hawke - how much more WIN do you need???