MorganStable Reviews

All the King's Men (2006)

To quote A History of Violence

[2/10 · 12 February 2007]

How could you F--k that up?!?

A cast to die for. Gorgeous cinematography. A story that already won an Oscar.

So where did this movie go wrong?

The casting - Great actors doesn't mean they're always great for the part. Would it have killed them to find a few actors who could be convincing as Southerners? So much miscast talent. Jude Law, who can be good as the really handsome guy or whatever he does, is totally lost in this role. Loved that Jackie Early Haley.

The pace - Deadly. So slow. Such little tension. Booorrrriiiinnnngggggg.

Enough of me. I'm get annoyed just thinking about the film.

On Her Majesty's Secret Service (1969)

The Sleeper Hit of all Bonds

[9/10 · 2 January 2007]

You've heard all the complaining about this Bond film. But have you actually sat down and watched it recently? I've been a Bond nut for 25 years. And I don't think I've seen this one since I was a kid. Until last night at 3am. And what I re-discovered....

• The Music. John Barry's work was never better than bass and horn driven theme. Adds a whole level of excitement.

• Diana Rigg. Just when you thought casting couldn't beat Denise Richards as a physicist, Ms Rigg enters the scene. She's the most gorgeous and alluring of all the Bond women. After all, she's the only one who stole Bond's heart, and not just his nards.

• The Editing. It's surprisingly zippy for a 60s movie, covering the cheesy use of blue screen while making the action scenes jump off the screen. Bond's attempt to escape Spectre is amongst the finest set pieces of any Bond film..

• George Lazzeby. A real find. Charming, yet still able to get across some Daniel Craig menace. He's no Connery, but I actually don't think Connery could pull this movie off as well, because...

• Tragedy. Bond loses at the end of this film. Big time. His and Diana Rigg looking forward to "all the time in the world" breaks your heart

It's no Thunderball. Nor Goldfinger. But it sticks with you more than almost any other Bond film. Next time it's on Spike or TBS or Encore (which should be in the next ten minutes), give it a go.

Daredevil (2003)

How could you F this UP?

[2/10 · 13 December 2006]

I'll get the good out of the way. Jon Favreau. Adds class and gravitas AND humor. And Colin Firth's arrogance adds to the character of Bullseye.

That's about it.

Affleck and Garner were TERRIBLE. The voice-over might have been bad even if Morgan freeman read it, but its unbearable with Mr Affleck's flat, nasal delivery.

The action scenes? Totally confusing.

Kingpin? Um... I have no idea what he was doing. Just seemed to hang out and glower.

Showdown (I) (1993)

The Bizarro Karate Kid

[1/10 · 21 October 2006]

It's 3am right now, and I had the TV on just to fall asleep to. And up comes Showdown. With the awful Flock of Seagulls hairdos and worse wardrobe (denim as far as the eye can see), I just assumed it's a mid 80s Karate Kid knockoff. But it's from 1993!!!! Post grunge. But none of the filmmakers knew that.

It's actually two movies. One about Billy Blanks who's good at kicking backside (and apparently is a janitor). The other's about some high school doof who likes Christine Taylor, and is willing to use his lame karate to win her over (sort of like how I woo'd my wife). I watched two scenes back-to-back and LITERALLY thought I had changed the channel.

I have never been more confused by anything. Ever. Movies written entirely in the Apocalypto language would make more sense.

And to top it off, one of the last lines of the movie is... "You did it." "No, we did it"

I can't imagine anyone will ever watch this intentionally. But if you do, please let me know your thoughts.

Hellraiser: Hellworld (2005 Video)

It's about a video game... so set the film at a rave?

[2/10 · 2 February 2006]

It's pretty rare that you notice how bad the lead actress is in a straight to video horror sequel.

But sadly, that's one of the smaller problems of this movie.

Hellraiser use to be one of those rare horror films that had a real mythology to it. Not just a guy with a hockey mask, but stories that made you use a little bit of your brain between moments of mayhem and nudity.

