Nostalgia Critic (TV Series)

Alice in Wonderland (2014)

Doug Walker: Nostalgia Critic, Danny Elfman, Johnny Depp, Tim Burton

Photos 

Quotes 

• Nostalgia Critic : What is this, some sort of LSD land?

  Malice : You're not too far off, actually. It's Burtonland.

  Nostalgia Critic : Oh, Christ...!

• Nostalgia Critic : Bad screenwriting 101, guys: a good writer focuses on what a character is, not what a character isn't. We know that Alice isn't following the norm, isn't as submissive as her peers and isn't going to be told what to do. Well, okay, that's all fine and good, but, what is she then? Um... blander than bread?

• Nostalgia Critic : [Alice learns that she was THE Alice the whole time]  Whoahohoho, wait a minute, movie! So are you suggesting that the Alice from "Alice In Wonderland" this whole time was... Alice from "Alice In Wonderland"? Whoa! I mean, fucking whoa! This movie is pushing the envelope of cinematic twists! I mean, who could've seen that coming? Next you'll be telling me that Clark Kent all this time was... Clark Kent! Man, this movie knows how to keep you on your fucking toes!

• Nostalgia Critic : Oh yeah, I forgot to mention: Alice, this whole time, I mean like 80% of the goddamn movie, totally believes that this is all a dream.

  [cut to several clips of the movie, where Alice believes it is all a dream] 

  Nostalgia Critic : You know, I think there's only so long a person tells themselves that they're asleep before fucking reality starts to take effect. I mean, the dream excuse can only get you so far before your other senses start to kick in. For example...

  [he slaps Malice on the back of her head; she is quite startled] 

  Nostalgia Critic : It's okay, it's just a dream!

  [he then slaps her a second time] 

  Nostalgia Critic : It's okay, it's just a dream!

  [he slaps her a third time] 

  Nostalgia Critic : IT'S OKAY, IT'S JUST A DREAM!

  [he then starts to slap her a fourth time, but she threatens him with her knife and he backs off] 

  Nostalgia Critic : You see?

• Nostalgia Critic : So, they're clearly establishing that none of this is a dream and that it's all reality? Okay, despite the fact that this is clearly going against what the original book was doing, why would all of these obvious symbols that worked its way into the fantasy be presented? I mean, what's the point if it's all real? I mean, it's suddenly being like...

  [Santa Christ walks by going in the opposite direction] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Oh, hey, Santa Christ!

  Santa Christ : Hello!

  Nostalgia Critic : What are you doing here?

  Santa Christ : I don't know!

• Nostalgia Critic : Why does spring cleaning always have to come after winter? What the hell is this?

  [takes a hard drive with the label of "Old Home Movies"] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Oh, my God, I thought I had these destroyed after Wilsongate. Well, we'll soon fix that. Where's my evidence destroying hammer?

  [suddenly, a strange-looking black rabbit dressed like Beetlejuice appears, startling the Critic] 

  Carrotjuice : Hey, I'm Carrotjuice! Don't be upset, today's the greatest day ever! In fact, let's give each other gifts!

  [grabs the hard drive out of the Critic's hands] 

  Nostalgia Critic : HEY!

  Carrotjuice : Toodles!

  [takes off, with the Critic in hot pursuit] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Get back here, you evil Nesquik bunny!

• Malice : Hello, my name is Malice. Are you quite alright?

  Nostalgia Critic : Yeah, fine. I was just looking for a...

  Malice : A black rabbit?

  Nostalgia Critic : Yeah...

  Malice : Carrying a hard drive?

  Nostalgia Critic : Yeah!

  Malice : And you escaped from the American McGee Institute hoping that if you bring him back, it will prove to the world that you're not a psychotic maniac?

  Nostalgia Critic : That's a hard no, but two out of three ain't bad. So have you seen him?

  Malice : Oh, yes, that way.

  [they see Carrotjuice jump around sporadically, then he runs away] 

• Nostalgia Critic : [as he and Malice explore Burtonland]  My god, look at this place! It's like a coloring book if the only crayon available was gray.

