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Darknet (2013–2014)
10/10
Terrific anthology series!
29 October 2014
I was really impressed with this tech-inspired reboot of classic horror anthologies like the "Tales From the Crypt" and "Creepy" comic books, older British films like "Dead of Night" and "Asylum," Stephen King's "Creepshow" homage, and the sadly cancelled "Masters of Horror" and "Fear Itself" TV shows.

Produced on a modest budget for Canadian television, the "Darknet" series is definitely in the same modern-tech vein as the "V/H/S" movies, but with more precise direction, striking photography, razor-sharp editing, and a deliciously macabre sense of humor. (And don't worry, you "found footage" haters -- the low-tech filming is limited to select glimpses of security cams, web sites, lap tops, and smartphones.) Like the wonderful "Trick 'r Treat" (and "Pulp Fiction") these fiendishly gruesome tales jump around in time and criss-cross over each other (some more successfully than others) -- and the end result is a must-see series for horror fans. It's extremely clever, surprisingly suspenseful, full of mind-bending twists, and often dementedly funny.

Watch it with the lights out!
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Amour (2012)
3/10
Cold, Clinical, and Heartless
30 August 2013
Michael Haneke's wildly overrated and misunderstood "Amour" may be his cruelest joke to date, right down to the film's sarcastic title. I am a huge Haneke fan. His icy, emotionless, almost sadistic approach to filmmaking is perfectly suited to black- hearted thrillers like "Cache", "Funny Games", "Benny's Video" and "The White Ribbon". But when he applies his surgeon's knife to such human subjects as aging, illness, and death, it comes off so sour, so mean-spirited, and so surprisingly * boring *, that it's difficult to sit through. Having recently experienced the illness and death of my own parents (my mother was half-paralyzed after a stroke much like "Amour"'s heroine) I was afraid this film would be too unbearably painful for me to watch. I shouldn't have worried. I felt nothing (but boredom). The characterizations are so thin and shallow, the Old Man and Old Woman such ciphers, that they barely seem human. They're symbols, or archetypes. Having the woman's mind gone felt like a cop-out too, a way to avoid emotional truth, as did the clinical portrayals of caretaking. Everything feels so distant and calculated that I can't help feeling the title ("Love") is the director's idea of a joke.

Many critics and viewers, however, seem to find "Amour" to be deeply emotional, compassionate, and devastating. But I think they may be filling in the blanks of Haneke's bone-dry script with their own experiences and issues – which may be Haneke's real intention here. I believe he is, once again, playing the scientist and we the audience are his test subjects. (He shows an audience at the beginning of the film; it's us.) So while I must congratulate Haneke for pulling off another interesting experiment, I have to scold him this time for being even more heartless and manipulative than usual.
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Evil Dead (2013)
3/10
Warning, Evil Dead fans: Lower Your Expectations...
13 April 2013
Warning: Spoilers
...for this mediocre shopping-mall remake of the original horror movie classic(s). The new (first-time) director sticks to the basic formula of five young people unleashing demonic forces in a cabin the woods – MINUS the clever filmmaking techniques, inventive set pieces, innovative camera movements, creepy atmosphere, hold-your-breath suspense, grotesque wit and manic delirium of the 1981 low-budget masterpiece. Instead, he gives us gore. Lots and lots of gore. Gore that, quite frankly, has no impact for the viewer or the victim (a sliced tongue magically heals and lost limbs are treated like flesh wounds). Oddly, all the over-the- top gruesomeness ends up being monotonous, even tedious – and it's not because today's audiences have become immune to violence so much as the director doesn't have the filmmaking skills to make us flinch. Or squeal. Or react in any way besides a smirk and a shrug.

Other complaints: The new demons don't have distinct personalities like the originals, so the possessed act and look the same. Boring. The remake's new "rules" and "mythology" don't make any sense, ignoring their own "5 soul" requirement as well as the laws of physical reality. The rapid-fire editing is so fast and sloppy, there's no suspense whatsoever, no unbearable moments where the audience shouts, "no, don't go down there!" Some re-staging of the original's scenes (the tree rape, for instance) feel like the director is half-heartedly checking off boxes. Also, I hated the addition of ghostly visions and poltergeists. Meh. On the positive side, the film looks good, the actors are fine, and the blaring score is loud but effective.