Not anymore. Now it's just a slasher film dressed up in Pinheads clothes.

The worst part of this installment? It's about a bunch of video game addicts. So they have the entire movie take place at a rave, featuring lots of fellatio. Makes perfect sense.

The saddest part? I got this off netflix, and it took me about three months to watch the whole thing. So it was like a $36 rental - equal to what Lance Henriksen's agents must have gotten.

The scariest part? Lance Henriksen's smile in an expository photo. the stuff of nightmares.

L Man

The Hitcher II: I've Been Waiting (2003 Video)

Makes perfect sense!!!

[4/10 · 27 June 2005]

I'll admit... this is not a good movie. But it has some things that always work.

1. A buxom woman and the star of SOUL MAN running for their lives in the middle of the dessert. Joyride. Duel. Breakdown. It's everybody's biggest fear... except for being stuck in a cornfield.

2. Jake Busey's teeth.

SPOILER SPOILER

3. KILLING OFF THE LEAD half way through the film. Totally unexpected... except by C Thomas Howell's agent I suppose.

4. An airport runway that magically appears out of nowhere. Love that!!!

5. Completely random reference to the grisly murder from the end of the original.

6. About ten different endings.

7. Flaming body parts.

As straight to DVD fare goes, this is surprisingly palpable. Totally worth waiting half my life to see this sequel.

e

Napoleon Dynamite (2004)

F-----G Awful

[1/10 · 22 August 2004]

Why do you people like this movie? It's basically one long nerd joke with no characters, no plot, no nothing. I saw this with a packed house. Five people laughed at every so-called joke. The rest of us were silent. My buddy went out and wandered the streets instead of watching the second half.

I'm sorry. It's not funny. And the filmmakers seem to hate all of the characters - ripping off movies like Rushmore and Election without an ounce of those movies compassion or depth.

It's unfunny sketches strung together. You could have played the movie out of order and nobody would have known the difference.

And it ends with a weird dose of racism.

sux

50 First Dates (2004)

Did I laugh at this? I don't remember.....

[3/10 · 22 February 2004]

A comedy in which I laughed out loud app four times. Once I chuckled. A small guffaw or two. That was it. For 90 minutes.

Remember when Groundhog Day took the same concept and found every imagineable laugh possible. What does 50 First Dates do... use lines like "Very funny" as a retort. Adam trying new ways to impress Drew for the first time, again and again. "You're the state moron of Hawaii." Sean Astin with a lisp. AND WAY TOO MUCH DRAMA ABOUT DREW'S CONDITION.

I don't ask much of Adam Sandler comedies. And this one couldn't even reach the bare minimum. Hell, even Little Nicky was funnier.

Spy Kids 3: Game Over (2003)

ONE HELLUVA SURPRISE

[7/10 · 31 August 2003]

I've always had a soft spots for number threes.

Nightmare on Elm St: Dream Warriors Friday the 13th in 3-D Porky's 3 Return of the Jedi Beverly Hills Cop 3 (actually, that's one of the Ten worst films ever made. Scratch that)

And Spy Kids 3 has now topped the list. It is a far superior film to either Spy Kids 1 or 2 (a feat I have never seen happen in any franchise)

From the junior gumshoe prologue to George Clooney's remarkable Stallone immitation to the exciting Meca-Car-Chase to the lead boy's poignant cry of "I never got her email!!!" Spy Kids 3 made me feel more like a child than almost any film this summer (notable exceptions: XMen 2 and the blatant nudity from Freddy vs. Jason... which reverted me to a 12 year old in seconds)

It's more than worth a rental... if it includes the 3-D glasses.

Freddy vs. Jason (2003)

FANTASTIC

[19 August 2003]

The movie opens with gratutious nudity, and only gets better from there.

A wonderful campy time.

