. . . regarding the singular title character of his Bullwinkle Show fable called THE PORCUPINE AND THE TIGERS. Porcupines are nocturnal herbivore rodents, consuming diets of leaves, herbs, clover, bark and twigs. No self-respecting porcupine would be caught dead gnawing on animal bones, particularly when they're slathered with tiger drool. This fact more or less negates Aesop's entire exercise in misinformation. If Aesop were a seat filler on America's high kangaroo court, he could fly his U. S. flag upside down in support of insurrection, and later blame it on his wife. But, as Bullwinkle fans well know, Aesop is a single dad. Were Aesop a Kenyan, he'd chow down on porcupines for dessert, instead of orange sherbet. Then he wouldn't worry as much if his freezer was on the fritz. However, as a Roman slave, Aesop's main civic duty is to bellow "I am SPARTACUS!!"
Reviews
3,090 Reviews
The Bullwinkle Show: Terror on the Seas or We've Only Begun to Fright/Blank Night or The Age of Nothing
(1961)
Aesop does not seem to be very well-versed . . .
Season 2, Episode 49
17 May 2024
Before the days when multiple-time losers of the . . .
14 May 2024
. . . U. S. Presidential popular vote began to forge their monikers onto so-called "Bibles" just because they lived in namesake towers, Joe Gutenberg printed the most famous Holy Books in history under HIS name. While JOHANNES GUTENBERG scriptures sell for millions of clams per tome, the cheap knock-off editions are expected to soon be worth less than a diploma from Dumpster Fire University. However, during this Improbable History entry, Mr. Peabody scrupulously observes Separation of Sect and Toon dicta by focusing only on the title character's warm-up efforts in journalism. As such, Joe never takes a ride on a Golden Escalator.
This is the picture that biographers claim . . .
14 May 2024
. . . drove American poet S. Plath to the deep end of her oven a few months after its debut in London. Sylvia, of course, as a life-long devotee of the occult, was sure to take a film titled THE WITCH'S BROOM 110% seriously. She had never met a Tarot card deck, Ouija board or astrological chart over which she did not spend months poring. As a diagnosed obsessive compulsive, Sylvia spent most of her housewife duty time on recess studying witches, demons, warlocks, devils, hexes, spells, curses and whatnot. However, biographers agree that THE WITCH'S BROOM proved too tough of a nut for the beleaguered poet's nodding noggin to crack. So, if YOU can survive a viewing of THE WITCH'S BROOM, you'll be one up on Sylvia.
Every school kid in the 1900's knew the story of . . .
12 May 2024
. . . HANS CLINKER. Based upon Danish author H. C. Anderson's childhood, it relates the facts about the Dark Days prior to Denmark's adoption of socialized medicine, when the Clinker Clan could not come up with the clams needed to underwrite Mrs. Clinker's desperately needed hypothalamus transplant. Surgeons demanded that the Clinker's fork over the millions of Dickens necessary for the procedure up front, even though Mrs. Clinker's autonomous nervous system was getting wackier by the day. However, as his mom was taking a turn for the worse, Hans miraculously obtained a pair of Silver Skates, allowing him to win enough prize money to finance the operation. Even though Mrs. Anderson passed away at the finish line, the bereaved family was enabled to purchase one of the most ostentatious markers in the entire cemetery. However, The Bullwinkle Show wisely shifts the focus of this story to tuba lessons for HANS CLINKER.
The Bullwinkle Show: Fear on the Pier or What's Up Dock?/TNT for Two or Fright Cargo
(1961)
Some singing animals are more humorous than . . .
Season 2, Episode 47
10 May 2024
. . . others. Six years prior to THE SICK LION's release, director Chuck Jones and writer Michael Maltese had collaborated on what is still the funniest singing animal cartoon of all time, ONE FROGGY EVENING. Featuring the only appearance of Michigan J. Frog in a 20th Century theatrical release, this animated short had audiences somersaulting down the aisles with uncontrollable laughter and inspired the future middle initials of Rocky and Bullwinkle. However, Aesop and Son's SICK LION is a total washout in the mirth department compared to the unpredictable warbling amphibian. THE SICK LION needs a permanent rest cure.