In the end, this slickly produced reboot is not flat-out terrible, just disappointingly uninspired, unscary, and unlikely to attract a cult of devoted fans (let alone life-long Deadites!) The trailer was better than the finished film.
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House (1977)
10/10
Pee Wee's (Haunted) Playhouse
22 November 2008
One of the Weirdest Movies of All Time!!! Imagine Ed Wood, Dario Argento, the Coen Brothers, Sid & Marty Kroft,The Evil Dead, Alice in Wonderland, Rocky Horror, Natural Born Killers, MTV, Kenneth Anger, Ernie Kovacs, Willy Wonka, Kill Bill, Monty Python, Terry Gilliam, Tim Burton, Herschell Gordon Lewis, Teletubbies, Battle Royale, and the Banana Splits -- all crammed into a blender! I've never seen so many silly cinematic tricks crammed into a single movie. Outrageous and hilariously entertaining. It's hard to believe it's the first-time effort of a Japanese director in 1977. He sure had fun experimenting, and I sure had fun watching. Midnight movie fans: DON'T MISS IT!
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2/10
The Joylessness of Sex
23 March 2008
Written and directed by two women who apparently don't have a clue about sexuality (especially male sexuality), this embarrassing attempt at erotic honesty is neither erotic nor honest. It all comes off like a bad Lifetime TV movie, with clichéd situations, terrible dialogue, and some of the lamest sex scenes I've ever seen. Which is a shame, because the premise has great potential and the subject deserves better. I realize a lot of people have trouble talking about sex, but focusing on inarticulate, stifled characters makes for bad TV. Why don't these people talk? I mean, REALLY TALK about sex? The series' creators are obviously afraid to get down and dirty, to dive into the nitty-gritty details of all-too-common issues like monogamy, masturbation, menstruation, orgasms, the differences between male and female sexuality, etc. Instead of honesty, depth or insight, they give us unconvincing tidbits of pathetic pop psychology straight out of "Oprah." For a show about human sexuality, it feels awfully uptight, politely politicized, and downright Victorian. I think they could have used a male writer to balance out the feminized perspective, or simply had the balls to address their subjects head-on. (No pun intended.) As for the sex scenes, I can't help but wonder if the actors have ever actually had sex before. It's that awkward and stiff. (Again, no pun intended.) All in all, this series is a big disappointment: simplistic, boring, and a missed opportunity to address America's complex love-shame relationship with sex.
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The Birds (1963)
10/10
Hitchcock's Greatest Masterpiece
19 February 2008
Considered a major disappointment when it was first released, The Birds is Alfred Hitchcock's most ambitious, most audacious, and most astonishing achievement. Some biographers have said that Hitchcock was jealous of the new European directors who were dazzling all the critics, and this movie was his bid for bigger "artistic" recognition. Unfortunately, audiences dismissed it as a slow-moving horror movie with few thrills, fewer explanations, and no real ending. (It was one of the first movies to end without the words "The End.") Even to this day, critics have failed to comprehend its complexities, preferring to hail the more simplistic, easier-to-analyze Vertigo as Hitchcock's masterpiece. Francois Truffaut, however, appreciated the craftsmanship of The Birds in his book of interviews with Hitchcock. Robin Wood also attempted to dissect the movie, but ultimately wrote it off as an exploration of the irrational, emphasizing the precarious nature of life. Finally, thank god, literary commando/critic Camille Paglia gave this underrated classic the kind of rigorous, insightful treatment it so richly deserves in her BFI Film Classics guide, The Birds. I recommend it to all Hitchcock fans and movie lovers. Hopefully, it will inspire closer inspection and further commentary. Here are my two cents…

