cruzn-99903 Reviews

Ma Belle, My Beauty (2021)

Pure, Unadulterated Garbage!

[1/10 · 3 March 2022]

The hype on this movie appears to have been planted by representatives and friends of the producers, as it lacks a shred of honesty.

Yes, Idella Johnson has a lot of promise as an actress, and so does Sivan Noam Shimon. But their casting is totally wasted.

Ma Belle, My Beauty could not be more boring, or frankly, more depressing. In fact, if you're already depressed, this could really put you over the top, or right on the bottom.

There's nothing likable about most of the characters, and the tried and trite technique of trying to show people in pretend real-life circumstances and dialogue fails miserably.

Whether a woman who has lost her confidence as a performer should return to an open marriage to get it back isn't a strong enough theme to carry this movie, especially when the "third" party is so moody and unappealing.

If I wanted to return to my lesbian or polyamorous ways for inspiration, this film would not only kill any seedlings of inspiration, but make me want to join a nunnery instead, it's that painful!

Even though this horrid flick was free to watch, it was so bad that I still wanted my money back, or at least my time.

For your own sanity, skip this movie entirely.

Susie Q (1996 TV Movie)

You Won't Want This to End

[10/10 · 6 February 2022]

This movie is like a fish out of water. You expect it to suck, be trite and stupid, and almost worthy of a punch off. But then it grabs you and doesn't let go!

Amy Jo Johnson is not only beautiful, but a secret weapon who takes a role that could have been demeaning in its interpretation by other actresses, but instead, has fun giving it life and a wishful believability.

By the time the film is over, Amy Jo makes you believe - or at least want to believe - in ghosts, and righting the wrongs of special interests, unfulfilled dreams and family promises.

The movie is funny when it needs to be, but also sentimental and hopefully romantic. Don't hit the stop button, or you'll miss out on something special!

My Zoe (2019)

A Surprising 10!

[10/10 · 16 November 2021]

I honestly didn't know what to expect with this movie, and it took a little while for me to get hooked. But once I did, Julie Delpy had me in the palm of her hand.

Among other things, this movie is an amazing love story, although some of the angles are never acted upon.

As the American healthcare system continues to become more and more broken, it's refreshing to see a doctor who pushes the boundaries for a patient whose undying love for a child motivates him to ditch ethics and take chances that could ruin his career.

Delpy has a keen sense of motherhood, coping with pain and capturing relationships, and portrays a dead marriage with tinges of abuse perfectly.

The movie is also a perfect spark for discussion. By the time it ends, you don't want it to end, which is always a good thing.

The Seven-Ups (1973)

Could a Movie be Any More Depressing?

[3/10 · 7 August 2021]

With all due respect to the late Roy Scheider, this movie is depressing, depressing and even more depressing, and a total waste of time. It's also too predictable from the first scene.

Even the sharks in jaws are blushing, asking how Scheider - a bankable star during this time - could possibly have taken a role in such a piece of garbage, yet still be credible as the hometown sheriff during the summer of human beachgoer feasting?

I was waiting to like just one character in this movie, but couldn't find one.

Women are largely missing in action, except as a wailing wife or passing through as hospital employees, waitresses or street vendors. Maybe if a woman or two were written into the storyline, the finished product could have become more human.

Most reviewers point to the car chase as a highlight. If that's the highlight, who needs a vomit bag?

Actually, in a perversely humorous way, the real highlight was a disgusting car wash that served as a punishing zone for any character sent inside with their vehicle. Just in case viewers didn't understand the meaning of the lethal car wash the first time it was shown, with painstaking attention to every gritty, foamy, scrubbing-out detail, the writer and director are kind enough to use it a second time.

Three stars for sympathy. Plus this warning: If you're not already miserable and depressed enough, this movie may take you to a new low.

Shanghai Kiss (2007)

Shanghai Kiss Rocks!

[10/10 · 24 June 2021]

Except for the ridiculous title, which has nothing to do with the storyline, this movie is a sleeper gem!

I had never heard of Hayden Panettiere before, but she handles her role in this movie so spectacularly that you have to wonder why she isn't starring in major blockbusters--or home-streamers. Her chemistry works well with Ken Leung, even if they're wound at slightly different speeds.

When I first started watching, I had little to no expectations, but the film grabbed me early on with several topical, believable themes on race, parental relations, becoming Americanized, the forbidden younger girlfriend and more, interspersed with self-deprecation and random comedy monologues.

Even if the movie arcs to a lull point, Hayden lights it back up. Makes me want to go back to 2007!

Best Friends (1982)

What a Disaster!