Abigail
(2024)
Ballet fans are sure to be tickled pink . . .
8 May 2024
. . . by ABIGAIL, one of the best pictures ever enabling aunts to interest their nephews in Swan Lake. ABIGAIL does not give in to the temptation to overdose viewers with Tchaikovsky, as BLACK SWAN did. After the opening scene, there's barely a peep heard from Peter Ill-itch, which will suit most teen boys just fine. However, they'll just love ABIGAIL's resourceful use of a prima doughnut's main moves, allowing her to eviscerate a sorry sad sack of Bismarck's that proves to be cheaper by the half dozen. Most dance flicks tend to send male viewers deep into Slumber Land. Not ABIGAIL, which is likely to keep them on the edge of their yawn chairs.
THE MYSTERIOUS CASTLE will boggle the minds of . . .
8 May 2024
. . . most viewers. As the title edifice of a "Fractured Fairy Tale," this high-rise pops up more than halfway through the enigmatic story. Featuring a crime fighter NOT named "Dudley Do-Right," CASTLE resembles the typical 21st Century American police agency in being more trouble than he's worth with his constant demands for remuneration, gluttonous appetite and unquestioning sense of entitlement. Therefore, when the prison-like turret suddenly appears on the outskirts of town, it's reasonable to assume that the villagers have erected it as a maximum security prison to rid themselves once and for all from the burden of their egregious law enforcer. However, this proves NOT to be the case.
Those of us seeing wild ducks waddling . . .
2 May 2024
, , , through our yards every now and then are prone to be on the lookout for good waterfowl recipes. Just as some of the neighbors around here are known for their squirrel stew, raccoon ribs or possum pot-luck, we all believe that it's always open season on trespassing turkeys, geese, peacocks and ducks. A few of us may draw the line at swans, owls, hawks or eagles, but such mean birds really are not designed for good eating, anyway. On the other hand, as THE UGLY ALMOND DUCKLING illustrates, many critters including cattle, chickens and pigs behave as if they're fully aware of their prime objectives: To become our lunch or supper. ALMOND DUCKLING depicts such creature behavior very accurately.
Maybe "the early bird actually DOES get the worm . . . "
30 April 2024
. . . but is this really a desirable outcome? Many of us are more of night owls than early birds. I never heard of an owl so hard up for food that it had to resort to pecking worms, slugs, grubs, ants or spiders out of the ground and grass. My understanding is that owls dine on all sorts of tangy game meat; their slogan could be "We've got the meats!" at least in the avian universe. This Bullwinkle Show's entry for Aesop and son--THE ROBIN, THE PELICAN AND THE ANGLEWORM--does NOT feature a member of the owl clan. That's why most viewers will find this film to be in very poor taste. As Mr. Dunn wrote, "Ask not for whom the worm turns: it peels for you."
"i'm rich! Now I can live in the manner . . . "
20 April 2024
" . . . To which I'm unaccustomed," blurts the accidental recipient of a pirate's booty in gold. Speaking of swashbuckling derrieres, viewers of this spin on the Beauty and the Beast story will be reminded of what befalls the nameless old woman between chapters 11 and 20 of Voltaire's CANDIDE. At any rate, the beast here might as well be anonymous, since his frequently shown name plaque is continually misspelled. It's as if the crew took a time machine to the future, and hired Sade as a naming consultant. Regardless, the beast learns that all that glitters in the mirror is not gold, and that an ogre must gore the hand that feeds him.
The Bullwinkle Show: Wailing Whale/Vagabond Voyage or The Castoffs Cast Off
(1961)
The main problem with SNOW WHITE . . .
Season 2, Episode 46
20 April 2024
. . . MEETS RAPUNZEL is that Snow White NEVER meets Rapunzel. This is because Snow White's son, Prince John, is such a bird-brain. Raised as a coach tomato, John is all thumbs when it comes to fingers. No one who has wilted in the endless lines at Dizzy World can picture Snow White or any of the other clueless princesses changing a baby's diaper. Soiled undies have consequences, just like elections. When the unfortunate dude saddled with Snow White finally orders Prince John to find a more level-headed princess than his mom, John stumbles across Rapunzel. However, after the witch prunes Rapunzel's locks, John cannot figure out an alternate access route. Fortunately, Prince Charming is not stuck with a Dizzy princess for a mom.
