Bottom (TV Series)

Parade (1992)

Rik Mayall: Richie

Photos 

Quotes 

• [Richie and Eddie are taking part in an identity parade, the suspect hasn't arrived yet. A slouching man enters] 

  Richard 'Richie' Richard : Oh dear, whoops-a-daisy, here he comes, dear, oh dear, oh dear! Look at that Neanderthal gait! Probably only learned to walk upright this morning! Hanging's too good for you, buster! Hah! I'm surprised he manages to mug old ladies with his knuckles scraping along the pavement like that!

  [impersonates a gorilla] 

  Richard 'Richie' Richard : Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh! Hello! Hello!

  [twiddles his lips] 

  Richard 'Richie' Richard : Me respectable citizen! Ugh, it's making my flesh creep. You vile scuuum!

  Chief Inspector Grobbelaar : Do you mind?

  Richard 'Richie' Richard : Oh, it talks! It talks! What are you going to do next, go on a quest for fire?

  Chief Inspector Grobbelaar : Good afternoon, gentlemen. I am Chief Inspector Grobbelaar.

  Richard 'Richie' Richard : [mimicking him in the gorilla/Neanderthal voice]  Chief Inspector Grobb...

  [he realises who the man is] 

  Richard 'Richie' Richard : Ah.

  [he looks awkward then gives the Chief Inspector a smarmy smile] 

• [Richie has been lying to a barmaid that he has been trying to pull that he is a Falklands war veteran only to discover the man next to him at the bar is one as well] 

  Mr N. Stiles : You all right mate?

  Richard 'Richie' Richard : Ha, ha, oooh yees, yes, yes, hahaha. I always get like this when I meet one of the old compadres. So... shit... great... You were there too, were you?

  Mr N. Stiles : Yeah, I was in Two Para.

  Richard 'Richie' Richard : What, you went twice?

  Mr N. Stiles : What regiment was you in then?

  Richard 'Richie' Richard : Well the English one of course! What are you suggesting?

  Mr N. Stiles : No, what outfit was you in?

  Richard 'Richie' Richard : Well, the green patchy one most of the time. With the twigs and the bit of leaf, you know, camouflage. I mean, ah, some of the chaps had their busbies on but, hur-hur, not many of them came back. No, I just remember looking down my rifle-sights at hordes of screaming Argies, all going "Nein nein, ve surrender Tommy-schweinhund!"

• Richie : Come on Eddie, I've got a brilliant idea! Into the lavs!

  [they go into the toilets] 

  Eddie : Okay, what's the brilliant idea?

  Richie : PANIC! ARGGH! ARGGH ARGGH!

• Richard 'Richie' Richard : [to an attractive new barmaid]  May I say, how attractive you look in that short summer frock. It's quite lovely, isn't it? Tell me, do you use Timotei? I'm sure that, with beautiful hair like that you probably have to pop up a mountain, don't you... find a stream and dip it in and flick it about the place! Are you a page three girl? Because I'm sure if you wanted to be you could be.

• Richie : I've done it mentally. Boy, have I done it mentally. Look at that bicep! You're bloody lucky I didn't hit you with that one, mate!

• Eddie : My Uncle Percy used to be in the trenches in the First World War. You know what he used to say?

  Richie : What?

  Eddie : ARGH! BLOODY HELL, GERMANS! THOUSANDS OF THEM! AND THEY'RE ALL GONNA SHOOT ME! ARGH! HELP ME! I WANNA GO HOME! ARGH! ARGH! AARRGH! AARRGH!

• [Drunken man enters the bar, singing, he trips, and falls down] 

  Richie : That's Tight-mouthed Larry, the bookmaker!

  [Larry is heard vomiting on the floor] 

  Eddie : He's not very tight-mouthed today, is he?

• Richard 'Richie' Richard : [Richie is urinating, Eddie is laughing at his genital size]  Alright, alright, you'd be laughing on the other side of your face if you were in my shoes.

  Eddie : No, I wouldn't, I'd have very wet feet if I was in your shoes.

  Richard 'Richie' Richard : What?

  [Looks down] 

  Richard 'Richie' Richard : Oh damn! Oh who cares? We'll be living in fur-lined, lizard skin thigh boots from here on in if my plan comes to fruition. Now let's go over it again.

  [Turns to Eddie still urinating] 

  Richard 'Richie' Richard : Oh sorry, sorry! Now this is the plan, OK? We take off his leg, we take it down the pawn shop, put all the money on the horse, win, redeem the leg and put it back on. He'll never know! What could possibly go wrong? Especially with a horse like Sad Ken!

  Eddie : You're right!

  Richard 'Richie' Richard : Okey-dokey, I'll distract his attention, you swipe the leg.

  Eddie : Righty-dokey, matey bloke, flap, old salty sea-dog amigo, skip jack, jock strap, piano tuner! Let's see you balls this one up!

  Richard 'Richie' Richard : Right-o!

• Richard 'Richie' Richard : [sarcastically]  I-I-I-I, I-I-I-Interesting, isn't it? I-I-I-Interesting!

• Chief Inspector Grobbelaar : Happy with the line up, gentlemen?

  Richard 'Richie' Richard : Not really, you know that it's us, don't you? We don't stand a chance.

  Chief Inspector Grobbelaar : That's the beauty of it, sir.

  Richard 'Richie' Richard : Well, don't we get a make-up artist or something? Or some time to grow a moustache, or have a sex change?

  Eddie : I demand to see a lawyer! Preferably a female, nudie one.