johng-90893 Reviews

Arctic Air (2012–2014)

Are you serious?

[3/10 · 12 September 2023]

Adam Beach is so bad it makes me almost angry that someone made the decision to put him on my screen. There is no getting past it no matter how much you try. How can an "actor" be so inept? How bad is he? You know those awkward commercials with sports stars where they can't say their lines even after 100 takes? He's worse than those guys. Absolutely brutal.

As for the rest of it, the scenery is the only reason to watch. Maybe with the sound off? Everyone else seems decent enough I guess, but it only seems that way because you are so relieved the scene doesn't have that clown it it. Problem is, he is in nearly every scene.

Don't waste your time hoping it will get better. It actually gets worse.

Alien Code (2018)

Suffers from low budget but not in the typical ways

[5/10 · 9 April 2023]

I had a hard time making it all the way through this movie. I usually like these kinds of films and I understand their limitations going into it.

While I understand how hard it is to keep audiences engaged when there are few sets, few characters, etc., this movie doesn't really suffer from those things. It just doesn't have a story that merits a full length movie.

The vast majority of the film is spent filling time and really doesn't add to the plot, answer any questions, add intrigue, or contribute to any other desirable outcome. It really just belabors the same point.

You know those jokes that are too long and that's part of the cringe of it? The joke teller delights in having your attention. This film starts to delve into that territory for me.

This could have worked as a short, but it gets tedious in this format. Very tedious. It had promise, but just not enough interest.

6 stars for decent, albeit over-dramatic performances. Decent use of budget. 4 stars for entertainment value.

Mrs. Harris Goes to Paris (2022)

Rare modern movie with charm

[8/10 · 9 April 2023]

A feel good movie that restores an iota of faith in humanity when we could desperately use it.

It has it's flaws, but this is a movie that will appeal to anyone that enjoys the charm of classic movies that is so often lost in current productions.

Like most classic movies, you have to let a touch of reason go and venture into the realm of fantasy. If you are one of those "that could never happen in real life" people, this movie isn't for you.

My wife apologized before we watched it, thinking of it as a "chick flick". I disagree.

That is if you are open to a little restoration of that faith in humanity previously mentioned.

I doubt you will regret giving this film the chance it deserves.

Keep Breathing (2022)

Brutal Flashbacks sink this

[4/10 · 20 March 2023]

If you plan to watch this, it can be improved dramatically by fast forwarding through each and every flashback. Just stop forwarding when you see trees.

After enduring a handful of them the flashbacks began to elicit the same emotional reaction ads would.

Her love interest was irritating. The main character is irritating. Her mother was irritating. On purpose, I might add. The point the writers were trying to make escapes me completely.

This will be the longest three hour "movie" you've ever watched or maybe a serviceable hour and half "movie" if you trust me and skip all of the flashbacks.

Dark (2017–2020)

Awesome but you must know what kind of viewer you are before enjoying this

[9/10 · 29 January 2022]

This review is through Season 1, and I loved it.

Dark has one of the most complex plots I've ever seen, and yes, you will be confused. But I see a lot of other reviews that assume this is a bad thing.

I just have to ask...do they understand what a mystery is?

Because folks, by the very definition you don't know what is going on until you do.

If you are one of those people that can't handle not getting everything that is happening in real time, just skip this show. And for ffs don't post a review about how you watched two episodes and think your opinion about it matters. This should be obvious. It should also be obvious that if you are reviewing the dubbed version it's a joke. This show requires a level of patience and maturity to appreciate. You know if you fit the bill.

So, if you like an ambitious show that makes you ponder, this is about as good a mind bender as there is out there. All time travel enthusiasts should appreciate this or perhaps they are not time travel enthusiasts.

The Staircase (2004–2018)

Ridiculously biased and frustrating to watch, but still fascinating

[7/10 · 13 January 2022]

It is simply not possible to overstate how one sided and biased the series was. Yet despite all efforts to tell a story about "injustice" and showcase the shortcomings of the legal justice system, it is abundantly clear that he is guilty. He is so guilty that not even a purely defense biased presentation, nor a million dollar defense, can convince anyone, jury or viewers, otherwise.