The Birds is a true visionary epic, right up there with 2001: A Space Odyssey, 8 1/2, The Seventh Seal, Nashville, Taxi Driver, and Magnolia. Like those thought-provoking masterpieces, it requires repeat viewings to appreciate all the levels of meaning, the philosophical richness, the psychological nuances, and the bold cinematic originality. There's more than meets the eye here (or pecks the eye, to be precise). It's a romantic comedy that mutates into an all-out horror movie, a raging battle of the sexes waged in a symbolic war between nature and civilization. It's the revenge of female power, the breakdown of male logic, the apocalypse of the subconscious. It's a bedroom farce with beaks and feathers and claws, a gleefully sadistic attack on mother and child, Madonna and whore, hunters and gathers, hearth and home. And it's so much fun to watch!

Here are just a few ways to "read" The Birds:

* The attacks are literally nature's revenge. A local fisherman describes the bird's strange behavior and offers logical explanations. Mrs. MacGruder, the "bird lady" in the diner, paints a grim picture of what would happen if birds decide to wage war against humans. You can read the movie literally as an ecological disaster movie. But that's just a "McGuffin," (what Hitchcock would describe as a meaningless plot device.)

* The attacks are metaphorically nature's revenge. On a deeper level, The Birds graphically illustrates a complete inversion of predatory-prey relationships, thrown disastrously out of balance by the women's pursuit of the man. The hunter is now the hunted, which, according to social norms, is not "the natural order" of things. By inverting nature's laws, all of civilization is at risk: traditional families, innocent children, and all of society. When Melanie is finally reduced to the level of a passive child in a mother's arms—subjugated to the back seat of her sports car while the man takes his "rightful place" at the wheel—the bird attacks stop.

* The birds are symbols of female power. The attacks (via beautiful "harmless" creatures) are physical manifestations of the all-too-human "harpies" in Mitch's life: the sexual predator Melanie, the cold possessive mother Lydia, the clinging little sister who forces him to be a father figure, and Annie, the spurned lover who won't go away. They literally swarm around Mitch, surreptitiously pecking at each other, sublimating their desires, jealousies, and rage. These buried emotions don't just go away, of course; they find expression in the bird attacks. And no one is safe—not the children, not the "hen-pecked" farmer next door, not the representative citizens trapped in a family restaurant. In the final scene, when the survivors are about to drive away, Mitch's little sister asks, "Can I bring my lovebirds? They haven't hurt anybody." But she's wrong. In The Birds, love destroys all. Love, and the female subconscious…uncaged at last.

* It's the end of the world. For some inexplicable reason, nature and fate have turned against us. Reason and rationality have failed us. Our survival, in the end, depends upon our ability to navigate a hostile world swarming with unforeseen dangers—in this case, drive a sports car through an endless "sea" of harmless-looking birds. Birds that, at any moment, might swoop down and destroy us. (You can bet that that flimsy convertible roof of Melanie's car won't save them from the apocalypse.) Still, a ray of light shines through the stormy clouds in the distance. A ray of hope? It's hard to say.

You can also interpret the film as a Biblical prophesy, a Freudian nightmare, a battle of Jungian archetypes, or an old-fashioned monster movie without a traditional monster. However you slice it, The Birds is an endlessly fascinating, immensely entertaining, and intellectually challenging epic of the imagination.

I know I'm in the minority here, but I think it's Hitchcock's Best. Movie. Ever.