[1/10 · 15 June 2021]

I normally enjoy Norman Jewison films, such as In Country, which was a phenomenal sleeper masterpiece. But this is pure, unadulterated misery.

If you're depressed when you start the movie, you'll likely be ready for a mercy killing before it's over, it's that bad! It never gets better. In fact, I think this film actually manages to get even worse, which is an amazing feat.

Burt Reynolds and Goldie Hawn do the best they can to stay awake reading the trite, painful dialogue. The late, great Audra Lindley looks a bit like Sally Field in her scenes, but even her comic genius can't save this dog.

With Best Friends like these, who needs friends?

Fort Buchanan (2014)

Please Ban This Movie for Boredom!

[1/10 · 27 April 2021]

If not for liking Iliana Zabeth, I would have turned this off after ten minutes. For the life of me, I can't understand any of the positive hype, as this is a depressing, boring, unbelievable waste of time. The horrid script treats gay male and bisexual female characters as a super-novelty, which neither character prototype is. Even the suicide sub-plot is disjointed, as we don't really meet the guy who kills himself until the movie is about to end. We're given the political explanation that this is what happens when the military budget is cut in France and soldiers have no purpose. But would you really want any of these characters protecting you? Thank goodness they were cut from the budget! Iliana, please read your scripts ahead of time and know when to say NO to a worthless role that wastes your talent and beauty.

Texasville (1990)

Bad to the Bone!

[3/10 · 24 March 2021]

Texasville will simply waste your time, and not have much fun doing it. The only reason I had to add a couple of stars was for Annie Potts, who shines in delivering even the most ridiculous dialogue, and did her best to bring this stinker to life. Having spent a lot of time in Archer City aka Anarene, whose downtown square, Fina station, Dairy Queen and other locations are featured prominently, I can say that the people there may not be thriving, but are not the buffoons depicted in this film, either. Those folks can be found in Wichita Falls, about a half-hour north, where xenophobia is the rule. But Archer City is a lot more welcoming, and takes genuine pride in sharing its history, including ties to Lonesome Dove and Terms of Endearment scriptwriter Larry McMurtry, who at one time turned an entire block and side-street of vacant Archer City stores into a second-hand bookstore that drew tourists from around the world. Jeff Bridges is wasted in this film, and basically made to brood in every scene. The child characters are extremely unlikable, as are most of the adult characters, Annie Potts the main exception. Special commendation to the dog that appeared in this movie in most of the scenes, and was able to do so without throwing up--not just from the lack of a good script, but from the bad driving of the humans.

Palo Alto (2013)

Pure Dreck!

[2/10 · 9 March 2021]

I kept waiting for Palo Alto to start. Then, I kept waiting for it to take off, as in for something substantive to happen. But it never did. Director Gia Coppola seems to have a fetish for Emma Roberts' facial expressions, but why waste that fetish on a movie with a make-believe plot and storyline that never really occur?

Then I kept waiting for the film to end, which took about 90 minutes too long.

The one interesting story that could have been developed was that of a minor female character - cute, but maybe not as cute as the principal actors by teen standards - who was shown willing to please the degenerate males just to get attention, with zero appreciation. She had a story worth telling. But it was totally passed over and brought back to Emma Roberts' facial expressions.

When I reread the reviews of this movie, I couldn't imagine what they were talking about, because it sure wasn't the crapola I had just seen.

Love and Debate (2006)

Glad I Found This Movie!

[10/10 · 7 September 2020]

The preview/trailer makes the film out to be a Jewish girl cliche. But that's not the movie or story at all. There's so much more to the film that the team that made the trailer should be fined, big time.

To avoid playing spoiler, I'll just say that so many issues are touched on, including very real-life, still-relevant issues that often get glamorized in movies, but they don't here.

You believe that Gina Phillips' Jordan protagonist is living her problems, and having her world turn upside down. The debating club issues weave in and out, but the storyline and script are first-rate.

The supporting cast is also terrific--including Azura Skye, Rachel Miner and Joaquim de Almeida.

This is one of those accidentally-discovered movies I didn't want to end. Too bad more people don't know about it!

Love at Sea (2018 TV Movie)

Your Choice: Puke Now, or Jump Overboard Later

[1/10 · 2 December 2019]

Alexa and Carlos "PenaVega" misuse this film in an effort to show control over one another, reminiscent of the woman who puts up a Facebook page, only to have her husband or boyfriend in every picture, or referenced in every post.

Whatever the strange dynamic of their off-screen relationship, it's as if the script was written under their purview, making this horrible even by Hallmark's already low bar.

