Contracted (2013)
1/10
The film falls apart faster than its protagonist
15 August 2014
Warning: Spoilers
I don't even know where to start on this one except to tell you to take a look at writer/director Eric England's information before you think about watching it. He was born in 1988 which puts him somewhere around 24 or 25 when the movie was made.

That someone so young is writing and directing feature length films is somewhat admirable I suppose, or it would be if the end result wasn't so incredibly naive and so factually inaccurate as to almost be comedic.

If you can get past the idea that a doctor would see a patient who has black infection lines running across their abdomen and who tells him they just bled "a lot" from their vagina, yet not strongly suggest they go to the hospital then you might like this film.

If you can suspend that disbelief for a second visit in which her eyes have bled and her hair and teeth have fallen out and even then the doctor doesn't admit her let alone contact a hemorrhagic disease specialist but instead says "it seems to be sexually transmitted", then you might like this film.

Beyond the worst doctor in motion picture history, the patient herself makes the most bizarre and incomprehensible decisions about her deteriorating condition. If you were trying to hide a one-night stand from a partner because you had a slight rash, maybe... but if you woke in a pool of blood on your bathroom floor, would you not perhaps suck it up and oh, I don't know, GO TO THE ER MAYBE? If I was cutting some slack I would put the characters stupidity down to the disease affecting her mind, but it's way too clear what's going on here - a young, healthy person is trying to write a script about body horror and clearly has no clue what it feels like to make a bathroom discovery such as a lump in the groin. Write what you know, Eric England, golden rule bar none.

The juvenile world view doesn't only break through in the portrayal of the sick protagonist or the misunderstood medical industry, but also rings clear in every other aspect of the screenplay. The character's relationships and arguments are like those of high school teens, oh god the dialogue is excruciatingly awful, and the lesbian relationship portrayed is an embarrassment to the entire LGBT community.

All of this, ALL of it, I would forgive if the film had a modicum of plot advancement or even perhaps an intriguing concept as to what the sickness was or where it came from but absolutely none is offered and as the credit screen hits after the last scene, I can't imagine one person in the viewing audience wouldn't be sitting there saying "What the hell? That's it?"

Look through my reviews. I've been on IMDb a long, long time and I very rarely feel strongly enough about a movie to give it a score of 1. There are virtually no films in existence that make me feel like every moment was a wasted one, but 'Contracted' did. Inconceivably bad. Embarrassingly bad. 1 out of 10 only because the scores can't go lower.
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