  Malice : Oh, come now, it's not all that bad. At least it's creative!

  Nostalgia Critic : Yeah, the first million times, sure, but the million and one-theth...

  [sighs] 

  Nostalgia Critic : It's just as bad as when he took over Disney's "Alice In Wonderland".

  Malice : Oh, but, I loved that cartoon!

  Nostalgia Critic : No, not that one! I hate the fact I have to make that distinction now! No, I'm talking about Disney's "Tim Burton's" "Alice In Wonderland"!

• Malice : [about the Tim Burton version of "Alice In Wonderland"]  I thought that was a big hit. If it was so bad, why did it make so much money?

  [Danny Elfman appears, dressed like the Mad Hatter] 

  Danny Elfman : I can answer that!

  Nostalgia Critic : Oh, god, it's Danny Elfman!

  Danny Elfman : What's the matter, Critic? I thought you enjoyed my musical compositions.

  Nostalgia Critic : Yeah, for the first ten years. Now all your stuff sounds like the filler music you skip on soundtracks.

  Danny Elfman : Oh, but, Critic! Don't you know that kind of repetition is what makes Burtonland so popular?

  [singing to "What's This?"] 

  Danny Elfman : It's Tim Bur-ton, / There's spirals everywhere! / It's Tim, / Let's get you fucked-up hair! / It's Tim, / Where everything is styled / Over-substance but it looks / Good so who cares? / It's Tim! / It's Tim Bur-ton, / All angles are askew! / It's Tim, / With foggy lenses too! / It's Tim, / Where all supporting characters are kings / Holding the movies on the wings / And all the leads are 'bout as interesting as glue! / It's Tim! / This world of such uniqueness has been done a million times, / A dark and gloomy outlet for suburbanites to whine! / And though it's saying little, hipsters think it's saying more, / It's selling much more whiteness than a rich albino whore! / Remakes, reboots, / They're making us a ton / Of loot / And anything that's new / Is rare / And, yes, the style's showing wear and tear / But all the profit's clearly there / And will it get old? We don't care, / Try something different we won't dare / 'Cause our supplies of working apes / Are making millions by the share! / TIM BUR-TON!

  Malice : ...Very good.

• Nostalgia Critic : So, father-so-perfect-he-surely-has-to-die-soon dies soon after Alice's nineteenth birthday. This leaves her with a mother who is certainly a product of the times, who is not willing to accept Alice, because, of course, she's ahead of her time, and doesn't realize that the "ahead of the time" cliche has been done so many times that actually makes it behind the times.

• Nostalgia Critic : [as Alice reads from and drinks from a bottle reading "Drink Me"]  Now all she needs is a script that says "Write Me".

• Nostalgia Critic : [in the movie, Alice learns that she is prophesied to kill the Jabberwocky]  Oh, great. Another "prophecy" story. You know, why are these so popular? Why does everyone go along with something because "the prophecy said so"? What reliable source do these prophecies come from? Who writes them? How do we know they can be trusted?

  [cut to Malcolm sitting at a desk and talking on a phone] 

  Voice on phone : Sir, Wonderland is checking up on their prophecy.

  Malcolm : I told them to check that weird calendar thing I made up.

  Voice on phone : And Narnia?

  Malcolm : I don't know. A beaver shall lead the way for the "Bedknobs and Broomsticks" kids with the Lion King.

  Voice on phone : "Dune"?

  Malcolm : A chosen one.

  Voice on phone : "Matrix"?

  Malcolm : A chosen one.

  Voice on phone : "Phantom Menace"?

  Malcolm : A chosen one.

  Voice on phone : Jesus?

  Malcolm : Um, let's leave that one up to interpretation. I don't see anyone going too crazy for that one.

• Nostalgia Critic : After Alice escapes one of the queen's monsters by being defended by a mouse, in the most PG way possible by the way...

  [the Dormouse pokes out one of the Bandersnatch's eyes with a pin, followed by the message "A FAMILY picture!"] 