The movie is so bad that it basically stops in several places, just so the two primary actors can fawn over each other, and show everyone that they're attached.

I felt bad when I saw that Audrey Landers was in it, playing Alexa's mom, of all things, since Audrey has the capacity to light up the screen - if given even half-decent material.

Adding to the wastefulness of talent is the presence of legendary director Mel Damski, whose credits include such classic TV shows as Lou Grant, and the breakout Kelly Preston coming of age film Mischief.

But even Mel's pedigree can't save this trash.

Honestly, if you sit through the whole thing, you'll want to bang your head into the wall in disgust. This is NOT Love at Sea. This is a mutiny!

The Other End of the Line (2007)

Give This Flick a BIG Chance!

[9/10 · 9 October 2019]

Other than occasionally choppy, speeded-up frame direction, this movie is pretty amazing - and a real sleeper.

People from New Jersey will love the bit about how Indians training to be American-sounding on the phone must start with customers in New Jersey and then learn to "work their way out of New Jersey." That alone is worth an award! And good advice for Americans, as well.

But the greater aspects of this film include the amazing chemistry between the lead actors, the cultural relevance, great photography, realistic dialogue, mix of humor with real-life introspection, and a story you'll find yourself wanting to jump into.

Shriya Saran is stunning--beautiful, sensitive, innocent and comedic. She owns the role! Counterpart Jesse Metcalfe also puts his all into it. You can't help but pull for the couple, and will likely see yourself in several of the situations.

I may have a whole new outlook when I reach an India-based call center, or they reach me.

It's hard to believe this gem of a movie came out 11 years ago, and I just found it. Shame on the distributors for keeping it so hidden!

Breathe In (2013)

As Bas As Movies Can Get, And Worse!

[5 July 2019]

Breathe In will suck the desire to sit through this movie right out of you early on, with irritating direction by Drake Doremus that employs repetitive, redundant symbolism shots of objects and elements of nature as if this were somehow a revelation. Instead, it's headache inducing, and drags this painful movie out even longer.

The amateurish direction is joined by a collection of characters so unlikable that you can't root for any of them.

Felicity Jones can usually melt anyone with her smile alone, and is usually fun to watch in anything she does. But even her presence can't save this disastrous film.

The Runaways (2010)

What a Dud!

[1/10 · 23 May 2019]

Just having Kristen Stewart smile, look tough and leathery, and lipsync does not make a movie! Dakota Fanning mumbles her lines as she was apparently told to do. And Michael Shannon plays Michael Shannon, with a dose of repetitive misogynism. There's not really a plot. As for the characters, they're so unlikable that you can't even root for The Runaways, or Joan Jett, to hit it big. There's probably an interesting story to tell, but it's sorely missing. I Love Rock 'N Roll! I just wish the people who made this movie did.

Road Less Traveled (2017 TV Movie)

So Bad, And Worse...

[1/10 · 19 May 2019]

Enough with trying to explain, and then re-explain, that people have different expressions, colloquialisms and accents in the South, just in case the audience may not get it. We get it! How about a little respect for the South, and the intelligence of viewers? The scenery is nice, both geographical and human, as long as the volume is kept on mute. This movie is truly an embarrassment. It makes Sweet Home Alabama seem like a masterpiece.

The Grand Seduction (2013)

The Grand Betrayal

[1/10 · 13 April 2019]

Comparisons to Doc Hollywood would seem inevitable from the mere tease lines of this horrid movie. Young doctor gets marooned in a small town after a legal infraction, town needs a doctor, doctor is courted to stay, etc.

But unlike Doc Hollywood, which has a well-paced story, likeable characters, and enough heart to make movie watchers want to visit the place, this piece of garbage rips off the idea - then proceeds to insult the audience's intelligence from its very first beat.

People with severe OCD tend to repeat the same themes, jokes, and chronicling of life situations as a ritual, with no harm intended. Here, that mechanism becomes a punch line, with painful repetition of the same sorry attempts at humor that were hardly funny the first time, but by the fifth repetition, move to the category of pure pain - devoid of any humor.

Without knowing a thing about the doctor (Taylor Kitsch) other than his love for cricket and cocaine, the locals - who don't know cricket from a hole in the wall, since this is hockey country - pull out all the stops, with every bad visual, reference and overused punch line imaginable to try to impress their new arrival with their pretend love of the game.

No spoiler, honest! This unfunny ruse starts right at the beginning, and is still going on 75 minutes later!

Then, we're supposed to buy into the idea of a seaport community (or harbor, as they keep reminding us) wooing, along with their clueless, pretty boy doctor, a miserable business to save the day -- without any regard for the petrochemical pollutants the company's factory would bring to their shores for supposed "repurposing."