(And I haven't even mentioned the terrific acting, visual effects, costumes, editing, or Bernard Herman's brilliant sound design.)
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5/10
Must Be Seen To Be Believed
14 February 2008
This would-be mock-musical could be a cult classic for fans of Truly Bad Cinema. It's as if Ed "Plan 9" Wood directed a "Cop Rock" episode written by John "Polyester" Waters. Or maybe a particularly silly dream sequence cut from "The Sopranos." Either way, it's a total train wreck but still fun to watch. One critic on Rotten Tomato Reviews wondered if the actors were suffering from mass hysteria, or lost some sort of dreadful bet. Director John Turturro (who must be on drugs) is obviously going for something bizarre, and he definitely achieves it. Whether you like it or not depends on your sense of humor (or lack thereof.) After all is said and sung, I have to admit I thought it was fairly funny, sometimes surprising, but ultimately a failed experiment in bad taste. It gets my vote for one of The Oddest Movies Ever, right up there with "Myra Breckinridge," "Bugsy Malone," and "Cannibal: The Musical."
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9/10
Aww! Poor little dead girl!
29 November 2007
What an odd little movie. At 44 minutes and shot on digital video, this is more of an art piece than a full-length film. Creepy and poetic, it proves that Koji Shiraishi is am extremely talented director. His underrated movie "Ju-Rei: The Uncanny" has been heavily trashed by American viewers online, but I think it's the very model of Asian horror. Deceptively simple cinematography filled with unexpected surprises, quietly creepy atmosphere, and a few good shocking jolts. "Dead Girl Walking" looks great for video, the story is surreal and haunting, and the ending is heartbreaking. Interesting. But I'd only recommend it to hardcore J-horror fans and avant-garde film buffs.
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1/10
Pretentious Pedophile Fantasy
20 April 2007
Creepy. Pompous. God-awful. What is it about the subject of schoolboys that brings out the worst in some writers? Like the horrible "Dead Poet's Society," this stiff and unbelievable mess of a movie imagines a bizarre alternate universe where poetry-loving teenage boys quote Auden and recite endlessly to each other, sing dusty romantic standards, and act out scenes from old movies while cheerfully offering up their naughty bits to their fat, lecherous professor. No one seems to think there's anything wrong with this, and why should they? According to the playwright, 75 percent of schoolboys are gay and the other 25 percent are secretly lusting for them. In addition, all teachers are homosexuals, and all homosexuals have to constantly fight their urges to fondle boys. But that's okay! Nobody really minds! Being fondled is a harmless piffle! A small price to pay for the pursuit of knowledge, culture and erudition!

I can't believe a crappy play like this got produced on Broadway and turned into a movie. I can't believe so many people fell for its lame literary pretensions and hollow "insights". I can't believe the actors didn't tone down their stagy performances. I can't believe the gay community didn't protest its weird take on pedophilia . I can't believe it's supposed to be set on planet Earth, because none of the characters resemble real human beings.

If crap like this makes it to Broadway, then it's official: Theater is Dead. Okay, fine, but why transfer it to film?

Hey! Teacher! Leave the kids alone!
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Tideland (2005)
2/10
Alice in Blunderland
1 April 2007
AWFUL. Just plain AWFUL. I know Gilliam has his fans (I'm one) but I'm stunned by all the ass- kissing reviews I'm reading here! This pointless version of "Alice in Wonderland" meets "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre" simply lays there like a log and never catches fire - even in spite of the expected Gilliam-inspired art direction and great performances from the little girl actress and the mental boy next door. I suppose I have to credit a movie, though, that has (SPOILERS) talking doll heads, comatose heroin addicts, a one-eyed bee lady, a tongue-kissing granny, a magic rabbit hole, stuffed rotting corpses, a rib cage point-of-view shot, dynamite, a train wreck, etc, etc, etc, and it STILL manages to BORE me senseless. The most surprising thing of all is how dull it is.
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9/10
Sad version of deSade
23 March 2007
After reading a lot of comments, it seems obvious to me that few people here have actually read Sade (or Nietsche either). "Salo" is a surprisingly literal version of Sade's "120 Days of Sodom" but without the wicked sense of humor. As much as I like Pasolini, I don't think humor was his strong suit. Similarly, his Trilogy of Life movies ("The Decameron", "Canterbury Tales" and "Arabian Nights") captured the earthy richness of the original stories but somehow he failed to get the joke. I suspect, however, that Pasolini was drawn to Sade's book to show the flip side of his own Trilogy, much like Sade's writings skewered the philosophies of the nature- loving Rousseau. Nature is vicious and cruel, and humans are part of nature, wrote Sade. Pasolini recreates the scenarios of Sade's negative universe, almost perfectly, but misses the philosophical spirit. In other words, I think he failed. But what a kick-ass failure! I will always admire "Salo" for its sickening beauty, gross-out shock value, and confused/confusing ambition.
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5/10
Not so great
26 January 2007
Not bad but not so great either, "The Great New Wonderful" suffers from IIS: Insufferable Indie Syndrome. In trying to serve up a few slices of life in post 9/11 New York, the director of the truly wonderful comedies "Dude, Where's My Car?" and "Harold and Kumar" tries awful hard to be Subtle, Tasteful, and Artistic. The problem is, the results are way TOO Subtle, Tasteful, and Artistic. So much so that there are practically no emotions, no connections, no dramatic effect. Even a handful of very good performances can't save the underwritten script and lackluster direction.

