edw1976 Reviews

The Portrait (I) (2023)

What Did I Just Watch?

[2/10 · 5 May 2024]

I thought I'd go to sleep more than once during this film. Halfway in, I realized the film was only 90 minutes long, though I felt like I'd been sitting there for two hours or more as it were.

The lead seemed miscast. A favor must have been called in, because Ryan, Virginia, and Mark are well-established famous names. The lead girl? Never heard of her. Maybe she's a star in another country.

The story keeps you guessing and never answers any questions. Do people just keep buying portraits of dead family members to replace the dying loved ones they currently have? What's all that about?

Two stars for the three actors mentioned above, as they all performed fantastically. Heck, Ryan got a great gig because he didn't have to learn more than three of four words/lines in the whole thing. Talk about winning the lottery.

"What's my motivation?" he may have asked.

"You're getting paid to just look pissed off and cradle your right arm." "I'm in!"

I could see it.

Midsommar (2019)

Hilarious & Stupid Mixed Together

[1/10 · 5 February 2024]

So these 20-somethings go on a trip to Sweden, join a cult through the one friend who "belongs" there, and here we go.

The crew soon gets murdered one by one, but OH! The girl wins a contest of who can do the Maypole dance the longest without falling down.

Meanwhile, her boyfriend is forced to have sex with one of the nuts who lives there (he's under the influence of whatever potion they mix). Ole girl sees it happening through a key hole, then decided she'll offer him as a sacrifice for cheating on her.

That's about it as far as the plot goes. Poor guy didn't stand a chance. The least they could have done was have him bang a hot guy instead. Skip this one. It's laughable and not the least bit scary at all. I only wish the main character had been lit up and burned alive in her big ole flower monstrosity they had her dolled up in. You just want to hate her by the end of this. I know I did.

Last the Night (2022)

Great Performance

[10/10 · 31 January 2024]

...by Brian Austin Green. The only thing that would have made the movie better is if he'd shot them all and gotten away with it at the end. Other than that, it's a waste of time.

Writers should come up with original ideas. Things that don't always end up with someone being saved or happily ever afters. Sometimes, in horror movies, the girl doesn't have to last till the end.

Oh well, maybe next time. There's always Saw and a few others who step out of the box (so to speak). Brian should definitely star in more dark thrillers. This one was one in which he definitely shined. Great casting. A+++

Fellow Travelers (2023)

Enough

[1/10 · 27 January 2024]

I lived through the AIDS crisis and to be honest, even I am sick of every gay movie revolving around the loss of someone with AIDS. It's time to stop. Can someone in Hollywood come up with an original idea for gay men that doesn't revolve around dying of AIDS? Perhaps a rom-com that doesn't suck like "Bros?" Stop casting Jim Parsons and Matt Damon in everything while you're at it. If I want to cry, I'll go to a funeral. It's time to shelve the death movies. They're so cliche. I won't purchase a gay-themed film anymore, because without even reading about it, they all end with someone parting or dying. I'm over it.

Leave the World Behind (2023)

Left The Curls Behind

[4/10 · 10 December 2023]

I was a huge Julia Roberts fan from 1989-2000. Her heyday movies (Mystic Pizza, Steel Magnolias, Pretty Woman, Flatliners, Sleeping with the Enemy, Dying Young) are classics.

This one, I'd say is mediocre, but I have to commend Julia on containing her hyena laugh and other mannerisms that got old over time. She even did this movie without Brad Pitt or George Clooney, which she needed to do for people to start caring about her acting again.

What's missing from this film is her fried up, curly red hair that she became famous with. My advice would be to get it curled asap for the next thriller she does. It might just do wonders.

The Nun II (2023)

A Mess

[1/10 · 4 October 2023]

...but I can only blame myself. Usually it's "fool me once...," but this time I went ahead and watched the sequel even though the first was abysmal.

Valak the Nun was spooky and the concept worked, but only for its introduction in The Conjuring. The standalone movie was so dark and boring, I fell asleep. I don't blame the actors, just lazy writing and jump scare tactics.

Here comes the sequel, and I thought, "Surely it can't be as bad as the first one," so I got suckered once more.

The sequel is boring, you can see the jump scares (if you can call them that) coming a mile away, and all it taught me was 1) Trust my instincts when choosing whether to spend money on a Conjuring-inspired film.

2) Now you have to have a Caucasian and an African-American as leads because, well, it's 2023 (almost 2024). It's a non-written rule, I guess, that you have to pack a movie with every nationality possible or you'll get flogged.