High body count. AMAZINGLY AWFUL BAD ACTING. The worst dialogue I've ever heard.

It's just a gem.

The Matrix Reloaded (2003)

Dumb Arses

[2/10 · 23 July 2003]

I can't believe you people were suckered in by this pretentious drek.

Here's my biggest beef - if you can tell something's a computer effect, then it hasn't done it's job. For instance, the car chase. First few minutes- great. Exciting. Then something happens - the computer takes over (not unlike the plot of the movie) Green screen. Computerized actors. Computerized cars. Sucky stuff, people.

The last fifteen minutes are just atrocious. The Architect? Puh-leaze.

Shame on anyone who thinks this is smart entertainment. It's high priced shlock.

Go rent Santo and the Blue Demon vs. Wolfman and Dracula instead.

• Lizard Man

Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines (2003)

All things considered - a real good time

[8/10 · 3 July 2003]

Face it: T2 is as good as moviemaking gets. There's no way to beat it, or even to equal it. Take that attitude, and this movie becomes infinitely better.

First: Arnold. This role is why he is on Earth. Still fits him like a glove.

These action sequences are not bombastic over computerized seizures like Matrix Reloadofcrapped. They're based on a semblance of a real world. I personally believed they destroyed all of LA in one car chase. Truly the action highlight of the summer.

Complaints will be heard all across the land. But T3 moves, has several good set pieces, a corker of an ending, strong performances, an engaging story, and one of our most beloved icons keeping the whole ship afloat. The whole lithe affair made me hate Matrix Reloaded even more.

Hulk (2003)

almost got me teary, and frustrated me at the same time

[22 June 2003]

It's late, so I'll just bullet point my thoughts.

1. Hulk as CGI - works most of the time, some of the time it doesn't. Nobody can argue with that. But, like Gollum, the expressions of the face and the fantastic body language made you WANT to believe. Unlike Gollum, some of the shots just don't work at all. The big CG breakthrough for this movie - the manipulation of real settings was just SPECTACULAR. I fully belived that San Fran was getting torn apart.

2. Too long. Cut a half hour.

3. The comic book style - hit and miss.

4. Most of my friends hated the movie, yet.....

5. ..... I found many of the scenes to be incredibly moving, which took me by surprise. Though I secretly hoped that the Hulk would just be ICE Storm with Hulk in the Joan Allen role, I have to admit that Lee pulled off one helluva feat. I sympathized more for the hulk than the entire MATRIX cast (of both movies) combined. And I'll take a faulted movie with emotion over almost any big budget vehicle any day.

The L Man

Teen Wolf Too (1987)

Teen Wolf Remake

[2/10 · 23 May 2003]

This sequel is REMARKABLE. It's note for note the exact same film as Teen Wolf, with boxing replacing basketball (and Jason Bateman as a fourth string Michael J Fox)

But more importantly, I'm one of the four people in this country who saw this in the theaters. In fact, that night I was recovering from surgery on my left shoulder, and my friend's lab had just bitten my right hand. We went to Teen Wolf too thinking the day could not have gotten worse. Whoops.

Instead of renting this, I recommend getting bitten by a dog. Or watch the last scene of Teen Wolf 1. A guy has his pants unbuttoned and tries desperately to cover up in the last shot.

L Man

X2 (2003)

This movie whoops Matrix Reloaded, and you're an idjut if you disagree

[9/10 · 20 May 2003]

The Architect? The French Dude? The Buxom Woman who Wants to Mack with Keanu? The Keymaster?

While Reloaded took a derivative premise and bloated it to incomprehensibility and tedium, X-Men 2 found its groove. Even my non-comic reading fiancee LOVED this movie.

Here's why you should go see this again and again.

1. Action Scenes that are driven by drama instead of just effects - Nightcrawler's attack on the White House is a fantastic set piece... and that's the first minute. Stryker's futile attempt at capturing the School is even better, with new Mutants popping up everywhere, anda furious Wolverine defending his turf.

