I'd always heard of the Confessions movies, I knew they were full of sex and meant to be funny in the 1970s, probably a smuttier version of the Carry On films, I was imagining they would be very dated, but I was willing to give them a try, directed by Val Guest (The Quatermass Xperiment, The Day the Earth Caught Fire). Basically, Timothy "Timmy" Lea (Robin Askwith) is an optimistic but clumsy young man who has works alongside his brother-in-law Sidney "Sid" Noggett (Antony Booth, Cherie Blair's father) in their window cleaning business. Timmy narrates his day-to-day activities, and he sees many things through the various windows he cleans of houses and big buildings, including many naked women. Sid and his wife Rosie (Sheila White) are expecting their first child, so Sid has employed Timmy to "satisfy" his customers, little realising his bumbling ways and that he is irresistible to women. One day, he meets policewoman Elizabeth "Liz" Radlett (Linda Hayden), he is instantly attracted to her. He and Sid go to a social club to watch a burlesque performer, who takes Timmy backstage to have sex with him. During a home window cleaning, Jacqui Brown (Sue Longhurst) is overly flirty with Timmy and is bored as her husband is away. Timmy spills liquid detergent and leaves the tap water running, causing an overload of bubbles to fill the kitchen while the pair are having sex. Later, he meets with Liz again and asks her to the cinema. On another window cleaner job, he winds up having sex with housewife Carole (Katya Wyeth). Timmy often visits his parents, Mr. Lea (Bill Maynard) and Mrs. Lea (Dandy Nichols); Mr. Lea often brings home trinkets and junk he finds at the lost property office. Timmy hangs a moose head that his father has found, but it rips through the wall. During their trip to the movies, Timmy tries to feel up Liz, but she is uninterested in his sexual advances. Liz's father is Inspector Radlett (John Le Mesurier) and is somewhat wary of her daughter's choice of men. On another house visit, Brenda (Olivia Munday) with big boobs is having it off with him, when they are interrupted by a man (Lionel Murton) he assumes is her husband. He hides under the tiger rug, but it turns out that it was her landlord. On another job, Timmy almost has sex with foreign maid Ingrid (Anita Graham) who enjoys yoga before they are interrupted by her employer Mrs. Villiers (Melissa Stribling). She then tries to seduce him and gets all dirty in the coal cellar. Next, Timmy ends up having sex with customer Elvie (Judy Matheson) who pulls out the wall bed, but they are interrupted by her lesbian partner Ronnie (Elaine Baillie). They have a squabble on the bed before it springs back into the wall with them all on it. Timmy visits Sid and Rosie who has given birth to their son, Jason. Later, spending the evening together watching television, Timmy tries again to feel up Liz, but she still rebuffs him. She tells him that she will only make love with the man she marries, and he inadvertently proposes marriage to her. Following this proposal, she finally gives into temptation, they almost have sex, although he is distracted by photos of her parents. The wedding is arranged, and everyone is dressed up for the big day. But Timmy is knocked unconscious by some removal men and is taken by them on a sofa covered with a sheet in their van. The guests await Timmy's arrival, but the bride turns up before him, and they wait so long that the next wedding is ready to go ahead. When Timmy wakes up and leaves the removal van, he finds himself 60 miles outside London. While he is still missing, the wedding guests are at the reception, not wanting to waste the food. Timmy gets a lift in the back of a boat being towed by a car, but when he arrives at the reception, the guests have already left. Timmy is shocked when he goes home to find Liz being caressed by Sid in the garden outhouse, so he decides to soak them with the hosepipe. Sid ends up in hospital with a broken leg, but Timmy forgives him. Timmy gets an Apprentice (Robert Longden) to start window cleaning the following day, he and Lix have broken up and he goes back to sleeping with other women. Also starring Richard Wattis as Carole's Father, Joan Hickson as Mrs Radlett, Sam Kydd as 1st Removal Man, and Brian Hall as 2nd Removal Man. Askwith as the accident-prone window cleaner is okay, Booth as his brother-in-law and Maynard as his father are mildly amusing, but British talent Le Mesurier is wasted in a supporting role. The script relies on obvious and ineffective innuendos, the visual jokes involving mishaps are just embarrassing, the high amount of nudity is too crude to find arousing or enjoyable, most of the time you are just left open-mouthed and almost nauseous, it is a highly dreadful, deplorable, unfunny sex comedy. Poor!
Review of Confessions of a Window Cleaner