No joke, unless you not only deny global warming, but also take pride in killing the surviving species way ahead of schedule.

The beautiful Liane Balaban is the only saving grace, with no explanation in the storyline of how she can possibly tolerate being in this place, surrounded by so many spineless, unlikable characters - or of why her agents okayed her participation in this misery.

If you sit through the entire movie, you will feel anything but seduced. Rather, the need for painkillers, or to bang your head into the wall in disgust, will seem far more appropriate.

Walk on Water (2004)

Want to Love Israel? Hang With a Nazi's Grandchild!

[10/10 · 6 April 2019]

This movie is rich in detail, well developed characters, and the age-old dilemma for many on how to not take life, nation and culture for granted.

The surprise premise requires accepting that the grandchildren of a Nazi exterminator, and children of an affluent German businessman who likely took over a factory stolen from the ashes of murdered Jews, are fans of everything Israel. In the daughter Pia's case, enough to take up residence on a kibbutz!

The fantasy becomes a hopeful one, with an ironic twist, that allows Eyal, a jaded Mossad agent, to discover the beauty of Israel through the eyes and emotions of Nazi descendants.

There's also an inviting road trip quality to this movie that makes the viewer feel like they're along for the ride and discovering the sites and allure of Israel, even while the tour guide is obviously spying on his subjects.

You can't help but root for Eyal, especially when the Israeli government is unappreciative of the exemplary work he does.

From the beginning, you can guess that there might be a romance with Pia, although the movie leaves you wanting more, and wondering if there really are Pias and Axels (her brother) so enamored with Israel that they become cheerleaders for its culture.

The music soundtrack works perfectly, and features an Israeli love ballad so enticing (Sivan Shavat's "Kiss Me") that I had to pull it up when the movie was over.

Could this happen in real life? Not sure. But the message of the movie could easily be that you never know how an unexpected connection with a person or persons you're prepared to hate can develop into an amazing friendship, or more.

Galveston (2018)

A Love Story, For Real!

[9/10 · 26 March 2019]

Rising from the backdrop of Galveston's gritty crime story tease is a genuine love story, with characters so strong they exude love without even having sex (which could almost make this a Christian film worthy of a Dove award!).

You hope they'll get to utter the words, but fate never allows it to happen.

Elle Fanning's "Rocky" character owns the screen, whether she talks, saunters, contemplates, smiles for the first days and weeks in who knows how long, shifts into sadness and tears, or breaks into song.

She epitomizes getting a taste of happiness and trust in a fellow human being, even if only for a short while.

There are a number of metaphoric subtexts, an interesting one being a veiled play on our broken healthcare system, depicted in the guise of a mobster-controlled doctor (which could just as well be an Obamacare HMO doctor) giving erroneous information that suggests a phony death sentence.

So Ben Foster's "Roy" must live like he's dying, which brings out a nurturing persona he may never otherwise have had, setting up the unexpected love story.

The scenery is rich, although I wish the real Galveston could have been used, if not for the apparent tax break given producers by the Georgia Film Commission to shoot in Savannah and/or Tybee Island.

Galveston is a movie where you expect the worst, hope for the best, and root for two people, actually, three people, who are drawn together after being thrown into life's drainage ditch by their respective environments.

It will leave you wanting more, if not wanting to take your own revenge!

Little Red Wagon (2012)

An Incredible Waste of Time!

[2/10 · 13 March 2019]

The real-life story seemed inspiring at first glance, but the movie fails to capture its heart or true purpose. In fact, it fails to tie Zack's relentless walking to how homeless families and kids are actually being helped.

The budding but then forgotten subplot, about the protagonist's neighbor who, along with her young son - a friend of Zack's, no less - is being forced into the spiraling depths of homelessness, would have been the much better movie.

Sadly, the neighbor's plight of homelessness is totally missed by Zack and his walk-enabling mom! This, despite Zack's mom hearing from the neighbor herself that she is being forced out of her home because she can no longer make the payments after the death of her husband.

So basically, we're supposed to be moved by Zack's desire to walk and grab as much PR as possible, while neither he nor his mother can see the homelessness that's right in front of their eyes!

The movie was more sad than inspiring, and suggested that do-gooders need to open their eyes more, and understand that charity must begin at home--with eyes wide open.

One star would be appropriate for the script/story, but the acting by Daveigh Chase, Frances O'Conner, and Dylan Matzke (brilliant as the neighbor's son who must deal with the pitfalls of homelessness) warranted adding on a second.