  Nostalgia Critic : ... she comes across the Mad Hatter, who is apparently so mad that he keeps alternating between accents.

• Nostalgia Critic : I'm gonna say it.

  Malice : Critic, you mustn't!

  Nostalgia Critic : I'm sorry! No, don't hold me back!

  [the Critic and Malice argue back and forth briefly, until the Critic explodes:] 

  Nostalgia Critic : "CARE BEARS IN WONDERLAND" IS A BETTER ADAPTATION THAN THIS!

  [the audience is heard booing] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Yeah, come on! I said it! I said it! Who wants some? Come on! Come on!

• Nostalgia Critic : [comparing Tim Burton's "Alice In Wonderland" to "Care Bears In Wonderland"]  Apart from at least giving us what the fucking title promises, "Care Bears In Wonderland", and NOT Underland, is still mad nonsense where everything is backwards! The villain of the movie wants to bring sense and order to it. That would be a legitimate threat to their world, so the fear in the movie is 100% justified! Here, the queen is just a jerk, but as long as she's as crazy as the rest of them, which she supposedly is, Wonderland... Oh, I'm sorry, *Underland* shouldn't care! Because, unless you missed what was constantly hammered in, both the story, the book, every interpretation ever made, THEY'RE MAD! THEY'RE ALL FUCKING MAD! So what should they care about any of this bullcrap? And don't get me wrong: Care Bears is an awful movie. It's really bad. They do some stupid shit, like making the queen nice, a whole bunch of other... *fuck*, but in terms of which one is closer to the spirit of what Alice In Wonderland is? I'm sorry, the fucking Care Bears got closer! They embraced the insanity of Wonderland! This one is ashamed to even be called Wonderland! Fuck... that... SHIT!

• Malice : [after Danny Elfman sings "It's Tim"]  We're looking for the Black Rabbit and...

  Danny Elfman : And now, the rendition with the whimsical choir that can only sing in vowels:

  [singing] 

  Danny Elfman : OOO-OOO-OO-OO-OOO-OOO-OOO-OOOOOOO!

  Malice : I beg your pardon, this doesn't help us.

  Danny Elfman : OOOOO-LA-LALA-LALA-LALA-LALALALALALALALALALA-LAAAAAA!

  Malice : If you could just...

  Danny Elfman : OOOH-OOH-OOOOOOH-OOOO-OOO-OOOOOOOH!

  Malice : Well, I tried to be nice.

  [takes out a huge knife] 

  Malice : Excuse me.

  [she walks up to Danny; the Critic looks on in terror, fear and disgust] 

  Danny Elfman : [amid slashing sounds]  Oh, my god, what are you doing? Oh, god, no, not that! Oh, no, put that back to my body! Oh, no, I need those! I need those! Oh, god! Oh, Jesus Christ! I've never felt so much pain! All right, he went down that way! OOOOOOOH!

  Malice : [returning, covered in blood]  Right then, he says we just follow that road.

  [points to her right] 

  Nostalgia Critic : [scared out of his wits]  Goody... You go in front of me while I start the review...

  Malice : Very good.

  [walks off and the Critic follows] 

  Nostalgia Critic : [to camera]  She seemed so nice!

• Nostalgia Critic : And of course, as it goes, all the things that Alice will come across inevitably will work their way into her fantasy world as well, like the owner complaining about the white roses, talking to Tweedlekinda and Tweedlesorta, and, of course, what seems like an insane society needing to be challenged.

• [in the movie, Alice drinks from the "Drink Me" bottle] 

  Nostalgia Critic : She, of course, shrinks down, wearing... a convenient mini dress that she had on her? Maybe she was gonna play goth Barbie later... and enters the rather gray and blurry world of Wonderland.

  [singing to the tune of "Pure Imagination"] 

  Nostalgia Critic : There is no life I know phoned in like computer generation...

