Manny's dad shows up bearing extravagant gifts, Mitchell and Cameron fight over how to care for their daughter when she cries at night, and Claire tries to impress the firefighters who responded to Phil's kidney stone 911 call.
Gloria plots to get rid of Jay's new "dog butler," Cameron's helpful nature gets himself in trouble with Mitchell, and Claire asks Phil to punish their son for looking at nude pictures, not knowing they're Phil's.
Mitchell tells Jay that one of his friends is gay to teach him a lesson, Claire gets frustrated with Phil's new master remote control, and Gloria gives Manny's "date" a makeover to improve her self-esteem.
Claire feels like a loser when she catches up with an old friend from work, Jay and Cameron have an unpleasant "encounter" in a locker room, and Mitchell tries to give legal advice to Gloria after she has a wreck.
Jay takes Gloria to see David Brenner. Mitchell and Cameron try to set Manny up on a date. Phil and Claire try to spice things up by going on a romantic getaway.
Haley confronts a terrifying driving examiner in her third attempt to pass the road test. Alex is nervous about a school dance. Gloria taunts Jay and Manny to ride a roller coaster. Phil and Luke look for treasure under the house.
Jay accidentally kills Manny's pet turtle and lies about it, Claire becomes jealous when Phil's ex-girlfriend pays a visit, and Mitchell makes a bold decision after he misses a family day because he's called in to work.
Jay and Mitchell attempt to bond while watching a meteor shower, but things don't go according to plan. Gloria and Cameron try to find something else to occupy their time. Claire and Phil try to help their kids with their school projects.
Jay takes on Gloria and Manny in the ultimate chess game. Claire goes all out to find a cool new electronic gadget for Phil's birthday gift, and Cameron pokes his nose into a neighbor's affairs.
Jay and Phil vie for the same coaching position on Manny and Luke's basketball team. Mitchell helps Cameron with a job interview, and Gloria and Claire talk about their kids growing up.
Jay's plans to relax in Hawaii are thwarted. Phil tries to make the vacation special for Claire, but this results in the kids being unsupervised. Mitchell and Cameron debate on what to see.
Claire goes through great lengths to organize a family portrait. Gloria and Phil have an awkward moment while taking Manny and Alex to a Lakers game. Cameron becomes a wedding singer, and Jay has to help Luke with a school project.
The Dunphys get nostalgic when Phil has to get rid of their station wagon. Cameron begs Jay to intervene when Mitchell wants to build Lily a castle, and Manny invites a girl over to study.
Cameron is upset with Mitchell's lack of public affection, Gloria gets back at Jay for disrespecting her Colombian traditions, and Claire goes overboard as Alex tries to get her first kiss.
When an earthquake hits the area, Claire gets locked in the bathroom with a plumber, Cameron and Mitchell use it as an excuse to get out of brunch with an obnoxious friend, and Manny reevaluates the meaning of life while on a trip with Jay.
Mitchell and Claire agree to break some embarrassing news to each other's significant others, Jay makes a fool of himself at what he thinks is a quinceanera, and Haley helps Alex try to make a popular friend.
Phil, Claire, and the kids try to improve their communication skills by giving up their electronic devices. Gloria is getting obsessed over a neighbor's barking dog, and Mitchell and Cameron try to find a preschool for Lily.
Claire needs the family's help to run Halloween smoothly at their house. Jay and Manny have fun at Gloria's expense, and the holiday brings back painful memories for Cameron.
While Claire and Haley get sick at the same time, Phil wages battle against a chirping smoke detector. Manny accidentally gets one of Jay's employees fired, and Cameron wants to put Lily in a TV commercial.
A birthday dinner for Manny at a family restaurant turns into a race for Phil and Claire and a chance for Cameron to socialize at a shopping mall while looking for a gift.
Jay and Manny's online diagnosis of Jay's illness makes matters worse. A visit from Cameron's mother sends Mitchell into a frenzy. Phil is more upset about Haley's breakup with Dylan than she is.
Claire is threatened when Gloria becomes her co-chair for a school dance, Jay bullies Phil into taking a stand during a trip to the mall, and Mitchell and Cameron discover that their daughter is a biter.