4/10
The most overrated of the *Trek* movies
14 February 2008
Warning: Spoilers
Ironically, Nicholas Meyer also directed the best of the *Trek* movies, and the only one which I think works as a real movie (as opposed to a device for vacuuming dollars out of Trekkies' wallets), *The Wrath of Khan*. I guess he just got lucky with that one. Nevertheless, bringing him back to rescue the series from the clutches of the Shatnermonster was clearly a good decision. Everyone seems to have been so relieved that they are willing to ignore this movie's many and massive flaws.

The core problem here is that the smug self-righteousness which was always the most obnoxious thing about *Star Trek* serves as the very basis of the film, and is handled in an even more ham-handed manner than it usually is. (Funny how no one ever behaves like a racist jerk until a Point needs to be made, and then suddenly Starfleet's full of 'em!)

But that is exacerbated by a constant stream of little idiocies and absurdities:

Chekov asks if he should raise shields when the *Enterprise* meets the ship they were expecting to meet. So, complete idiots can become officers on the Federation flagship, then?

The idea of Klingons and humans dining together is treated as a shocking and unprecedented thing, even though the end of the previous movie, they were shown partying together (though it is understandable why everyone wanted to forget that the execrable *ST5* existed).

Spock just happens to have a sticky-backed homing device which he can place on Kirk's shirt when he needs one, even though there is no reason at the time for him to be carrying one around.

This marvel of 23rd-century miniaturization is an inch long and half an inch wide and remains clearly visible on the shoulder of Kirk's uniform throughout the entire process of his arrest and trial, but the Klingons never notice it.

Neither the *Enterprise*'s crew, nor even the computer, can easily tell from the trajectory of a torpedo whether it came from *Enterprise*'s launchers or a point under her keel? And the "neutron surge" which "could only have come from another ship" didn't alert anyone to the presence of another ship until after Kirk and McCoy had been sentenced? I think I see how Chekov kept getting promoted.

Apparently, gravity boots are not standard equipment on Starfleet vessels with artificial gravity, since only the killers will have them. Gee, you'd think having a few pairs around would be kind of useful, just in case.

Valeris demonstrates the *Enterprise*'s alarm system by actually firing a phaser at a pot of food in the galley, instead of just explaining it.

The guy she's explaining it to is Chekov. That's right, the brand-new helm officer is explaining ship operations to an officer who has served on this ship and its predecessor for a quarter-century. Worse, she says, "As you know" before explaining it. So what was that idiotic demonstration in aid of, exactly? Why not just say, "The alarms would have gone off"?

The pot disappears, while the food inside it remains, even though no *Star Trek* phaser has ever worked that way before or since. Apparently Meyer thought this would be cool.

Uhura comes to investigate the alarm at the head of the security team. That's right, the communications officer! And no, she doesn't bother calling on the comm system to find out what happened, she actually runs down to check it out in person, because...uh, because they needed an excuse to get Nichelle Nichols into the scene, I guess. Then Scotty runs in for the same reason. Apparently only the main guys care about stuff like that and don't have jobs to do.

Even though the comm officer is standing right there, Spock orders the helm officer to send a false message to Starfleet. Why? Because the helm officer is a Vulcan, and it allows them to remind us that Vulcans don't lie unless it's *absolutely* necessary to the plot.

It took *that long* for someone to notice the bright purple blood on the transporter pad? Can the transporters be accessed by just anyone? And aren't there records? Haven't any number of episode plots turned on transporter records?

So Kirk *knew* about the homing device, and didn't even bother moving it to a less conspicuous location? Lucky Klingons are as dumb as humans.

I'm not even going to go into the manifest imbecility of the "Klingon dictionary" scene, except to say, "Books? Printed books?!"

Why would Spock ask McCoy to help him reprogram a torpedo? Dammit, he's a doctor, not an engineer!

Why can a bunch of people just beam into a secret summit conference with phasers drawn, a short time after the Klingon Chancellor was assassinated? You'd think Starfleet and Klingon security would be pretty keen on stopping things like that.

Apparently phasers have a rarely-used "defenestration" setting.

(I won't mention "Colonel [!] West," since Meyer apparently retained enough sense to cut him from the original release.)

Stupid movie.
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