3) An ugly, white-faced Nun isn't scary when she/it never speaks or does anything but show up in every shadow from which you expect.

American Horror Story (2011– )

Jumped The Shark

[1/10 · 20 August 2023]

When a show goes from starring Jessica Lange to Kim Kardashian, it's time to throw in the towel.

This was once something I looked forward to each year, until Jessica Left, Kathy Bates had had enough misery, and here came Lady Whatever, nepotism baby-who-wouldn't-be-famous-if-it-weren't-for-her-aunt-and-father Emma Roberts (she has no stage/film "it" factor like the others), and a host of others lesser-talented actors. It had its highlights (Wes Bentley, Kathy Bates, Angela Bassett), but nothing could replace the cast roster of the of the original first season. It's a shame Jessica Lange had had enough, because I'd watch her read the phonebook. It's time to retire this show.

Hotline (1982 TV Movie)

My Favorite Lynda Carter TV Movie

[10/10 · 27 June 2023]

Post-Wonder Woman Lynda Carter truly delivers in this made-for-tv film that's solid and actually still can give one chills after 40 years. I saw it when I was a kid, then revisited it when I'd forgotten what happened years later. I was pleasantly surprised at how well-done the film truly is, from acting to the soundtrack.

Enough time had passed since "Wonder Woman" (3 years) for Lynda to ace playing the lead in this scary (at the time, for sure) spook-fest, who-dunnit flick. She didn't have super powers to save her now. As Brianne, Lynda's more than convincing, and holds your attention throughout. Her best acting since WW for sure.

I don't know if Ron owns the rights to all these early tv movies of Lynda's, but if he does and isn't releasing them, that's just not cool, man. Not saying that's the case, I just hope not. There's too much greatness in the '80's of Lynda that we're unable to stream and/or get on dvd. Check this one out if you ever have the chance. If you're a fan of Lynda Carter and the genre in general, you'll be glad you did.

The Last Song (1980 TV Movie)

One of Lynda's Best

[10/10 · 27 June 2023]

This movie, right on the heels of the non-renewal of "Wonder Woman," has Lynda Carter basically playing Diana Prince without the ability to spin into costume and perform heroics.

Despite having a hard time seeing Lynda in peril with no superhuman abilities (as a kid, I couldn't help but wonder why she didn't just spin and get the bad guys), Lynda was excellent in the lead role as a mother desperate to expose the people who murdered her husband and his colleague.

I suppose Lynda was trying not to be typecast (I mean, after being "Wonder Woman," where do you go?), but it was a little too soon after her iconic role to have her all helpless and hiding out, afraid for her and her daughter's lives. All that aside, it was a solid script with great acting, and has stood the test of time. Of course it's dated, but those of us who fondly remember the seventies (it was filmed in 1979), look back and wish we had more icons like Lynda on our screens today. Lynda was and will always be a star, born from a time when people had to have talent to be famous. Good on her.

Shahmaran (2023– )

You Definitely Won't Need A Sleeping Aid

[10/10 · 25 January 2023]

...when you have this. Suffice to say I've made it through four episodes, and my eyes have been as heavy as it manholes. I know there's a build up in this stuff, but it's taking way too long and I'm not sure I can be invested in it long enough to find out.

The acting is decent, and the casting on par, but the writers need to tighten it up a bit.

These movies all have one thing in common - a damsel in distress. Always a woman who can't take care of herself, and the man trying to protect her.

It would be romantic if your head wasn't bobbing and weaving, trying to wake up just to find out what they're up to.

Sick (2022)

Bored

[1/10 · 13 January 2023]

I wanted to like this based on the critics' reviews, but I was bored almost to sleep. The casting was all wrong. I mean really. Two lil girls running around from grown ass men and the men can't seem to catch them? Not believable that they could pull off the things they did. I found myself just wanting to fast forward to the end. Too generic, and just not gripping.

The scene with the woman in the car at the hour mark was actually comedic.

If you're a fan of true horror films and not jump scare "Scream" or "I Know What You Did Every Summer and On Into Winter"-like mess, this movie isn't for you. Do yourself a favor and watch "The Exorcist" (1973) instead.

Woman of the Dead (2022– )

I Laughed Out Loud

[5/10 · 7 January 2023]

I'm only on the second episode, but I have to tell you - when ole girl got that motorcycle fixed and hopped on it and turned into Batgirl on crack, I realized this was going to be a mess.