The Dudley Do-Right Show: Mother Whiplash's Log Jam/Stolen Art Masterpieces/Mechanical Dudley
(1959)
Not all Art is Equal.
Season 1, Episode 8
10 April 2024
This seems to be the message of Dudley Do-Right's STOLEN ART MASTERPIECES. "Newt descending a staircase" may well be stolen, but it certainly does not resemble an "art masterpiece." Even by Canadian standards, Fig Newton's slop of paint is more worthy of the trash bin than for public display on the wall of even a latrine. Speaking of garbage bins, it's too bad Newt never thought of doing something cutting edge, such as curating the trash barrels of a major city such as Montreal or Detroit, rescuing discarded drink containers having an affinity for each other, then meticulously cleaning them in the artist's kitchen sink, carefully arranging select compatible pieces in a large cardboard box--smaller boxes are in order for glass--writing detailed inventories of each box's contents with full descriptions of brand, volume, flavor, alcohol content--if any, container type, label colors and cap colors and then using heavy duty packing tape to seal everything safely together. This is the sort of artwork that great nations such as America produce.
The Bullwinkle Show: Defective Story or A Muffled Report/Leaky Lyrics or Bullwinkle Plugs a Song
(1961)
One of the more puzzling pieces of this episode . . .
Season 2, Episode 50
9 April 2024
. . . concerns its Broken Fairy Tale, whose subtitle seems difficult for anyone to get right. It is NOT "Tom Thumb." Nor is it "T-h-o-m Thumb." Actually, the correct heading is T-H-O-M T-U-M. This is intended to be a homonym for a percussion instrument, specifically a type of drum. The mud pie maker's gluttonous son is in the habit of pounding his full tummy in the fashion of a tom-tom. However, this magic boy's food receptacle is seldom full. He can engorge mountains of grub, and still have room for several deserts. His tale includes many twists and turns, with a surprise lurking around every mud puddle. Be careful you do not get splashed.
I'm a little bit puzzled by the title of this . . .
4 April 2024
. . . picture. The main character seems to be named "G-o-d-z-i-l-l-a X. Kong." That dude's Christian name is so outlandish that it is not even recognized by this site's spellchecker. Furthermore, the last name is not such an acceptable moniker, either. Other than Donkey Kong, who used to play for the Lions, how many Kong's are known to the average person? Not very many. Hong Kong doesn't really count, since that denotes a city in Asia--NOT an individual person. Finally, viewers are never informed as to what Kong's middle initial abbreviates. Here again the choices appear to be rather limited. There's Xavier, known mostly as a school with a basketball team. Beyond that, X-Ray is about the only other option, and linguists generally won't count that one.
The Bullwinkle Show: Underwater Eyeball or The Deep Blue See/Underwater Moose or The Aqua-lunk
(1961)
If I'm not mistaken, there's a 1939 version of . . .
Season 2, Episode 48
4 April 2024
. . . this Bullwinkle Show's "Fractured Fairy Tale" starring Shirley Temple. Fortunately, Bullwinkle's remake of THE LITTLE PRINCESS is a lot funnier than Shirley's foray, even though this briefer iteration packs in a lot more tears per minute than the earlier sob-fest feature film managed to manifest. The 1939 take on this story added a lot of plot padding to the essential tale, much of it totally extraneous and a huge strain on basic common sense. What kind of dad would turn into a poster boy for amnesia, with someone like Shirley back home depending upon him? However, the later diminutive Royal and her father face real problems of their own, that dwarf Ms. Temple's adventures with an ash can. If you want to save yourself an hour or two, THIS take on THE LITTLE PRINCESS should be your obvious choice.
The Bullwinkle Show: Fun on the Freeway or The Quick and the Dead/Bullwinkle Makes a Movie or The Feature from Outer Space
(1961)
If a princess has her heart set on a prince . . .