• Nostalgia Critic : You'll notice quickly that all of the characters speak to her like they've encountered her before. And, that's because, they have! Yeah, I bet you thought you were going to get the story of Alice in Wonderland, didn't you? God, I don't know how the fuck you got THAT stupid idea! But no, this is a semi-sequel, not based on the semi-sequel because all the logic they semi-throw in semi-makes no sense.

• Nostalgia Critic : [seeing Malcolm]  Hey, is it me, or does that guy look familiar?

  [sees that Malcolm is Carrotjuice in disguise] 

  Carrotjuice : NOPE!

  Nostalgia Critic : Oh, okay, it must be one of them... HEY!

  Carrotjuice : Hey, hey, hey!

  [zips away as the Critic and Malice give chase] 

  Carrotjuice : Oh happy day, oh happy day.

  Nostalgia Critic : What's he so happy about anyway?

• Nostalgia Critic : So the Hatter lets Alice know that Wonderland used to be ruled by the White Queen, played by Anne Hathaway, until the Red Queen summoned her Jabberwocky to destroy everything. Oh, the heartbreaking tragedy. If only there was some sort of warning they could've had to prepare them for this... like a calendar that predicts the future and is never ever wrong. Wait a minute! Didn't they say that fucking thing predicts whatever's gonna happen?

  Absolem : [about the Oraculum]  It tells of each and every day since the beginning.

  Nostalgia Critic : Well, why the flying hell were they just partying then? Did they miss the part where we all burn and get our asses fried? You'd think somebody would've put a goddamn bookmark on that section, wouldn't you?

• Nostalgia Critic : Is there any goddamn consistency in this place? Should we just rename the characters the Kinda Mad Hatter? Should we change the phrase to "just a little quirky but still totally reasonable as a March hare"?

• Tim Burton : [appearing before the Critic and Malice, similar to the Wizard of Oz]  I am the great and powerful Tim!

  Nostalgia Critic : Oh, goddamn it, Burton, you're not even ripping off the right source material! You're destroying "The Wizard of Oz"! You don't need to do that! Sam Raimi already did that!

  Tim Burton : Critic, why do you hate my work so much? I'm just trying to bring something creative and new.

  Nostalgia Critic : Then bring us something creative and new, not try to destroy what was already fine with your tired cliches!

• [the Critic and Malice run into Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham Carter, dressed as a Tweedledee/Tweedledum pair] 

  Malice : Who in the blazes are you?

  Johnny Depp : If you're looking for strangeness, you needn't look harder.

  Helena Bonham Carter : For he's Tweedledepp and I'm Tweedlecarter.

  Nostalgia Critic : Oh, that's right, the ceremonial Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham Carter appearances.

  Malice : But I thought that they were talented actors, playing a variety of characters.

  Nostalgia Critic : They were, until they found their niche playing crazy eccentric homeless-looking people.

  Johnny Depp : For I'm the Mad Hatter and her the Red Queen. We chew up the scenery scene after scene.

  Helena Bonham Carter : We act through bad wardrobe and hair that's insane, and make-up so thick, it'd rival "Hunger Games".

  Johnny Depp : We bulge out our eyes.

  Helena Bonham Carter : And twiddle our fingers.

  Johnny Depp : Doing this gets us both 'round near ten figures.

  Nostalgia Critic : Yes, and as you'll notice, neither of them really do anything different.

• Nostalgia Critic : [after mentioning that Johnny Depp plays the Mad Hatter]  Of course, his "not very" lunacy is only offset by Helena Bonham Carter's "not very" lunacy, as she plays the Red Queen. And actually, at first, it almost kind of works. Because in the beginning, she seems to get upset over stupid silly things, like who ate her tarts.

• Nostalgia Critic : For whatever fucking reason, they keep bringing in this political power struggle and talk of the prophecy, and that's not what "Alice In Wonderland" is about! It's supposed to be a fun road trip of dream-like nonsense; an escape from reality through creative surrealism. It's supposed to be a child-like experience, not a fucking war movie! But, listen, these characters constantly talk like they're in a war movie!