Memo to the Director: GO BACK TO COMEDY! (It actually takes a lot more skill and creativity to produce a clever comedy than to churn out another clichéd indie drama.)
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Pulse (I) (2006)
9/10
Apocalypse Wow
8 December 2006
Brilliant. A post-9/11 horror masterpiece!

I have to defend this excellent little epic of nightmare cinema from all you logic hounds out there who can't stand movies that don't explain everything to you. This is dream-logic film-making at its creepy, subconscious best. Irrational, inexplicable, inevitable, and inescapable: It's the end of the world as we know it. Like the amazing Dawn of the Dead remake, it taps into our post-9/11 anxieties and turns everyday reality on its head. Like the French thriller Cache, it brings real terror and paranoia into our homes. And like Todd Hayne's Safe, it offers no easy way out.

Surprisingly, this American version retains the original Japanese film's bleak atmosphere and irrational plotting, leading the viewer slowly and inexorably to the bitter end. Spoiler: The protagonists try to save the world and actually fail: how often does that happen in Hollywood movies these days?

Pulse reminds me of apocalyptic horror classics like Alfred Hitchcock's The Birds, David Cronenberg's Videodrome and Crash, Roman Polansky's Repulsion, and Stanley Kubrick's The Shining -- visionary films that were also dismissed when they were first released.

Visually, this new Pulse is stunning, probably because director Jim Sonzero comes from the disciplined world of commercial advertising. Check out his high-tech ghosts in slow-motion on your DVD. Freaky. And notice how the streets and classrooms keep getting emptier, darker and grimier as the film progresses; the world is quietly coming to an end but no one is doing anything about it! Chilling. All in all, the over all effect is downright disturbing.

Too bad Pulse isn't getting the recognition it deserves. I, for one, can't wait to see what the director does next.
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3/10
Disappointment of the Dead
9 November 2005
I'm kind of surprised by all the rave reviews of Land of the Dead. I've been a moderate Romero fans since I was kid in Pittsburgh, watching Night of the Living Dead. But this new film only confirms for me why Romero has never achieved true greatness.

Romero is an idea man, not a real filmmaker. Even after three decades, he hasn't mastered his craft. His films are intelligent but poorly constructed, sluggishly paced, and downright boring, actually. In fact, it takes flesh-eating zombies to bring some excitement to his leaden style of film-making.

Now don't get me wrong. Conceptually, he's a genius. The themes and social satire of Night and Dawn of the Dead deserve all the acclaim they've received. His psycho-vampire flick, Martin, is stunningly original, insightful, and moving. Season of the Witch and The Crazies both have very cool concepts. Even Monkey Shines sparkles with cleverness.

But let's face it: All of Romero's films are as slow, awkward, and cumbersome as the lumbering zombies he shoots.

Land of the Dead is just the latest, most glaring example of what's wrong with his work -- and why he's never grown into a Most Valuable Player in Hollywood or even Indie film-making. Maybe he should just come up with the basic stories and concepts, and let other screenwriters flesh them out and other directors give them style.

Sorry, George. I love you but you gotta put some life into your high-concept, undead creations.
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The Village (2004)
In defense of THE VILLAGE
30 July 2004
Well, the film just opened today and I'm already sick and tired of

everyone (critics AND fans) whining over the unsurprising twists.