Season 2, Episode 45
29 March 2024
. . . it seems unlikely that she'd settle for a miner. Yet the lead title character of the broken fairy tale about THE PRINCES AND THE GOBLINS appears to be totally oblivious to the fact that the heir-apparent to the gobbling throne is totally smitten with her, and keeps throwing herself at the grimy coal extractor just because he tries to rhyme "violets" with "blue." What is causing this Royal Wrench to turn her back upon True Love? For one thing, the King Her Pops has waited way too long to instruct her in the ways of the Bees and the Birds. Secondly, he seems to have instilled strong anti-gobbling prejudices in the mind of his offspring. Finally, this dirt-obsessed dame seems to have a propensity to grovel in deep depressions.
The focus of WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE is necessarily . . .
26 March 2024
, , , the constant Real Life thorn in Bill's side, the loathsome Frank Bacon. As chronicled here, Frankie was infamous for pulling off cruel and thoughtless pranks, no matter how many member of the General Public were likely to be endangered, maimed or mortally wounded by his reckless misconduct. As a Royal Toady, Frank led a seemingly charmed existence, careening through Life from one mishap to another, never held fully to account for the wanton mayhem he launched against the Social Order, merely to amuse his warped circle of acquaintance. Whether unleashing Big Cats of Prey during Bill's plays or trumping up bogus reasons for rigged duels, Bacon always was out to brain the bard. Frank's evil Core Supporters persisted like poison ivy for centuries, eventually concocting ludicrous conspiracy theories--all of which were laughed out of Court--that the totally untalented Frankie actually penned some or all of Bill's Masterworks! Only those who think that the demented Tory traitor Clem Moore wrote Yankee War Hero Hank Livingston's "Twas the Night before Christmas" would believe a fairy tale like that!
The Bullwinkle Show: Last Angry Moose/A Punch in the Snoot or The Nose Tattoo
(1961)
When Aesop was alive . . .
Season 2, Episode 44
26 March 2024
. . . no one had discovered Gravity. Furthermore, medical doctors knew very little about the physical make-up and capabilities of the human body, either. Since trains had yet to be invented, Ancients of Aesop's era has no idea about the massive weight of a locomotive and the cars it would be pulling along on future railroad tracks. This is why "Aesop and Son"--THE FOX AND THE WINKING HORSE will strike those of us living in this Our Modern 21st Century as being a little bit off kilter. Humans and horses cannot actually hop on their heads along the streets like so many inverted p-o-g-o sticks, as this would result in fatal neck fractures. The recently discovered Laws of Gravity forbid trains to take it into their engines to behave in this fashion as well. Parking meters, chewing gum ball dispenser machines and big wheel bikes are among the other anachronisms included during this poorly researched story.
The Dudley Do-Right Show: The Disloyal Canadians/Finding Gold/Stokey the Bear
(1961)
There's more to mining than making sand castles . . .
Season 1, Episode 1
23 March 2024
, , , at the beach. FINDING GOLD teaches young viewers that all that glitters is not Fool's Goldfish. When Mr. Whiplash is foolish enough to mistake a hole in the sand for a mining tunnel, he winds up in the hoosegow, where such a clueless character belongs. Those of us who are descended from the diamond drill bit-guided underground shaft miners of the 1800's and 1900's, and who've inherited many pounds of narrow rock cylindrical "drill cores" probably have heard a fair share of family histories passed down through the generations of how disastrous it is to those hankering for an above-ground mining career when a survey core driller breaks off one of these diamond bits deep underground, beyond any chance of recovery. The ignorant Whiplash dwells in mining country, but has not learned the first lesson about FINDING GOLD.
The Bullwinkle Show: Subway Finish, or An Underground Round/The Last Edition, or Five-Scar Final
(1961)
Everyone loves a romance story blended . . .
Season 2, Episode 43
23 March 2024
. . . with one or more stalwart steeds in the foreground. This is, of course, one of the things that has made Dudley Do-Right of the Mounties--with Nell Fen-Wick's attraction for Dudley's Mount--so popular during the passing decades. This show's "Fractured Fairy Tale" continues in the tradition of Dudley and Nell. SPEEDING BEAUTY concerns a dude who spends a lot of time grooming a smart princess with a steady diet of apples, oats, hay and sugar cubes. Unfortunately, the latter portion of this menu results in the Heartbreak of Dental Carries, and pain-free equine dentistry was not readily at hand in Ye Olden Days, resulting in a lot of nagging.
