You must be regretting the literally hundreds of pounds probably spent on this steaming pile of a show, Sky, so here's how you can recoup your losses and maybe make a few bob into the bargain:
1. This was clearly written by children for children, so why not hire actors more suited to the lead roles. The Chuckle Brothers are probably available, but if they are in Summer season or rehearsing for panto I'm sure a suitably stuffed envelope sent to their agent would do the job
2. Luckily the script is laughable enough to be largely left alone. Simply get an intern to scribble out the 'Bruv's and 'You get me's and dot in a few 'To you's and 'To me's.
3. Replace the lead's families with cardboard cut-outs. This would not only save money but make them more realistic.
4. See if those custard pie guns from Bugsy Malone are going cheap. If not, I'm sure those suction cup dart guns are still available at all good joke shops.
5. Those two detectives in the station are probably OK, but maybe think about swapping them for a duo who might add a little more gravitas. Could I suggest Bodger and Badger?
6. The station boss is a role tailor made for someone like Johnny Vegas. Again, there's no need to change the script, just add 'And no slacking!' to the end of any instructions.
7. Finally, call the commissioning editor at CBBC and tell them you've got a sure-fire hit on your hands. Don't feel guilty, someone obviously pulled the same joke on you.
Right, That's that sorted. Mine's a pint.
1. This was clearly written by children for children, so why not hire actors more suited to the lead roles. The Chuckle Brothers are probably available, but if they are in Summer season or rehearsing for panto I'm sure a suitably stuffed envelope sent to their agent would do the job
2. Luckily the script is laughable enough to be largely left alone. Simply get an intern to scribble out the 'Bruv's and 'You get me's and dot in a few 'To you's and 'To me's.
3. Replace the lead's families with cardboard cut-outs. This would not only save money but make them more realistic.
4. See if those custard pie guns from Bugsy Malone are going cheap. If not, I'm sure those suction cup dart guns are still available at all good joke shops.
5. Those two detectives in the station are probably OK, but maybe think about swapping them for a duo who might add a little more gravitas. Could I suggest Bodger and Badger?
6. The station boss is a role tailor made for someone like Johnny Vegas. Again, there's no need to change the script, just add 'And no slacking!' to the end of any instructions.
7. Finally, call the commissioning editor at CBBC and tell them you've got a sure-fire hit on your hands. Don't feel guilty, someone obviously pulled the same joke on you.
Right, That's that sorted. Mine's a pint.