2. The new characters are terrific. Nightcrawler's nothing shy of perfect. PERFECT. Pyro. Ten seconds of Colossus. Stryker. Bryan Singer's real feat is juggling almost a dozen major roles with such panache.

3. Halle Berry did not even attempt an accent this time. IT's true. Funniest thing I've witnessed in any movie this year. Guess an Oscar makes acting easier.

4. Magento's escape - It's the single finest comic book-esque moment in any adaptation EVER. Except for....

5. Nightcrawler's mid-air rescue of Rogue.

6. You buy what's happening. If you think for a sec: "that's a cool computer effect," than it doesn't work (i.e. about 90 percent of the Matrix Reloaded).

7. A great twist at the end.

X-Men 2 figured out the trick of making a comic book movie. Treat the characters like real characters, and the action, the special effects, and the drama will follow.

The Matrix Reloaded (2003)

If you like this movie, you have my pity

[2/10 · 15 May 2003]

I'll give them credit - the Wachowskis love comic books and Japanimation. And they know how to blur the line between video game and movie with extreme craft.

That being said, I just sat through a very long two-plus hours of alleged razzle dazzle that mostly just sat there like my Uncle Stanley. I know this is half a movie, but all the payoff in the world can not make up for the dead space, monotonous stunts, logic loopholes, wooden performances, subpar effects (yes, some of them just look chintzy), and schmorgasbord approach to plot and character that is the Matrix Reloaded.

X-Men 2 had several action sequences that were exciting, character driven, and fresh. In Matrix 2, the action is so over the top to remove any sense of danger, and thus little sense of excitement. There is not one second in Matrix 2 that came close to the sheer thrill and ingenuity of Magento's escape from X-Men.

And the muddled plot? I'm sorry, but build up for the next sequel is NOT AN EXCUSE. The Keymaster? The Architect? The GHOST NELSONS? The RIDICULOUS FRENCHMAN? This could be a 100 hour miniseries, and it still wouldn't matter. There's nothing interesting or intelligent about any of these new additions, many of which feel like they were straight out of the Mystery Men.

On the positive - the car chase has a few remarkable minutes, as does the fight with the 100 Agent Smiths. But in both cases, the sheer magnitude begins to wear the scenes down.

And yet, critics are taking to this humdrum mess. I don't get it. You might have like it too. Glad one of us felt like they got their eight bucks worth.

Monster's Ball (2001)

WORST FILM OF THE YEAR. WHY WERE YOU PEOPLE FOOLED

[1/10 · 28 April 2003]

When a film's finest performance comes from Puffy, you know you're in trouble.

I've never racism, poverty, murder, and guilt so maudlinly handled without a second of truth.

I'll just list why I hated this movie:

1. Billy Bob, in the stiffest performance EVER, manages to recover from his life-long racism because Halle Berry's hot.

2. To demonstrate that she's poor, Halle Berry drives a car that has apparently been drenched in acid rain.

3. Berry wins the Oscar for SCREAMS and CROCODILE TEARS. The scene where she consumates her hormones with Billy Bob would be very much at home on Mystery Science Theater. Or in any movie with the word "Rod," "Suckers" "15", "Crack", or "Only in the...." in the tite.

4. Peter Boyle looks like he just woke up for each take.

5. Dramatic cross cutting allows us to watch Billy Bob buy ice cream and gas. WHAT THE F%^$?

6. Last like: "I need somebody to take care of me." Somewhere, Gloria Steinman is baning her head against the wall.

7. Chocolate ice cream with a plastic spoon. That's a character detail. Damn it to hell!!!!

And yet, critics, audiences, and the Academy loved it. Has anybody actually been in a poor rural town for even a second? Or read any Steinbeck novels? Or seen somebody cry? Or heard people speak? I adore rotten movies. I DESPISE "Serious" films that don't have a even a second of human truth. Shame on all of you for liking this one.