The Bullwinkle Show: When Moose Meets Moose, or Two's a Crowd/The Midnight Chew-Chew, or This Gum for Hire
(1961)
Someone from the American Canine Club . . .
Season 2, Episode 41
15 March 2024
. . . should have been hired as a consultant for drawing the animated dogs appearing on The Bullwinkle Show. There frequently is a mismatch between the mutt called for in the script, and what actually appears on the screen. Take the Aesop and Son fable included within Season 2, Episode 41"s program, for instance. This segment is titled as THE HOUND AND THE WOLF. However, the only cur depicted clearly is met to resemble a sheepdog, which is the function it performs during Aesop's story. This shaggy dog certainly is NOT a hound. It's unlikely that Aesop is the cause of this confusion, as the American Canine Club did not exist when he wrote this fable.
The Bullwinkle Show: Hop Skip and Junk, or Bullwinkle's Big Tow/Bucks for Boris, or The Green Paper Caper
(1961)
If I'm not mistaken, this episode of . . .
Season 2, Episode 40
14 March 2024
. . . The Bullwinkle Show includes the THIRD "Fractured Fairy Tale" featuring Rumpelstiltskin. After debuting in his namesake segment, Rum returned in--naturally enough--RUMPELSTILTSKIN RETURNS. Now, in the third part of this triptych, SON OF RUMPELSTILTSKIN reveals that the title character is celebrating his 600th birthday and is so far gone in the throes of old-timer's malady that he cannot remember his own name. Obviously, any right-thinking person will view this development as being more tragic than humorous. Why would any entertainment outfit bend over backwards to filch the joy from beloved kids' stories?
The Dudley Do-Right Show: Elevenworth Prison/Saw Mill/Mountie Without a Horse
(1959)
Cheerleaders often brag about their ability to . . .
Season 1, Episode 7
11 March 2024
. . . "do the splits," which by definition involves very close contact with the gymnasium floor--or, for high school football games, the surface of the all-weather track. During THE SAWMILL episode of the Dudley Do-Right Show, Nell Fen-Wick is threatened with doing this maneuver the hard way, that is in a vertical fashion rather than the traditional horizontal method sports fans have come to love and expect. Some cheerleaders tend to perform this function in a multi-stage progression, but Nell's impending division appears to loom more immediately, if two or three days can be considered rapid-fire. The Chicago Museum of Coal Mines used to display a lady sectioned much thinner than Nell's impending reduction in its stairwell, but this other female has probably been interred by now due to popular demand.
John Philip Holland is the title character of . . .
9 March 2024
. . . an otherwise gripping Peabody's Improbable History chapter called, simply, JOHN HOLLAND. This picture teaches viewers that the Holland Tunnel connecting New York City to New Jersey is named after a John Holland. It turns out that John Hollands were a dime a dozen around New York back then, so leaving out the submarine dude's middle name of "Philip" could lead to potential confusion. However, a cursory check of the records indicate that J. P. Holland kicked the bucket BEFORE planning for the Holland Tunnel was finished. Furthermore, the under-the-river passage commemorates Clifford M. Holland, the tunnel's actual chief engineer, who suddenly expired prior to its completion, which came long after J. P. Holland's demise.
The Bullwinkle Show: The Bank Busters, or The Great Vaults/Sweet Violence, or The Yegg and I
(1961)
Shooting irons always have played a big role in . . .
Season 2, Episode 38
9 March 2024
. . . American Culture, and the Aesop and Son segment here titled THE FOX AND THE OWL attests to this fact. One of the title characters featured in this picture eradicates the other one with what looks to be a musket. The fact that this off-screen perforation proves fatal to its intended target is verified by the dude narrating this fable. Will young children heed this lesson to grab the nearest Peacemaker and serve as the sole judge, jury and executioner for any stray moocher happening by their domicile? Anyone looking at America's blasting statistics accumulated during the 65 or so years since the release of THE FOX AND THE OWL would be hard-pressed to argue that this is not the case.
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