• [in the film, Alice and her mother argue about the former not wearing a corset, which the latter considers proper] 

  Nostalgia Critic : [in an irritatingly high pitch]  And now it's time for "Tired Oppression Cliches For Tired Free-Spirited Whippersnappers"!

  [Alice's mother notices that Alice is also not wearing stockings] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Ooh! Most unorthodox!

  [Alice wonders what it would be like to fly] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Oh, how uncivilized!

  [Alice recalls how her father used to believe in six impossible things before breakfast] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Oh, heavens to Betsy!

  [Hamish Ascot says to remain silent when in doubt] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Oh, much better!

  [a woman says she hates ugly grandchildren] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Oh! How very proper!

  [Alice is uncomfortable with marrying Hamish] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Ooh! How obviously not stuck-up and wrong! I hope no other character in any other movie ever made repeats what she does in this film! That would be randy!

• [in the film, the Wonderland characters are in a war movement to put the White Queen back in power] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Oh, come on, could you see the Mad Hatter getting involved with a cause?

  [shows the Mad Hatter, the original Disney animated version, amid a crowd in a Russian movement] 

  Nostalgia Critic : [imitating the Mad Hatter]  The Communist flag will rise! Ohohoho!

  [shows a shot of the Disney animated Cheshire Cat] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Can you see the original Cheshire Cat getting involved with Freedom Fighters?

  [cut to the Cheshire Cat in the newer film] 

  Cheshire Cat : I never get involved in politics.

  Nostalgia Critic : Oh, is that why you constantly get involved with political movements every couple of scenes?

  Cheshire Cat : Goodbye.

  [disappears] 

• Nostalgia Critic : So she makes it to the castle where, again, in a PG film, she climbs over the severed heads in a bloody river of the Queen's victims...

  [the message "A Disney Picture!" is displayed] 

  Nostalgia Critic : ... and eventually comes across the captured White Rabbit.

• Nostalgia Critic : [in the movie, Alice is told that she must face the Jabberwocky alone]  Why? Because some magic toilet paper told you so? Why does any of this have to be this way? It doesn't! It's total bullshit! For a world that's apparently supposed to have no rules, there sure do seem to be a lot of... RULES!

• Nostalgia Critic : Why bring sense and logic to a world that celebrates having no sense and logic? It just sucks the fun out of it.

  Helena Bonham Carter : Who would want fun when there's gloom instead?

  Johnny Depp : That's like talking through your teeth, not hearing what's said.

• Malice : [about Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham Carter, dressed as Tweedledee and Tweedledum]  I apologize, but they annoy me.

  [pulls out her knife] 

  Malice : I'm going to kill them.

  Nostalgia Critic : [stopping her]  What is wrong with you? You're usually so nice! Stop killing people!

  Malice : Oh, I'm afraid I already did when you looked over there.

  [points to her right] 

  Nostalgia Critic : What?

  [looking to his right] 

  Nostalgia Critic : I didn't look over there.

  [he looks back to see Malice covered in blood and holding a brain in one hand and an eyeball in the other] 

  Nostalgia Critic : DAMN IT! You really did escape from a mental institution!

  Malice : Well, I assume you did, too, given how you're dressed.

  Nostalgia Critic : Yeah, but I'm a celebrity. When you dress weird, it's crazy. When I dress weird, it's avant-garde.

• Nostalgia Critic : [about Alice]  If she does think this is all a dream, what does she care what happens to the Hatter? What does she care if it's her fault? She has no obligations in a dream! Though then again, maybe that would explain why her performance is about as invested as Willy Wonka saving a bratty child.

• Nostalgia Critic : [the White Rabbit gives Alice some cake that makes her grow huge]  And this is another reason why Wonderland doesn't work as a strategic world of war: There's cake that makes you grow huge. Whoever has that shit, battle over! You win! Mass produce that shit, and make an army of King Kongs! You could squash this place like a Lego city faster than you can say "curiouser and curiouser"! It's like if Malice and I had some of that cake, and we suddenly came across a threat.

  [suddenly, they hear of a dragon roaring; they run into a Jabberwocky-like creature with a computer for a head] 

  Jibberjabber : I am the terrible Jibberjabber, writer of these terrible movies!