GET OVER IT. No plot twist in the world could satisfy all the plot

nerds in the world who are posting the lamest plot detail

complaints on message boards all over the web. HERE'S THE

DEAL: The Village is beautifully filmed, gorgeously scored, eerily

atmospheric, provocatively suggestive, emotionally intriguing, and

not at all what audiences expect after the massive media blitz of

horror-movie style TV ads. People are bound to be disappointed,

but maybe they should take a second look after they get past their

own expectations. The film is a lovely little allegory. It's Hawthorne

meets Lovecraft in The Twilight Zone, with light social commentary

on the politics of fear and repression. And best of all, M. Night

deserves cheers for delivering midnight movie suspense

WITHOUT A SINGLE DIGITAL SPECIAL EFFECT. For me, that's his

greatest strength as a director, his quiet mastery of old-fashioned

filmmaking techniques. Even Signs, my least favorite film of his

because the human story was so unconvincing, delivered real

chills in its first half. In conclusion, GIVE THE VILLAGE A CHANCE,

but don't expect a rollercoaster monster scream fest with wildly

unpredictable twists
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10/10
a cool classic - brilliant
14 June 2004
I'm a little shocked by all the whiny comparisons to the Ray Bradbury book and to Truffaut's own films. As far as I'm concerned, Truffaut has always been wildly overrated. For me, Fahrenheit 451 is his most stylish and successful work. Cool, crisp, and visually breathtaking, the film manages to strike a balance between whimsical social satire and serious political nightmare.

As a teenager, I found the film weirdly engrossing - but a very strange way to adapt the book, which I loved. Seeing it again as an adult, this odd little movie looks better than ever. Not only does it achieve a startlingly effective fairy-tale quality lacking in the novel, I believe it rises above its source material to become a true work of art in its own right. Kind of like Kubrick's The Shining. It is not only a visual masterpiece, with a creepy sterile atmosphere and disturbingly masked performances, it gets better with time like a vintage wine...and, in the long run, gets the recognition it deserves.

A CLASSIC.
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8/10
Shockingly good, considering...
23 March 2004
Considering that the screenplay manages to cram not one but TWO long, dense, complicated novels (THE VAMPIRE LESTAT and THE QUEEN OF THE DAMNED) into ONE feature-length film, THIS MOVIE IS SHOCKINGLY GOOD. Face it, Rice fans. The project had SO many things working against it, mainly because QUEEN starts in the middle of a complicated story. The clever screenwriters managed to condense Lestat's history, blend in the Queen story, and (thankfully) reduce the unnecessary complexities of Jesse's psychic links to Ancient Egypt. (Reality check: INTERVIEW didn't profit enough for Hollywood to gamble on a two-part film; this was before the RINGS trilogy and KILL BILL). But hey, this film has a pair of KILLER PERFORMANCES by Townsend and Aliyah, stylish direction, a cool score, and a fast pace that THIS Rice fan, at least found VERY satisfying. Frankly, I'm shocked how much I enjoyed it, even though I have A WARNING FOR NON-READERS OF ANNE RICE: You probably won't understand half of what's going on.
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Johns (1996)
Arquette is brilliant
5 September 2003
The film is rough and gritty, yes, but also a little corny and cliched. The best reason to see it is for the acting. Lukas Haas is great, as usual. But David Arquette is downright brilliant. When I first saw this film, I felt like I was watching a young Marlon Brando. I was convinced Arquette was going to be the Next Big Thing in Hollywood. Then he yucked it up in the wonderful "Scream" films, making a bigger splash as a comic charicature. And then came his 1-800 AT&T commercials, and all his talk show appearances in oversized zoot suits, and his marriage to Courtney "Friends" Cox. The poor guy may be Hollywood's biggest untapped talent! Check out "Johns" if you want to see a side of David Arquette you've never seen. (I just hope his performance isn't ruined by your memories of those phone commercials.)
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