1/10
This Movie Made Me Hate My Favorite Actor
5 November 2015
Warning: Spoilers
And, honestly, that's only my SECOND biggest complaint in the seething cauldron of rage and frustration that this movie caused me to vomit forth after I was done watching it.

NOTE: I am reviewing the dub. I don't care what anyone says about dubs vs. subs, a movie should be able to stand or fall on its own regardless of what language it's in. And even then, the language of this movie probably wouldn't solve its many, MANY problems.

What's the story? What story? Story implies characters, structure, build-up, pay-off, development, resolution, and this movie FAILS at all of that.

There are characters. None of them work. None of them are appealing. The main character, Haru, is a cookie-cutter protagonist that for the life of me I couldn't describe beyond the word "girl", as from what I recollect she really only has one defining character moment throughout the entire film when she saves a cat from being run over. And it's not a moment that carries any impact throughout the rest of the story, as this selflessness is never brought up again nor is it made relevant.

Structure. It's awful. After that initial plot point we settle in for a whole forty-five minutes of absolutely nothing as Haru wanders around, very, very, VERY occasionally visited by cats from the Cat Kingdom. She then goes to the Cat Baron for aid since these cats want to kidnap her, and they do, but only after another drawn-out ten-minute scene in which Haru has tea with the Baron and absolutely nothing happens.

Build-up. There's almost no build up. If one uses the Wikipedia page as a sort of road map for this movie, then three-fifths of the plot is crammed into the last half-hour, because those first two paragraphs make up 60% of the run time. Suddenly, Haru's in the Cat Kingdom. Suddenly, she's taken away to the palace. Suddenly, she's turning into a Cat. Suddenly, there's a ball where the Baron rescues her. Suddenly, she's not turning into a cat. Suddenly, they're in the garden. Hey, hey, HEY, SLOW DOWN, MOVIE! Gimme a chance to breath and let all this stuff sink in. I'm all for a brisk pace but this is like riding a bullet train. On the roof.

Terrible build-up means terrible pay-off. There's a bit where this fat cat reveals he was the one who ate all the fish in the Cat Kingdom some time ago, something that was never hinted at or even brought up before. Or maybe it was and I missed it amidst the machine-gun flurry of plot points hitting my face. Or maybe it was referenced in that tea party scene and I missed it because I was falling asleep from the downpour of tedium.

Development. Nobody changes, because anyone that supposedly does change isn't established first. We see The Cat King forcing Haru into marriage was him acting on behalf of his son, who had someone else in mind to wed. Who was The Cat King before all of this started? What's he like when he's not jumping to conclusions and being an over-bearing father? Who knows? He's the only one who apparently gets any kind of arc and we don't even know if this change was just him reverting to his previous state of mind. Lame.

Resolution. This entire movie hinged on a "failure to communicate" cliché so this whole thing could've been avoided by a short talk between The Cat King and his son. I'm pretty sure Studio Ghibli can do better than rip off the narrative premise of the Mickey Mouse cartoon "Brave Little Tailor". Then again, they ripped off 90% of Disney's The Little Mermaid to make Ponyo, so I'm not surprised.

This movie had so much potential. The story may have been unoriginal, but the setting and elements of the world could've made for a wonderful trip to some Lewis Carroll-esque Wonderland. Instead, we spend the majority of the film in the boring human world and the only elements of the Cat Kingdom we explore are a village, a garden maze, and two rooms of the palace, three if you count the exploding tower (yet ANOTHER thing that was never built up or established).

And just to empty a bucket of salty lemon juice onto the wound, they got Tim Curry, my favorite actor, the actor who inspired me to go into animation, the actor who I mimicked to learn acting for myself, the actor I love so much that I trained in impersonating him so that his wonderful voice doesn't have to die when he does, He-Who-Can-Do-No-Wrong, to play one of the most uninspired, unfunny, unappealing, uninteresting characters I have ever seen. I didn't even think he was capable of giving a terrible performance, but this movie showed me what a naive and fleeting notion that truly was.

Thou hast truly taught me to hate, movie. I thought I knew what hate was, but that was no more than a child's daydream of loathing. Now, I hate. I hate this movie, I hate the director, I hate BOTH writing teams, and most of all I hate the ADR director, for they, in turn, made me hate my all-time favorite actor.

Oh, who am I kidding? I still love ya, Tim. Get well soon.
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