  [Malice eats a bit of cake and grows to giant size] 

  Jibberjabber : Allow me to make your lives more needlessly complicate...

  [sees Malice has grown to giant size] 

  Jibberjabber : Oh dear...

  [Malice stomps her foot down on the Jibberjabber, crushing it] 

  Nostalgia Critic : But no, rather than kill the queen in her tracks even though she's a giant, she makes up a story about who she is. Why? What's the purpose? She could bite her head off like a fucking animal cracker!

• Nostalgia Critic : [the White Queen gives Alice some soup that makes her shrink]  Wait a minute, they're shrinking her down? Why the flying fuck are they shrinking her down? She has to fight a gigantic Jabberwocky, remember? Did we forget our little stomp talk?

  [replays the scene of Malice crushing the Jibberjabber] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Come on, guys! This makes about as much sense as the Cheshire Cat wanting to help the rebellion, but uses his god-like powers just to save one person...

  [in the film, the Mad Hatter is about to be executed, but it actually turns out to be a transformed Cheshire Cat] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Oh, come on! He could turn into Godzilla, and squash the place if he wanted! There's a bajillion things he could have done here! He could win this war in the blink of a goddamn eye! But, hey, like he said...

  Cheshire Cat : I never get involved in politics.

  Nostalgia Critic : [imitating the Cat]  Only when bad writing dictates so.

• Nostalgia Critic : [chastising Tim Burton over the depiction of war in "Alice In Wonderland"]  I think the only reason you allow these adaptations to be so war-hungry is because you like getting shots of armies lining up!

  [he shows images of such scenes in "Mars Attacks", "Planet of the Apes" and "Batman Returns"] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Seriously, look at all these movies that you've used them in! You're like obsessed with them!

  Tim Burton : Hey, now, come on, those scenes came from "Mars Attacks", "Planet of the Apes", and "Batman Returns". As we all know, those were critically acclaimed masterpiece...

  [the Critic and Malice wait expectantly] 

  Tim Burton : [weakly]  But they look so cool...

• Nostalgia Critic : [in the movie, Alice beheads the Jabberwocky]  So that takes the Red Queen out of power, Queen Uninteresting is in control again, and the Hatter feels he can finally celebrate by doing his dance.

  [as a techno beat is heard, the Mad Hatter does the Futterwacken] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Whoa, wait a minute, is Wonderland... Oh, sorry... Underland getting... jiggy? I think it is! Boy, he ain't no Paperman! He really swings out with the mess of jive! Oh my God, I have never seen anything this crunk since I saw Vanilla Ice cracking to the tune of Macaroni and Cheese! O-ho-ho, Hatter, you be dope!

  Malice : Are you sure you didn't escape from a mental institution?

• Nostalgia Critic : [coming to the end of the movie]  So, she uses her new-found expertise in sword fighting and monster slaying... into the trading business... which this movie never mentioned she has any knowledge of... to begin with.

  [Alice is seen on a ship bound for Hong Kong] 

  Nostalgia Critic : So, she sails the Wonder - Oh, don't you mean "Under"? - where she sets to start her brand new life.

  [as she sets sail, a blue butterfly lands on her shoulder] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Really? That's our big closer? I've seen more thrilling conclusions out of Berenstain Bears.

• Nostalgia Critic : [in the movie, Wonderland is really called Underland]  So let me get this straight: in "Alice In Wonderland", the story based on the Lewis Carroll novel, Alice is not a girl, she's a woman; she's not *in* Wonderland, she's *returning* to Wonderland; and Wonderland itself, in fact, isn't Wonderland at all, it's called "Underland".

  [incredulous] 

  Nostalgia Critic : UNDERLAND? UNDER... That sounds like a made-up world in a Fruit of the Loom commercial! I'm sorry, how the flying fuck am I supposed to take an adaptation seriously when you can't even get one word, ONE FUCKING WORD OF THE GODDAMN TITLE RIGHT?