This is not a documentary, it is reality TV. Admittedly, it is fascinating to watch despite its obvious flaws.

What you see is a murderous pure narcissist basking in a spotlight in a manner than is as revolting as the murder itself. His defense attorney and "dream team" were incompetent on so many levels it is almost as funny as it is frustrating for its utter lack of common sense. Just as one example, a fair amount of time was spent listening to a blood spatter "expert" say that the blood spatter on the wall was caused by the victim breathing and spitting blood onto a wall when there is a crime scene photo of the victim with no blood around her mouth. Seriously? Is this some kind of joke? I could go on.

The series (and the defense) would have you believe that a person can fall down three steps and get seven deep lacerations in her scalp. The utter lack of respect for common sense physics is staggering. You find yourself screaming at the TV on dozens of occasions. And they conveniently leave out an overwhelming amount of evidence in the hope that you the viewer will not make up your mind about his innocence so that you keep watching.

The dishonesty, phoniness, and delusion of the enablers of the murderous narcissist is really hard to watch. You hear statements like "we don't know what really happened, we just know he didn't do it" without ever offering ANY kind of explanation for how he could not have done it.

There is a tremendous amount of complete BS coming from the major players in this farce of a documentary. Basically you end up hating everyone, for cause, except the sisters and daughter of the victim. The takeaway is not at all what the producers hope for, but they get lucky that it ends up being entertaining nonetheless.

The Outcasts (2017)

Trying way too hard and embarrassing for all concerned

[3/10 · 1 June 2021]

I congratulated my dog for writing this movie, whereby he immediately barked offense. It was my best guess nonetheless.

Three stars because the cast isn't terrible.

I'd be shocked if each and every one of them hasn't tried to go back in time and save themselves from this utter embarrassment.

Abominable (2006)

I am offended at the average rating for this ridiculousness

[1/10 · 15 December 2020]

5.1???????

This steaming pile of utter nonsense is an embarrassment to all involved no matter how bad things have turned for them in their lives. If I were them, I don't care what contract was signed, I would sue to prevent my name being in the credits.

I admit I did laugh a couple of times. Zero credit, however, is given to this absurdly bad offering; I might have laughed randomly at that moment if I were staring at the wall, pondering every bad decision I've made in my life, like watching this.

My wife saw three seconds of it and you could see her opinion of me drop like my dignity had gone over Niagara Falls.

It's hard to come back from these kinds of embarrassments, so if you insist on watching this, make sure you can deny it ever happened.

P.S. You'll notice I never called it a film

Away (2020)

Not everything with a space theme is made for Sci-Fi fanboys

[7/10 · 24 September 2020]

The people that watch 20 minutes and give it one star are seriously off base. I see a lot of complaints about how it isn't accurate, it isn't sci -fi, etc.

Who said it has to be? Not everything with a space setting is meant to satisfy the Comic-Con crowd.

So, since the the one star reviewers feel that the world should conform to them, they trash it and I guess feel better about themselves?

I don't understand...if a show isn't for you, you don't have to trash it...just don't watch and go find something else. Seems pretty simple to me. Is this the best show ever made? Not even close. Would people that like the drama of personal struggles and good acting like it? I think they would.

It's worth a look if you aren't psycho about your sci-fi. Just like anything ever produced, you're supposed to use your imagination and go with the story that's being told, not complain that their communications are too clear, real astronauts wouldn't behave this way, etc. Some people really need to grow up.

The Last House on the Left (1972)

There are no words to describe how bad this is, but I'll try

[1/10 · 27 June 2020]

I could attach a camera to a toilet bowl for 24 hours, and using only that footage, make a better film than this. It could then also serve as a review.

I'm convinced that the people that give this film credit for being groundbreaking, important, or otherwise entertaining are unhinged. And I say that not because I am sensitive to the material...not at all. I say that because this "film" touts the shock value of pushing what could be in an R rated movie and then wraps it in an utterly ridiculous, moronic, juvenile, and unfunny attempt to be "so bad it's good." It takes literally zero skill to do this...anyone can do this. Like my toilet bowl for example.