I don't think the writers really thought this through. I could pay attention and take it seriously until that, but seriously? The woman hasn't been on a motorcycle and who knows when, and all of a sudden she's popping in and out of traffic and driving this thing God knows how fast? A mess!

There's really no mystery because we basically know who's at fault and who's going to be sneakily involved as well. I may finish it. Who knows? She might jump on some parallel bars and reveal she's an Olympic gymnast as well.

M3GAN (2022)

Just A Mess

[1/10 · 2 January 2023]

In case you're brain dead and didn't know what happens in this movie from beginning to end by watching the all-revealing trailer alone, well, everything is in the trailer. That's my first gripe. At least the producers give those of us with sense a chance to preview the whole thing and aren't ashamed to keep it hidden in order to get our coins. That's the only positive I can write.

It seems everything is a money grab these days, with no originality. "The Exorcist," for example, holds up 50 years later. Why can't someone step up and make a really solid psychological thriller/horror film anymore? There's better than this on Netflix. Speaking of "The Exorcist," if they kill-off Chris MacNeil in the new adaption coming out later this year, the girls will probably go buck wild and riot Mr. Blum. Don't mess with a classic, in which whose character has been beloved for 50 years.

Anyway, back to this mess. I agree with the reviewer who said this movie is "recycled concepts molded and manufactured for gen z out of the Blumhouse factory. Spot-on it was, only that movie-goer was more generous with his/her rating. Gen Z/Millennials have no idea what a good film is. Throw in some jump scares, and I guess that's satisfying enough, it seems.

Save your money and skip this. This movie is one for the bargain bin (if Blu rays were still a thing).

Now if Megan were dressed up in the likeness of Ms. Markle, the laughs would be worth the price of admission. It would be more interesting, and a lot more entertaining.

C.O.G. (2013)

Waste

[1/10 · 30 October 2022]

Even as a gay man, I found this to be the most depressing and unnecessary, not to mention boring, movie that had anything to do with homosexuality in my entire life.

Corey was the only redeeming actor in this film, and his talent was wasted.

Not every gay man goes through turmoil and hell coming out. Not everybody fights within themselves to be who they are. I, for one, was never a victim, never portrayed myself as one, was never bullied, and there are many, many of us like me out there. No wonder straight people have a hard time dealing with gays as long as stories like these continue to be piped out and forced down people's throats. I was so bored I almost fell asleep. Skip it.

Ticket to Paradise (2022)

Do Better, Julia

[1/10 · 29 October 2022]

I realize Julie Roberts has more money than she could ever spend in her lifetime, but if she's going to be on screen and in our faces, she definitely needs to pick better scripts and do more than just play herself in everything. The best of her work was between 1989 and 1997. Erin Brockovich was a fluke in my opinion because she was pretty much playing a side of her own personality. That's pretty much all she's done in the past 20 or so years: Play herself.

One thing I must say, is that Julia needs to do movies with other people besides her buddies. She's as famous as Tom Cruise, and such, so it's very hard to suspend disbelief, watching her act along side a man she basically hangs out with regularly. We all know they're family friends. I can't buy them together in a film again.

I didn't need a trailer, to see the movie before, or anything. I knew how it would end when I went in to see it. Anyone with half a brain will know how this movie ends. That's how predictable the film is.

My suggestion is to watch her earlier works beginning with Mystic Pizza (1988) through the Pelican Brief in 1993. Those were her heydays. Aside from My Best Friend's Wedding in 97, it's been downhill for her in my opinion ever sense.

Pearl (2022)

Money grab

[2/10 · 26 October 2022]

I wanted to like this. I thought there would be more to it. It seems the Director was simply on location and thought hey, let's make another buck off the first film. Nothing surprising and nothing that couldn't be skipped or not done at all. The actors did a fine job, but I really don't see the necessity of this prequel.

Hopefully the third film will do better, but most films like wonder woman, 1984 and such Dash movies set in the 80s, pretty much flop. That's what I expect next and will probably not rush to watch.

I say skip this and wait until it's free or streaming somewhere that you already have a subscription.

Old People (2022)

Horrors!

[1/10 · 11 October 2022]

Now I'm afraid to go visit my grandmother. I noticed she looked rather menacing last time. I bet she's, right this moment, making a macaroni & cheese with glass shards.

Ok, so this movie was sort of pointless and not scary at all. Luckily it's on Netflix, where the subscription cost is high, but the channel does put out some good stuff every now and then. This movie's not one of those.