I cannot emphasize this enough...the kind of groundbreaking and historically important film that people say this is should instead go to something like the Exorcist, which is still one of the most disturbing films ever made. This film should not be mentioned in the same breath, so shame on me.

But if you want to question all of your life choices or start an existential crisis, then by all means give it a go.

A Simple Favor (2018)

Was a 7 for most of the film then it became a 3

[3/10 · 20 June 2020]

In any movie with a mystery element, it's a good thing when you don't know what is happening and want to know more. That is unless you get to the end and you find out that the reason you didn't know what was going on was that it didn't make sense.

The last 15 or so minutes of this movie transformed it from a potentially solid film to a dad punchline. The character motivations were all over the place, the plot didn't make sense, and the story was completely unbelievable. Blake Lively's character was utterly ridiculous...real people simply don't act this way.

As a comedy, it is never funny or even amusing. As a mystery, it is bewildering rather than intriguing. As a drama, there isn't much actual drama except for a few scenes.

This is a classic example of a film that tries too hard to be quirky and blend genres, but the end result is failure in all of them. It needed tweaks that it didn't get, and they were really important tweaks.

This movie could've been good, but it feels like they thought that would be blasé.

Rebel Without a Cause (1955)

Does not play today at all

[3/10 · 11 June 2020]

This is not a good film in 2020. Find a real classic movie and save yourself some angst that is supposedly portrayed in the movie.

The characters are comically unbelievable and the dialogue is borderline ridiculous. While there were nominations for the acting, in reality it was over-acted. It's not that deep, folks. Don't give credit where none is due.

I'm convinced that the only reason people love it is the cool presence of James Dean and the mystique surrounding the tragic early ends of it main cast.

James Dean, in a very strange way, is what actually makes this movie so bad. He is completely unbelievable in the role he was cast. His character is supposed to be struggling, but he spends most of the movie looking like he was posing in a cigarette ad. It's as bad a casting/acting/directing job as I've ever seen. It makes zero sense.

I know I'm supposed to like this movie, but I for the life of me cannot understand why anyone likes it. I understand it meant something when it came out, but it has not aged well at all, and whatever groundbreaking purpose it served is no longer evident.

Other than fodder for some classic movie posters, this is a miss in almost every way you measure a film for quality.

Unless of course you just like wishing you were as cool as James Dean.

Uncanny (2015)

An excruciatingly long joke where you know the punchline

[2/10 · 29 May 2020]

This is seriously one of the most boring movies I've ever seen. If I had even an ounce of self respect I would have turned it off half-way through, but I kind of wanted to see how bad it actually was. My fears were confirmed.

I'm not joking when I say this...for approximately one full hour, nothing happens that furthers the plot. It just keeps saying the same thing over and over, and you got it in the first two minutes.

I guessed the "twist" about five minutes into the film. The rest of the time was redeemable only for the hotness of the girl, which is where the two stars come from.

If you get sucked in by the trailer, I don't blame you. If you watch it all the way to the end, I salute you.

Manifest Destiny Down: Spacetime (2019)

Entertaining and goofy

[7/10 · 24 May 2020]

If you are tired of being depressed by supposed comedies that end up being heavy, give this romp a try.

This movie looks profoundly stupid on the surface, but I believe a lot of thought went into this film. The satire/spoof meter pegs throughout. If it's dumb, consider it may be dumb on purpose (the physics concepts are all on point). Whether or not this entertains you is up to you and your mood. Cheap amusement is still amusement, and if you pay attention, there's some not so cheap stuff too.

It is riddled with misses, but I didn't mind them as I was nonetheless entertained. The movie's story and characters have the same kind of depth as a Carrot Top routine, but I could watch Lexie Lowell all day.

I liked this movie. It won't hurt you to try it for a few minutes at least and see if it floats your boat. You'll know after about 10 minutes what you're in for. If nothing else, it can be a talking point to lift a dull conversation as a non-boring, non-cookie cutter carnival ride.

The Chumscrubber (2005)

The absurdity and emptiness of life's pursuits in a dark frame

[9/10 · 22 April 2020]

I can imagine that some people will hate this film. However, this would not give me pause to recommend it. It is important to find out because these kinds of films are hard to come by.

It is occasionally amusing and more than a little depressing, but at the same time does an excellent job of satirizing the priorities of desperate people. Everyone is so busy drowning in their own self-obsessed pools that they have no balance or true purpose. We all know people who are like this, and thus the caricatures turn out to be portraits. People in real life actually are as crazy as they are in the film but are maybe just a little better at hiding it.

The film's oddball unfolding is in direct contrast of the true depth of the film and the superior, well thought out script. It seems random, but it is nothing of the sort. It was the kind of wtf that is entertaining rather than off-putting.

Give this a try, it could be a hidden gem for some. It certainly was for me.

96 Souls (2016)

This is a waste of time that could be spent watching weeds grow

[1/10 · 30 March 2020]

I could go into a long diatribe as to why this has candidacy for the worst movie ever made. Part of me wants to, but I fear you would stop reading, and the risk that you do is too great. If this review saves even one person from watching this film, then it is my civic duty to write it.

Just use your imagination about what makes a movie satisfying and then remove all of those things. Think like reconstituted powdered mashed potatoes made with water and no salt.

Some people enjoy entertainingly bad films, but imo this has no value on that front either.

This is a film that could be used to show what not to do, particularly in the writing, acting, directing, and special effects areas. You could teach an entire class based on the analysis of what makes this film bad.

I actually feel sorry for whomever made this film. I hope you find joy in something else in this life because you have zero aptitude in film-making. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but you wasted my time and mislead me.

Frances Ferguson (2019)

If you suffer the world, this movie is for you

[9/10 · 11 March 2020]

Anyone that doesn't get this movie doesn't get the absurdity of modern society, behavioral norms, relationships, or crime and punishment.

This movie should be an instant classic for anyone with a cynical view of the world. If you do not feel the plight of the admittedly flawed main character, I cannot relate to you and probably envy you.

This is a highly enjoyable film that makes you think about how difficult it is to cope with the pointless and relentless stream of subtle wrongs in the world. Often the result culminates in an foolish act that defines you more than it really should. It is funny because it is in perfect tune with how painful the world can be for those that "get it" that are surrounded by those that don't.

It raises many questions for the independent thinkers, not he least of which is: How is a victim-less crime viewed as worse than the wake of misery left by selfish people?

This film is not for everyone. But it just might be the perfect litmus test to see if you and I can get along.

13 Reasons Why (2017–2020)

Wondering if some people get it

[9/10 · 23 April 2017]

This show is an absolute classic exploration of human frailty and desperation.

Those that say this show is horrible really perplex me. The reasons I have seen given lead me to believe that a lot of those people are not watching the show for the right reasons.

1) If you are about instant gratification, move on. 2) If you think that TV shows have ANY kind of moral responsibility, then move on. They don't. They are TV shows, not public service announcements. 3) Rape has been derided as being not a big enough "surprise" to people, that the ending was a letdown. What were you expecting exactly? What ending would you have written? 4) This show is all about subtlety. If you do not appreciate subtlety, move on. 5) If you like perfect protagonists, move on.

The show has flawed plot points and flimsy inference at times. But they key is that those things do not matter when the focus is on the struggling human characters and the stupid, desperate things they do. Nitpicking the motivations of the teenage characters is folly...teenagers do completely insane things for the stupidest of reasons. I didn't find it hard to believe the characters at all.

This is really important to understand...it is not whether the characters should have reacted to a certain stimulus differently, it only matters how they DID react. Getting really upset over a downed stop sign is weak, but the truth is, the entirety of high school is about getting upset over things that don't really matter very much, and these kids are dealing with some very adult problems.

Yes, sometimes it is much, but the acting is superb, the story engaging, and the feel is very real and very dramatic. The show should make you feel something, and if it doesn't, then I am frankly really confused as to what kind of show you would put in its place to make that happen. Go watch the Fast and the Furious I guess.

This show does NOT suck like many have claimed. Pretty hard to please I would say.