I won't give away anything, because what you've read in the synopsis is all you need to know. Just go in with no expectations and you won't be disappointed. I'd give it an A+ on saving money on the lighting bill, and that's about it.

The Midnight Club (2022)

One Reason To Watch This, And The Only Reason

[1/10 · 8 October 2022]

Flanagan did a great job with The Haunting of Hill House and Midnight Mass. The Bly Manor attempt was flat, and this? This show is simply boring. I really have one thing I really want to say.

The only wonderful thing/person regarding this show: Heather Langenkamp Heather Langenkamp Heather Langenkamp Heather Langenkamp Heather Langenkamp Heather Langenkamp, and Heather Langenkamp.

Heather deserves better projects. She's horror royalty.

To the powers that be in Hollywood: Get this woman in more movies of a higher caliber. She gave us the best and ONLY Nancy Thompson, and she deserves better. Get on it.

Oh, and Heather, as a lifelong fan, your Twitter profile is incorrect. The movie you were in was "A Nightmare on Elm Street," not "Nightmare on Elm Street."

The White Lotus (2021–2025)

Murray & Jennifer Are The Only Redeeming Qualities

[1/10 · 2 October 2022]

As I wrote in the title, those two deserve Emmys. Jennifer got hers, and I'm thrilled. I'm a little peeved that Murray didn't get one, because he was the glue that held it all together.

This show couldn't decide whether it was a comedy or drama, and wasn't written to include either in an intelligent way. I found myself bored through most of it, and by the last two episodes, I was fast-forwarding to the characters I DID manage to care about.

Like many people who wrote they ended this show by scratching their heads as in "What did I just watch?" I was no different. One thing I DO know? I won't watch season two since Murray won't be included. He is a huge talent who should be more famous than he is, given his time in the business. Onward and upward, Mr. Bartlett!

The White Lotus: Departures (2021) Season 1, Episode 6

Murray and Jennifer Are Outstanding

[1/10 · 2 October 2022]

While I won't be watching season two because the writers decided to do it without Murray Bartlett, I thought the actors were all amazing. Jennifer Coolidge definitely deserved her Emmy, and Murray should've gotten one as well. It was an enjoyable show, but there was something missing.

I can't quite put my finger on it, but somewhere it lies with the show teasing you with comedy, but theirs not being enough to amuse with all of the drama. It starts out comedic, but by the last 2 to 3 episodes, all of that seems to be gone.

It's good to know Jennifer Coolidge will be back. She's phenomenal, but again, Maury stole the show, and he was my reason for watching. I wouldn't have held on through all six episodes were it not for him. Good show, Mr. Bartlett! Here's hoping the exposure this show has brought Murray will give him many more opportunities for a wider audience. He's an outstanding talent.

Men (2022)

My GRACIOUS sakes!

[1/10 · 24 August 2022]

Forget NyQuil, Tylenol p.m., melatonin, or just plain prescription sleeping pills. Just turn this on and watch it for five minutes and see what happens. I fell asleep so hard I woke up to the thud of the remote hitting the floor. I've never been this bored watching a movie (or trying to) in half a century.

Uncoupled (2022–2023)

Sad

[1/10 · 30 July 2022]

As a gay man of 50, single as well, this show hit too close to home and was more depressing than anything. There is nothing relatable about this show to most gay men. What you see on the screen - they're all stereotypes. The writing is trash, and how the characters act is not in the least bit tethered to reality. Warning for other single gay guys my age - don't subject yourselves.

The Gray Man (2022)

Laughs

[1/10 · 22 July 2022]

The prologue before the credits at the beginning of the movie had me laughing out loud. Who wrote this script? A teenage tough guy with lots of testosterone who wanted to prove he's a man? I don't know if I've ever seen such elementary, stereotypical dialogue being spoken by two really great actors in my life.

How to Get Away with Murder (2014–2020)

Girl, Please.

[1/10 · 15 July 2022]

I watched the first 15 minutes of this mess and I'm done. Viola Davis' character is so over the top (bordering on parody), I couldn't stand anymore. If my professor acted that way, well, honey I would march right over to admissions and switch my damn class. Nobody acts like that, even the most egotistical, virtue-signaling professors you find all over at universities.

Who Killed Sara? (2021–2022)

Jumped The Shark

[10/10 · 14 July 2022]

I was really into this show and made it to the end of the first season. When they had Eugenio's character sleep with his female friend, I just rolled my eyes. Gay men don't do that. Trust me.